baby can't you see

[jster2000]

song one of my friends wrote
just looking for some feedback

( i know its short)

we built the city, strongest bricks in the world
be burned the meadow hottest flames in the world

baby can't you see
i cry for you a cry for me
i cry for you i cry for me

it might be a lie
we might die side by side

baby can't you see
i cry for you a cry for me
i cry for you i cry for me

[as_we_learn]

This is quite awful to be honest, no interesting imagery and very cliche subject writing. All in all this was one of the worst things I've seen written around that wasn't a joke(If this is a joke then it's just as bad as the jokes). Keep trying though, it takes time to get a good style of writing.

[TK]

I agree.

But you're only 14, you have plenty of time to improve.

[thespearkid]

It's not good but no one's good at your age.

[jster2000]

This is quite awful to be honest, no interesting imagery and very cliche subject writing. All in all this was one of the worst things I've seen written around that wasn't a joke(If this is a joke then it's just as bad as the jokes). Keep trying though, it takes time to get a good style of writing.

thanks for the opinion
to be honest
its not the best writing

i just wanted some feedback
but yeah
thats one thing me and some of my friends have to work on

[alexincogneato]

you're just not the girl for me. i know it might be wrong, but i'm in love with stacy's mom.

[jster2000]

you're just not the girl for me. i know it might be wrong, but i'm in love with stacy's mom.

hilarious