Unreciprocated(very short and stereotypical teenage girl-ish)

[Rudie2tone]

Sigh
Gorgeous
He's amazing, but I can

only look
In the halls, passing by between class
He's too good for me,
skinny jeans and shaggy hair
I can't be
With him
It's not fair
I love his hair, and his smile
Especially his smile
I think about him all the time
He's on my mind
He doesn't know , but if he did, he wouldn't care
My unreciprocated love
But to him
I'm not there

[lew_1987]

No offence, but if this is 'stereotypical teenage girl-ish' (which you yourself recognise), what was the point in posting it? We get enough stuff like this, most of which is better quality than this.

[thespearkid]

More imagery, structure, uniqueness, and make longer.
Less hitting your enter key.

[h0merg0mez]

Yeah, it's just too straightforward. Try to show and not tell. Lines like "I think about him all the time" obviously required next to no thought...try to show how you feel rather than just flat-out telling us.

[Rudie2tone]

No offence, but if this is 'stereotypical teenage girl-ish' (which you yourself recognise), what was the point in posting it? We get enough stuff like this, most of which is better quality than this.
I wanted to see the kind of response I would get from the people here so I would know if I should post more or not.

And thanks for the critique!(all three people who read it)
No one ever gives me an real opinion of what I write and I appreciate the honesty. Before I posted this I read some others around the site and I knew that this was not impressive at all compared to the rest, but like I said, I wanted to see what response I would get. I wrote it when I was 13 and I'm still learning as a writer. I'm not that great but at least I don't suck and I love writing

[lew_1987]

I'd like to read something more recent that you've written then.

[Rudie2tone]

I'd like to read something more recent that you've written then.
Okay here's something recent, I wrote it for this production I was in for black history(not during black history month) It was too short so they needed the kids in the production to add some more things to it so I added this:
What do you think is in the mind of a child?
Little dancing stars, a crystal blue sky and flowers growing wild?
Do you think they dream of tomorrow, when hunger lasts today?
What do you think is in the mind of a child, when the sounds of gunshots make a mournful song? And there are no singers because they're all gone?
When mothers cry because a child is no more?
What?
What do you think is in the mind of a child, when dad has no paycheck, and mama hugs a bottle?
When life is a warzone with emotional battles,
Where little ones and siblings take all the blame
When friends at school make them feel so ashamed
When flowers die in their flower beds
And sirens wake them from their little beds
What do you think is in the mind of a child?
It is time,
Oh it is time, to create the mind
To make things happen in the mind of a child
Give them good advice, let hope be next door or even a step away
Tell them about the sacrifice we made
Give them a place to play
Tell them about Martin and Malcom, Mary- Ann and Harriet
Nat, and never forget, Mr. Simcoe
Who gave us a brighter tomorrow
Look now at this child, and tell me what you think is on my mind
Because I, Come from yesterday
And on my journey to tomorrow, allow me to enjoy today
And if some bullet astray don't come my way, I will be the role model for the next in line
Because what is in my mind cannot be so easily defined
So put that my dear friends, in the mind of a child

[lew_1987]

That was a little better, but it kind of sounds like what it is. Preaching a message, rather than simply conveying it. Probably would have been better shorter too, in my opinion.

[Rudie2tone]

That was a little better, but it kind of sounds like what it is. Preaching a message, rather than simply conveying it. Probably would have been better shorter too, in my opinion.
You know what...I agree with you. Poetry should be more subtle.
I also had to add to the poem because the director thought it wasn't long enough.