Driftwood, Wiser's

[turd-burglar]

Hello Absolute Punk fellows.
I'm Shane..
I'm basically here because I want some criticism on my lyrics, and I dont really know anyone good with words..
well here's two songs:
(I like typical hardcore dribble, so thats what my lyrics tend to turn out like)

The first is about a character from House of 1000 Corpses.. I like that movie
Driftwood
I put the laughter back in slaughter
For the Killing’s I picked your daughter
I’m a sick son of a gun
And I want you to polish my pistol
Goddamn I’m the Devil’s son
Cinderella reached the ball
Oh the horror
Oh the horror
Oh the horror
Your blood tastes so sweet
It’s not about my primal urges
It’s all about the power you give me
From this animal a man emerges
And I’m not about to let that go
Look at you, slut, shirt off, teeth out, pants down, no tongue in her mouth
Look at you, slut, underwear pushed to the side, no voice to be heard
So keep Crying
Keep Crying
Keep Crying
Keep Crying
It’s not about my primal urges
It’s all about the power you give me
From this animal a man emerges
And I’m not about to let that go
You are my creation
You are mutilation

And this one's about a girl.. haha

Wiser‘s
You got a certain glow about you, and not the kind you get ‘round me
Addicts snorting blow around you, and it sure ain’t casual baby, unlike those words you throw around
While you’ve been rockin’ your body’s been rollin’, tripped right off a cliff
But at least you have a way with words: “How about those romantic lights?”
Fuck you and your backwards world this land is inside out and I will be soon
And it’s ripping me apart; I have to say this, prove my point
And I’m about to rip you apart; It’s elementary my dear,
You plus I, minus belt and shame Equals the worst possible conclusion
Shirtless, sweating, panting, thinking;
Was it worth it? No
Fuck all you get and you’ll fuck it away
Drink one last shot, Bleed ‘til it clots
I’m sure it’s not personal or maybe I’m wrong

Feedback? heh..

[lew_1987]

I'll read these later, just came in to say that I like your user name.

[h0merg0mez]

I kinda like your style, but I think you could do without so much of the violent imagery.

[turd-burglar]

Thanks lew, I like your decline lyrics.

thanks homer, well I don't usually write that violent of lyrics, I wrote that song about a sick m-f-er from a rob zombie movie, so it kind of needed it..

[turd-burglar]

*semi-desperate "bump"..
i want some feedback so i can improve my so called "craft"

[lew_1987]

I agree with homergomez here, the violent imagery really put me off the first one (no matter if it suits the subject matter or not). There were some good lines, but I'd like to see how you handle a more neutral subject matter.

[turd-burglar]

okay thank you, I will post another set, one not begging and pleading to be a horror movie.

[SmAshD DrumstiX]

umm... a few interesting lines in the first one, but the rest, is vrry trite, in the same way the HIM lyrics annoy me, i just roll my eyes - itz too serious, trying too hard to b hardcore

PS. if u can come up with a name that funny, then surely u can write better than that!
PSS.begging and pleading to be a horror movie.
my criticism exactly

[turd-burglar]

HIM is terrible.. I don't want to be terrible.. Thank you smashed drumsticks, I'm about to post another one, check it out?