Our Little Voices

[a speedo model]

Something I wrote while driving the other day. Thoughts?

“Our Little Voices”
In the summer, we hung our sheets on the clothesline
And saw them shake and move as if they were alive
An array of ghosts tied down with pins
Small in size but they know all your sins

I’ll scratch the clouds off of the sky like upholstery
And attach them to the arms at night that hold me
I’m floating above you all but I’m still lost
Trying to sleep all of my bad habits off

Hiding behind telephone poles
Like a little girl covering her eyes, I’m invisible
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself

I’m folding my arms like they were shirts
You spread yours out but you’re no bird
You’ll prove them wrong
With rusty cracks between our lips

The grocery stores are all closing down
They all wander off home to sleep sound
But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out
I’m out of air yet still singing a lullaby
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself

[OveriseFan]

Something I wrote while driving the other day. Thoughts?

“Our Little Voices”
In the summer, we hung our sheets on the clothesline
And saw them shake and move as if they were alive
An array of ghosts tied down with pins
Small in size but they know all your sins Lame line. 1. Sheets aren't small. 2. "know all your sins"? What's up cliche?

I’ll scratch the clouds off of the sky like upholstery
And attach them to the arms at night that hold me
I’m floating above you all but I’m still lost
Trying to sleep all of my bad habits off I'd remove "all of", personally, but that's your call in the end. Or maybe just remove "of"...

Hiding behind telephone poles
Like a little girl covering her eyes, I’m invisible
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself

I’m folding my arms like they were shirts
You spread yours out but you’re no bird
You’ll prove them wrong
With rusty cracks between our lips

The grocery stores are all closing down
They all wander off home to sleep sound ly.... Haha. "sound" can't an adverb, silly! Poetic License?
But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out
I’m out of air yet still singing a lullaby
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself

Overall, your pretty solid work, as usual. I mean, it's not amazing, and I think I'll need to sit down with this at a time not past midnight, but I enjoyed it. Nice imagery, as per usual.

[a speedo model]

Overall, your pretty solid work, as usual. I mean, it's not amazing, and I think I'll need to sit down with this at a time not past midnight, but I enjoyed it. Nice imagery, as per usual.
Yeah, that line is one I've been unsure about it. The being small wasn't meant to be...literally? I dunno, I think my intention isn't easily read, haha.

Yeah, the phrasing there has been changed and needs to be rechanged.

Thanks, man. Always like hearing your feedback.

[carcrashofahart]

they can look small in size from a distance... just saying

beautiful imagery though :)... my favorite line is Sometimes I get so ahead of myself

[bootsydan]

Definitely not my favourite of yours.

[stendhal]

I really dig how the first three stanza's imagery go so well together... it's not juxtaposed at all.

This is a comforting piece, and depending on musical execution, could be decent or awesome. (I guess it could be horrendous as well, but not likely.)

The lines about the little girl would have to be my favorite.

[OveriseFan]

I really dig how the first three stanza's imagery go so well together... it's not juxtaposed at all.

This is a comforting piece, and depending on musical execution, could be decent or awesome. (I guess it could be horrendous as well, but not likely.)

The lines about the little girl would have to be my favorite.

You've never heard Josiah's music. :-p

Hahaha. Seriously though, I feel like "fans" of your lyrics would be disappointed that the lyrics aren't so focused with some kind of poppy melody. It will most certainly alienate a lot of them.

Definitely not my favourite of yours.

I'd have to agree, definitely. But with some touching up it could be up to par with your normal work.

[matt_rawlings]

In the summer, we hung our sheets on the clothesline
And saw them shake and move as if they were alive

I love the simple imagery here...very vivid and a great establishing point

I’ll scratch the clouds off of the sky like upholstery
And attach them to the arms at night that hold me

I really liked this part but I thought it would work better of your re-arranged the the sentences and ammended a few things so it read like this;

I'll scratch the upholstered clouds off the sky
Attatch them to arms that hold me at night

I’m floating above you all but I’m still lost
Trying to sleep all of my bad habits off


I found this clunky

Hiding behind telephone poles
Like a little girl covering her eyes, I’m invisible
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself


Adored this part

I’m folding my arms like they were shirts
You spread yours out but you’re no bird

Great lines


But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out


Great alliteration in the first line, great imagery also






_________________


I would agree with those that say this isn't your best, but it is still in very high reguard with me. I really enjoyed it (as I always do with your work)

[a speedo model]

they can look small in size from a distance... just saying

beautiful imagery though :)... my favorite line is Sometimes I get so ahead of myself
Haha, this is true.

Thank you very much. I had planned to have that line end several of the stanza's as a sort of continuation but decided it almost cheapened it.
Definitely not my favourite of yours.
Yeah, I know it's not my best. I actually wrote it while driving, haha. Thanks for the feedback.
I really dig how the first three stanza's imagery go so well together... it's not juxtaposed at all.

This is a comforting piece, and depending on musical execution, could be decent or awesome. (I guess it could be horrendous as well, but not likely.)

The lines about the little girl would have to be my favorite.
Thank you very much.

