Lists

[leezer]

Lists

Uncapped, a lack of full stops,
Unburdened by hinges that normally frame.

We'll make them til we die,
spelling things incorrectly a stranger may remark,
found in pockets weeks later,
leaking nostalgia of month old plans.

So we make til our thoughts run dry,
when we run out of ink
we will wait for the day to die.
When its at its navy best
we'll tip our pens to the sky
refilling the ink of a days ideas.

I know it's short but it feel's complete to me and I think I'm going to have a go and record this one.

[leezer]

bump ba bump

[TK]

It got progressively better through out. I'd like the sentiment of the second stanza, but I think it needs to be rewritten. Reading it just felt really awkward.

[bootsydan]

The subject matter is pretty uninteresting to me.

I think we all understand the often ironic nature of lists. Which means this brings nothing new to the table. Especially the first two stanzas. It's like you're giving us a description of what a list is. I mean I would read a dictionary if I wanted to read that.

Ok bit harsh. Third stanza improves slightly. But I still don't like the way you're wrapping up our lives by comparing it to a list. Seems a little overdramatic to me.

[leezer]

It got progressively better through out. I'd like the sentiment of the second stanza, but I think it needs to be rewritten. Reading it just felt really awkward.

Thanks, I might re-write it, I'll see what it comes across as when its recorded first though. I agree that it was a bit awkward.

[leezer]

The subject matter is pretty uninteresting to me.

I think we all understand the often ironic nature of lists. Which means this brings nothing new to the table. Especially the first two stanzas. It's like you're giving us a description of what a list is. I mean I would read a dictionary if I wanted to read that.

Ok bit harsh. Third stanza improves slightly. But I still don't like the way you're wrapping up our lives by comparing it to a list. Seems a little overdramatic to me.

I wasn't trying to wrap up peoples lives to being a list but I can see how you got that from it. I can also see how you seen it as overdramatic given the ending but I think it's just a matter of how it would be played and sung. Thanks for the feedback

[a speedo model]

I actually liked it a lot. The imagery was very interesting and I liked the approach you took to the subject matter. Nothing amazing, mind-blowing or anything. But just a nice piece that had some fantastic lines and didn't drag. Well done.

[leezer]

I actually liked it a lot. The imagery was very interesting and I liked the approach you took to the subject matter. Nothing amazing, mind-blowing or anything. But just a nice piece that had some fantastic lines and didn't drag. Well done.

Thanks, I really appreciate the feedback.

[carcrashofahart]

we'll tip our pens to the sky
refilling the ink of a days ideas

thats actually how i feel when i sit down to write sometimes. good read, man.

[leezer]

we'll tip our pens to the sky
refilling the ink of a days ideas

thats actually how i feel when i sit down to write sometimes. good read, man.

Thank you. That line felt very honest at the time but also allowed me to speak generally, i was very happy when it came to me because no part of it felt like a lie, thank you for reading.

[edgeofsanity]

this makes you think. think about things which are very vague yet torment your ease of mind.
its a really well laid out.
its complete:-)