Moveaway

[matt_rawlings]

Moveaway



Motion sick, a cotton mouth
Backseat blanket cover-up
The air-conditioner’s fanning out my fringe
Dusty dash, traffic cones
Constant crackle radio
Insurance ads and call-in counselling

I’ll wander north the moment I feel perfect
The southbound crawl will keep my cautious feet
A circled story in the local paper
The cold eclipse has got me stammering

Rusted gate, a lick of paint
Service station coffee break
Divorcing shadows from their silhouettes
An age ago from seventeen
Slumped aside some pharmacy
Flicking coins at any car that passed

I won’t grow out before my stomach settles
The rampant rattle of the salted road
Salute the silos and the water towers
Forgive my failures as I travel on

[lew_1987]

I really didn't like the line, 'Constant crackle radio'. I realise what you're trying to say, and it does make sense to me, but it feels really awkward. I did like the 'awkward', abrupt feel you were going for on some bits, but not that. I also think that the alliteration of 'rampant rattle' needs to be changed, I didn't like the double 'r' there. The lines I really liked was the line about air conditioning, and the two lines about the local paper. Those were excellent. There are some other good lines too, but I would just change what I suggested if it was me.

[TK]

I agree with Lew, with the exception that I thought 'constant crackle radio' should stay in.

[bootsydan]

Really really good.

EDIT: Can I add another 'really' before that good. This is flat out amazing. The more I read it. I think possibly my favourite from you. So good. Brilliant.

[OveriseFan]

This is perfect, Matt.

Seriously, it's beautifully simple and brilliant.

I say simple, not in terms of the writing (this must have been incredibly hard to write. I'm actually blown away by your lyrical prowess right now.) but in terms of the relatability of this. There's these common images, and yet so much personality to it all.

I can't wait to hear this. Is this a solo tune?

[stendhal]

I really dig this.

It's stunning in it's simplicity.

The only thing I didn't enjoy was the fact that it seemed short. I wanted to know more.

I suppose that's a good thing, leaving the readers wanting more.

Oh, and while I have your attention, Mr. Rawlings, I'd like to tell you that I rented Harold and Kumar yesterday. Every single time NPH was on screen, I thought of you...

you nearly ruined the movie.

[ArTkY_]

Seems a bit too abrupt at times... it gets a bit dialogue prone. If that's what you were going for, more power to you.

[a speedo model]

I agree with James, in that this has a simple feel to it with the common themes you weave throughout. Giving it an excellent motion to it. Not your best by any means, but I won't rate this by your other work. As a whole, it is an excellent piece.

[OveriseFan]

Seems a bit too abrupt at times... it gets a bit dialogue prone. If that's what you were going for, more power to you.

See, it's funny, I criticized this on tk's last post (i can not think of his name, dammit!) and yet, with this, while I noticed it, it seemed so much more obvious, and like it was executed that way intentionally.

I think that's the mark of a great writer, and you, Sir Rawlings, have it. You know, you "learn the rules, then break them." It's clear you know how to write, and so by doing it abruptly, it has this sense of forward motion at all times. Perhaps reflecting how the life flies by (in the first and third stanzas), using solely images of his daily life, while making it personal in the second and fourth.

A lovely piece, again, Matt.

[matt_rawlings]

I really didn't like the line, 'Constant crackle radio'. I realise what you're trying to say, and it does make sense to me, but it feels really awkward. I did like the 'awkward', abrupt feel you were going for on some bits, but not that. I also think that the alliteration of 'rampant rattle' needs to be changed, I didn't like the double 'r' there. The lines I really liked was the line about air conditioning, and the two lines about the local paper. Those were excellent. There are some other good lines too, but I would just change what I suggested if it was me.

Seems a bit too abrupt at times... it gets a bit dialogue prone. If that's what you were going for, more power to you.


Im going to fall back on the old "The way I put it to paper doesn't necessarily reflect how it sounds" arguement, which more often than not is raised against my pieces. It just kind of get's tiring to hear that, considering regulars should know by now that I write songs, not lyrics. This (along with every piece I post) is a fully written song, and therefor structurally works.

The song as a whole is supposed to just be off-the-cuff in it's delivery because that's the state of mind I was in when I wrote it.

[matt_rawlings]

Really really good.

EDIT: Can I add another 'really' before that good. This is flat out amazing. The more I read it. I think possibly my favourite from you. So good. Brilliant.

Thanks alot. You are actually one of the toughest (but, more often than not, fairest) critics around these parts. If you like it then that's made me feel dynamite

[salmarnirecho]

is this supposed to have the same rhythm as "Lenders in the Temple" by Conor Oberst? just something i noticed.

and i really like the image and sound of "service station coffe break". good stuff.

[matt_rawlings]

This is perfect, Matt.

Seriously, it's beautifully simple and brilliant.

I say simple, not in terms of the writing (this must have been incredibly hard to write. I'm actually blown away by your lyrical prowess right now.) but in terms of the relatability of this. There's these common images, and yet so much personality to it all.

I can't wait to hear this. Is this a solo tune?



See, it's funny, I criticized this on tk's last post (i can not think of his name, dammit!) and yet, with this, while I noticed it, it seemed so much more obvious, and like it was executed that way intentionally.

I think that's the mark of a great writer, and you, Sir Rawlings, have it. You know, you "learn the rules, then break them." It's clear you know how to write, and so by doing it abruptly, it has this sense of forward motion at all times. Perhaps reflecting how the life flies by (in the first and third stanzas), using solely images of his daily life, while making it personal in the second and fourth.

A lovely piece, again, Matt.


Wow...thankyou James. I applaud how much you got this song by the way (your analysis in the second quote is spot on).

[matt_rawlings]

is this supposed to have the same rhythm as "Lenders in the Temple" by Conor Oberst? just something i noticed.

and i really like the image and sound of "service station coffe break". good stuff.

Nah (this is a semi-waltz in 3/4 time).

Hahahaha I just listened to that tune (incidently, I adore that song) while speaking the words to this and it could fit into the rhythm

[lew_1987]

Im going to fall back on the old "The way I put it to paper doesn't necessarily reflect how it sounds" arguement, which more often than not is raised against my pieces. It just kind of get's tiring to hear that, considering regulars should know by now that I write songs, not lyrics. This (along with every piece I post) is a fully written song, and therefor structurally works.

The song as a whole is supposed to just be off-the-cuff in it's delivery because that's the state of mind I was in when I wrote it.

I realise that, and I bore that in mind when reading your lyrics.

I apologise if it gets tiring to hear the same things about your lyrics. I understand, because I seem to hear the same things about mine a lot of the time. But you have to realise that people will take the lyrics at face value. This is all we have to go on, we can't simply trust you when you say 'it fits in the song'. This is all we have. There wasn't a link to the song, only lyrics. However, I still stand by what I said about the double 'r'.

But like I said this was really good.