Musically as of yet, I'm not sure which way I'll go with it. But it most certainly can be horrendous to others, it is alway possible.

Thank you, one of my favorite parts and the last to be written.
You've never heard Josiah's music. :-p

Hahaha. Seriously though, I feel like "fans" of your lyrics would be disappointed that the lyrics aren't so focused with some kind of poppy melody. It will most certainly alienate a lot of them.



I'd have to agree, definitely. But with some touching up it could be up to par with your normal work.
Hahaha

Agreed, I think they do read like a poppy indie-rock number and are perhaps written in such form by my growth as a writer. But I do not write pop-rock, rock or even indie-rock. So, I do think people take them with a false conception. In a way, which is why I never show much of my musical recordings, haha.

Thank you.
In the summer, we hung our sheets on the clothesline
And saw them shake and move as if they were alive

I love the simple imagery here...very vivid and a great establishing point

I’ll scratch the clouds off of the sky like upholstery
And attach them to the arms at night that hold me

I really liked this part but I thought it would work better of your re-arranged the the sentences and ammended a few things so it read like this;

I'll scratch the upholstered clouds off the sky
Attatch them to arms that hold me at night

I’m floating above you all but I’m still lost
Trying to sleep all of my bad habits off


I found this clunky

Hiding behind telephone poles
Like a little girl covering her eyes, I’m invisible
Sometimes I get so ahead of myself


Adored this part

I’m folding my arms like they were shirts
You spread yours out but you’re no bird

Great lines


But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out


Great alliteration in the first line, great imagery also






_________________


I would agree with those that say this isn't your best, but it is still in very high reguard with me. I really enjoyed it (as I always do with your work)
Agreed with the uphostery cloud lines, I've felt it was a bit...off? This is very much a rough draft.

I do agree that part is clunky, it will most likely be mended later on.

Thank you, Matt. Your feedback is greatly appreciated as always.

[TK]

I'm very impressed that you can write and drive, now that's multi-tasking

[a speedo model]

I'm very impressed that you can write and drive, now that's multi-tasking
Haha, you have no idea. ;-)

[OveriseFan]

What else can you do while driving, Josiah? ;-)

[a speedo model]

A little bit of everything, ask Cris. ;-)

[stendhal]

You've never heard Josiah's music. :-p

Hahaha. Seriously though, I feel like "fans" of your lyrics would be disappointed that the lyrics aren't so focused with some kind of poppy melody. It will most certainly alienate a lot of them.




hahaha... i know i've never heard him before, but unless it was death metal, or hip hop... I'm pretty sure it would be pretty ok.

You're right though. I've been listening to a lot of Kevin Devine, so I kinda heard a bit of indie/pop.

[stendhal]

Hahaha

Agreed, I think they do read like a poppy indie-rock number and are perhaps written in such form by my growth as a writer. But I do not write pop-rock, rock or even indie-rock. So, I do think people take them with a false conception. In a way, which is why I never show much of my musical recordings, haha.




Now I'm very eager to hear this recorded... let me know when you do.

So, what kind of music do you usually write?

[OveriseFan]

Now I'm very eager to hear this recorded... let me know when you do.

So, what kind of music do you usually write?

Haha. Weird, trippy, noisy, minimalist electronic music and vocals that sometimes have a melody... sometimes. ;-)

But seriously, it's actually good. Haha. I'm not sure how accurate my description is.

[a speedo model]

Haha, sounds right.

[stendhal]

Haha. Weird, trippy, noisy, minimalist electronic music and vocals that sometimes have a melody... sometimes. ;-)

But seriously, it's actually good. Haha. I'm not sure how accurate my description is.


yeah... would've never predicted that...

any place I can listen to some other songs by Josiah?

[OveriseFan]

http://www.myspace.com/aconstantwriter

That's old stuff though.

His new music is nothing like it. (I don't know this for a fact, but I think he said that.)

[a speedo model]

The new EP is minimalistic, field recordings, ambient post-rockish, hahaha

[OveriseFan]

The new EP is minimalistic, field recordings, ambient post-rockish, hahaha

Sweet!

(Is it actually field recordings? Or just sound like that?)

[a speedo model]

Sweet!

(Is it actually field recordings? Or just sound like that?)
Well, actual field recordings? I think..:unsure: haha

[OveriseFan]

That's sweet!

Looking forward to hearing it.

[a speedo model]

Yeah, a couple I recorded in my front field. It's wide open with ankle high grass and trees really close, so it was windy. Really sounds nice.

[lew_1987]

This was pretty good, man. This bit was especially excellent:

But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out

I wish I would have written that myself. Like James said, I think there a couple of bits which need a slight re-wording just to keep everything in line here. But apart from that... you write, you drive, you spill. Remember that!

[a speedo model]

This was pretty good, man. This bit was especially excellent:

But all the shovels in your shed
Couldn’t dig me out

I wish I would have written that myself. Like James said, I think there a couple of bits which need a slight re-wording just to keep everything in line here. But apart from that... you write, you drive, you spill. Remember that!
Thanks, man. Glad to see your read it and enjoyed it.