Golf Buddies

[stendhal]

She cocks the rearview mirror down
Until her face appears, frowns
then shakes and quakes, tracing the fault lines
when our beauty fades
we'll still remain as vain
as we were that very day we were made.

So go grow, steadfast and slow like breadmold
(under and over and over and over)
the lowly fold only does whatever they're told
(whining and dining and buying all that is sold)
They sneer and revere like flies on a dead dog's ear
(seeing and fleeing when they think he's breathing)
Yeet the mirror is nearer to what they truly fear

Day to day decay, courses through our veins
therefore, I shall keep my flaws upon the mantle
Graves are too outdated, so we take our rest in peace on the street
Exposing everything to the bitter and bereaved

So turn leaves, commited and frail, then back over
(over and over and over and over)
The shaky fray consumes whatever they're told
(whining and dining and buying all that is sold)
They sneer and revere like a god complacent in fear
(seeing and fleeing, ignoring the praying)
yet the mirror is nearer to what they truly fear

--------------------------------------------------------

I'm kinda stumped as to how to make this better

[Judge'sDaughter]

I like how it rhymes, not a lot of pieces do these days- but if you're going to rhyme I feel like you need a rythem as well and I don't see a rhythem in this.

[stendhal]

it may be difficult to see the rythm... i'll post it as soon as it's recorded.

thanks for reading, man.

[lew_1987]

Is this a revision of an older piece?

[stendhal]

Is this a revision of an older piece?


No... but now I'm worried.

Does it remind you of another I've posted?

[lew_1987]

No... but now I'm worried.

Does it remind you of another I've posted?

Not necessarily of one that you've posted, but reminds me of something, just in first few lines...

[stendhal]

Not necessarily of one that you've posted, but reminds me of something, just in first few lines...


Aside from that... what do you think?

[lew_1987]

I didn't like some of the line breaks and word choices. It wasn't bad though.