Folk Song

[OveriseFan]

Figured I might as well throw up the lyrics for the songs of mine, so you can give your thoughts:

Folk Song


I miss you more than I guess I should.
I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
How far away is the golden state,
And how much longer will you make me wait?

I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...
I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...

Maybe it's true that I'm falling for you again;
I've heard about your new boy, and I guess he's got your tongue,
Because you haven't said a word since I have been here.
No, you haven't said a word since I have been here.

I wanna kiss you on the mouth and help you forget what he tastes like...
I wanna kiss you on the mouth and help you forget what he tastes like...

Our jeans collided like fire hits the sea.
Denim might make love better than you and me.
You're beautiful when you sleep,
Not making a sound.

[bootsydan]

You seem to get a fair bit of respect around here. So although I haven't seen much of your work, I gotta say, I was expecting a lot better.

[OveriseFan]

You seem to get a fair bit of respect around here. So although I haven't seen much of your work, I gotta say, I was expecting a lot better.

Haha. I don't know why I get respect around here. I write pop songs, pretty much, plain and simple. I'm not going to try and fake it and pretend I'm something else.

Thanks for reading, and for your very insightful comment.

Edit: That said, I've been out of the writing game for a while, and I know this is nowhere near my best. Hopefully I'll progress and get better as I start writing more again (It's been more than a year since I've really written something.). I've got another song that I'm working on that has some lyrics that I hope will end up making some people think.

[yournewhaircut]

I miss you more than I guess I should.
I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
(I think you're cutting off your idea of her perfect body too quickly right here, and I think the rhythm is awkward)
How far away is the golden state,
And how much longer will you make me wait?

I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...
I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...
(I don't really like the repitition here. I think you should make a different second or first line. The idea seems kind of cut too short.)

Maybe it's true that I'm falling for you again;
I've heard about your new boy, and I guess he's got your tongue,
Because you haven't said a word since I have been here. (I think 'I've' would work nicer rhythmically than "I have" in this line)
No, you haven't said a word since I have been here.


Our jeans collided like fire hits the sea.
Denim might make love better than you and me.
You're beautiful when you sleep,
Not making a sound. (I dunno if this last line works. It strikes me as eerie, in a morbid way.)


Overall I think it's pretty good, but still seems to be in a fledgling stage.

[TK]

Figured I might as well throw up the lyrics for the songs of mine, so you can give your thoughts:

Folk Song


I miss you more than I guess I should.
I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
How far away is the golden state,
And how much longer will you make me wait?


I really feel that there should be something between the first and second line. I was expecting some kind of explanation or something about why you miss her more than you should. I don't know, it just seemed abrupt to me.

The last two lines are okay. I think it works better without the And but that's just me.


I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...
I wanna kiss you on the mouth and never forget what you taste like...


I've experience that 'feeling'. I really liked this. It's very simple and straight forward, but very easy to relate to.


Maybe it's true that I'm falling for you again;
I've heard about your new boy, and I guess he's got your tongue,
Because you haven't said a word since I have been here.
No, you haven't said a word since I have been here.


Not very good to be honest. It's just so plain and uninteresting to me.


I wanna kiss you on the mouth and help you forget what he tastes like...
I wanna kiss you on the mouth and help you forget what he tastes like...


This was okay.


Our jeans collided like fire hits the sea.
Denim might make love better than you and me.
You're beautiful when you sleep,
Not making a sound.

I liked the first two lines. And I hope I'm not not coming off as trying to rewrite your stuff, but I thought the last line would end better Not making a sound while you dream.

Overall, it's got bits and pieces I like, but as a whole, this is still pretty average stuff.

[OveriseFan]

I really feel that there should be something between the first and second line. I was expecting some kind of explanation or something about why you miss her more than you should. I don't know, it just seemed abrupt to me.

The last two lines are okay. I think it works better without the And but that's just me.



I've experience that 'feeling'. I really liked this. It's very simple and straight forward, but very easy to relate to.



Not very good to be honest. It's just so plain and uninteresting to me.



This was okay.



