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Wrath
08/06/08, 02:30 PM
Showcase my ice wounds, scarred from last winter
Stationed in this dark room, my echo fades to whispers
The steady beat of your heart keeps me alive
My frozen lungs, and the rolling open fields of white
Bite your tongue baby, the river screams cold tonight.

Last time you didn't bother to save me
So hold your breath, and kick like crazy.

Chorus
Honest to god, I should have caught this flame when it was young
But for now, I'll just blame the man who blew air in your lungs
And I hope that he knows my angry tempos won't slow.
The seasons are pending and the skies are short of imperfect
This flaw you're defending, you should pray that its worth it
And the point of life is to lead one with a standing purpose.

Springs deadly catch, caught more than you could grasp
With an arrow attatched, aimed for a place where we'll last
An oasis, with liars and two faces.
You kept me around, unsure which path you will choose
But Im used to seeing the dirt fall off the soles of your shoes

Chorus
Honest to god, I should have caught this flame when it was young
But for now, I'll just blame the man who blew air in your lungs
And I hope that he knows my angry tempos won't slow.
The seasons are pending and the skies are short of imperfect
This flaw you're defending, you should pray that its worth it
And the point of life is to lead one with a standing purpose.

And now I'll pray that it was worth it x2

Wrath
08/07/08, 08:33 AM
editted some material.

lew_1987
08/08/08, 04:03 AM
'Kick like crazy' came off as 'Seven Years' by Saosin, which uses the exact same phrase. You might have not intended that, but I was reminded of that instantly. The chorus was pretty simple, which sometimes isn't a problem; however, I think it slightly ruined this. The verses were quite good, particularly the second, but the nice imagery you paint is ruined by the simple chorus, which isn't really anything interesting if I'm honest. Some nice lines in there though; keep working on it.

Wrath
08/08/08, 07:07 AM
Yeah, I figured that. I tried to make the chorus a bit simple so the whole song isn't as complex. But, I'll try and whip up some creativity and flow on a brand new chorus. Thanks, alot!

lew_1987
08/08/08, 07:09 AM
Yeah, I think it does work keeping the chorus a bit simpler, so that it can repeat twice to keep the flow going. It needs to be a culmination of thoughts, which I don't think it manages to be.

Wrath
08/08/08, 04:19 PM
I changed the chorus. Any better?

Tattoo
08/10/08, 01:33 PM
preetty good stuff

lew_1987
08/10/08, 04:08 PM
Flaw you're*

But other than that... yeah it was quite a bit better. Good stuff.

Wrath
08/10/08, 04:43 PM
Thanks for the suggestion. And for the typo. Greatly appreciated!

Wrath
08/28/08, 07:20 PM
Bust it baby.