I liked the first two lines. And I hope I'm not not coming off as trying to rewrite your stuff, but I thought the last line would end better Not making a sound while you dream.

Overall, it's got bits and pieces I like, but as a whole, this is still pretty average stuff.

So just add on "while you dream"? Hm... I like what that does for the melody.

I'll experiment.

I don't know if I posted it here, or where, but the second verse and bridge were written just before I recorded it. Hopefully I'll get some ideas to re-work them.

[TK]

Yeah, I thought it ended a lot smoother. Although, I should listen to the song while reading the lyrics, I forgot you recorded this, ha.

[OveriseFan]

Yeah, I thought it ended a lot smoother. Although, I should listen to the song while reading the lyrics, I forgot you recorded this, ha.

It makes them worse, actually.

[TK]

You shouldn't be so negative. I wish I could sing as well as you.
And it actually helped the transition between the first and second line, I didn't mind it nearly as much as I did when I read it.

[OveriseFan]

You shouldn't be so negative. I wish I could sing as well as you.
And it actually helped the transition between the first and second line, I didn't mind it nearly as much as I did when I read it.

Hahaha. I'm not negative. I just don't ever want to tout my music as if its something people should listen to. I'm very appreciative when people give me a chance - but by no means do I feel entitled to it, or even feel like it's worth their time.

I also never want to use the excuse that the lyrics make sense musically. I want to have them be strong enough to be read solely as poetry, and have my melodies be strong enough to convey that poetry musically. I've gotten away from that recently, and need to return to it.

[TK]

Fair enough.

And if you don't want to use that excuse, then again, I would work on adding a little between the first and second line.

[OveriseFan]

Fair enough.

And if you don't want to use that excuse, then again, I would work on adding a little between the first and second line.

Well, adding a little between them both is tough... but I've gotten this complaint from others. Do you think the second line should be scrapped and replaced? What information is missing? I feel like the question you're asking is answered BY the second verse.

The verses aren't meant to be disconnected. In fact, it's almost as if you're supposed to piece the things together, because that's the way the speaker would be feeling.

Just something to think about, not meant to disregard your comment.

[TK]

Well, adding a little between them both is tough... but I've gotten this complaint from others. Do you think the second line should be scrapped and replaced? What information is missing? I feel like the question you're asking is answered BY the second verse.

The verses aren't meant to be disconnected. In fact, it's almost as if you're supposed to piece the things together, because that's the way the speaker would be feeling.

Just something to think about, not meant to disregard your comment.

Well, I'll try to explain my thoughts on this

I miss you more than I guess I should.
I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
How far away is the golden state,
And how much longer will you make me wait?

I suppose one thing that throws me off is the first verse is in present tense, and the second one is in past tense. I do think the second line should be replaced, or put somewhere else. They just seem so unrelated to each other.

I think it would work better if it was wrote in the same tense

I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
I knew right then, I missed you more than I should


I'm probably just nitpicking, because I don't think it's vital to the song. Just something that could be improved.

If you work on this song, I would work on the third stanza.



And I hope I'm not coming off as rude or inappropriate about giving advice. I know I'm not the best one to do so.

[OveriseFan]

Well, I'll try to explain my thoughts on this

I miss you more than I guess I should.
I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
How far away is the golden state,
And how much longer will you make me wait?

I suppose one thing that throws me off is the first verse is in present tense, and the second one is in past tense. I do think the second line should be replaced, or put somewhere else. They just seem so unrelated to each other.

I think it would work better if it was wrote in the same tense

I watched you dance in the rain; your body looked perfect.
I knew right then, I missed you more than I should


I'm probably just nitpicking, because I don't think it's vital to the song. Just something that could be improved.

If you work on this song, I would work on the third stanza.



And I hope I'm not coming off as rude or inappropriate about giving advice. I know I'm not the best one to do so.

Nope. All your advice is noteworthy, and I'm listening to it. Thanks for your help. Don't think I'm down for your re-write suggestion, but I'll definitely be trying to tweak it some.

Thanks for the help. A final version of lyrics might come next week. Depends on what I do this weekend. Haha.