FarPastGone
10/04/04, 12:43 AM
So I only grace AP a little now a days. But I seriously am having the worst month/months/year of my life. I've always kind of looked down on posting your problems on the internet, fishing for encouragement of any kind, but I really have never felt like this in my life. Everyone I talk too has never been through something like this. My friends and family are all here for me, and being so supportive, but I don't think anyone of them truly understand what im going through. I just really need to know what to do cause my life is just getting worse by the day. My story is unnecesarily long, so if its too much I totally understand. Before my story.....I will let you get to know me:
Name: Matt
Age: 18 (as of 09/22/04)
Grade: I am a Senior in a class of 366 kids at Northwest High School.
Location: I live in North Texas, around Ft. Worth, my town is pretty suburbial, while my school is about 30 mins. away, in the country. (in the town of Justin, named after the famous boot company, cause thats where it is based).
About School: Im a pretty smart kid, I don't try at all, and I make 80s, I take all AP classes, and am in Student Council. I used to be in sports, but cause im such a slacker it just made me get worse grades, so my parents made me quit them.
Outside of School Life: Im far from being a socialoutcast, I can go from having a good night, hanging with all my boys on the football team, to hanging out at my friends house watching him and his tight pant wearing brotha's tear it up (http://www.purevolume.com/drivebyromance).
Morals/Norms: Im not really one for drinking or smoking, and have for the longest time been known as a guy who can put a smile on anyones face.
My story:
So I won't go into every detail about the beginning because that is unnecessary. But ever since high school began, I have been in love with the same girl. We have always been dubbed as that obnoxious high school couple that are going to get married. So for the last 2 1/2 years of my life I've been going out with the most perfect girl ever. We had a few problems in the beginning of the relationship (she took my virginity and had lied to me about some stuff; no I didn't end up with STD's or AIDS) but were ever so perfect. We went on countless family vacations with each others families. Life could have never been so perfect for me.......something happens at the beginning of this year though, it changes both are lives for ever, we are forced to make a decision that can never be reversed, never taken back. We aren't ready for any of this, we act immaturely and selfishly. Im not going to tell you what is that happened, but im sure you can understand. OUR (equal) decision is made on the basis that we will never let anything come between and no matter what, we will grow up together. We confes this promise to our parents in a time were are families have shuned us for our choices, we confest profound love of each other to our parents. So time heals our wounds....and we arrive back on track in life. As we enjoy an amazing summer, going on the best vacation to the most beautiful beach together, we are so sure that we are to end up as the high school sweathearts, that everyone talks about at the 10 year reunion. Half-way through our summer, she approaches me about getting drunk together while my parents are out of town one weekend, since I am normally not one for these type of things, I kind of was hesitant at first, knowing of the person she used to be before she met me (she could care less about anything but partying, drinking, smoking), but I took the chance. It only being the second or third time to drink before, I was pretty light-weight, none the less I had a good time. As summer dragged to the bitter end we had one more drunken parade alone, which was ensued by another wonderful time. By this time in summer she is in full swing at her job she had just gotten at the beginning of July. And let me emphasis how close we are, basically every day of the summer one of our houses had an extra placemat set for dinner. So were so fine until school starts. One night im working and I go on brake, I go into a resturant to get To Go..., and I catch her in the middle of a date with another guy. I take it pretty hard, I don't make a huge scene but I certainly got the point across to her and him of my disgust (I would never hit a girl, probably a guy neither, so I didn't beat her, don't worry). I go back to work and im in shambles, so that night I must have sat from 10 pm - 5 am trying to call her, but she wouldn't talk to me. I was let down more then I ever have been in my life (up until then). A few weeks go by and things are better, somewhat back to normal, were together still, I have forgiven her. She goes to her friends house to spend the night one night, and that night I call her friend cause I knew she was with her and she had left her phone at my house, so I call her letting her know that I can meet up with them and give it to her, I find out that shes not with her, shes out with this one girl and these two guys. I kind of take this one really hard and kind of have a breakdown were im just so upset casue I don't understand why shes doing this to me. My parents are refusing to let us see each other. All my friends are mad at me now cause I keep trying to starighten things out with her, none knowing of are promises to each other. So we work things out once again and have a few battles, here and there, up until a few weeks ago, where she starts hanging out with some girls that are pretty nice and cool, but do there share of partying. So she hangs out with them, and never calls me or will answer when I call when shes with them, and with an already low amount of trust between us, I start to worry all the time. During this time period she also picks up the habit of smoking, which I totally am against, but I can't say much about. I approach her about all this, because the year before, she gave me the choice her or my friends and I totally chose her(not cause I was doing bad things, but becasue I hung out with my friends more then her), so I give her the same choice, and I get the simple response "This is a whole different situation", so I ask her to make me a promise that no matter what happens to us she won't break. I ask her to promise me that she won't go back to drinking and doing bad stuff like she did before. So through all the past months we've been arguing and stuff, shes been telling me how shes going to go back to how she used to be, and telling me things like this time im really serious. So my birthday roles around, and for my birthday she sets up (with my help) a hotel room, and gets alcohol so we can have a party for me and her. Well this time I don't have a good time, and end up very unhappy with her. She tells me all sorts of things that ruin my week. That brings us all to this week:
So with my lack of trust dwindling, but my love for her more then ever, we go into homecomming week expecting to be each others dates to the homecomming game. So we have a great week, and everything, and then Thursday rolls around, and we have our homecomming game parade and pep-rally (its a half-day, as well as Friday), so we have a good parade and a good pep-rally and at the end of the pep-rally they turn off the lights in the stadium and let us get on the field. So as were getting on the field one of my best friend (who is in football) pulls me to the side and tells me my girlfriend has been calling this guy on the team and asking him if she can come over and watch movie when no one is home, saying "what matt doesn't know, won't hurt him". So I confront the guy that she supposedly was calling, who is my friend, and he tells me what he told him is true. So I naturally am sick and tired of all this, I give up on her, I let it all out. Well before the game Friday we have a tailgate party to raise money for the senior class, I see her there, and find out shes told me some more lies, and am so upset at her. I can't bare watching her hang out with the type of people she is hanging out with though. So I go off and uncharistically take a bunch of hydrocodenine, and smoke alot of cigarettes and dip a ton of dip (I never do anything like this, so this was a shock to me too). Well as me and my friends who think how im acting is hiliarious walk in to the game, I get hit by the hardest depression I've ever felt. I start to say things on the way in, and then I realize I want to go home, but my friend won't let me, he just tells me to come on and not talk to her, so as im walking up to sit down, I see her and tell her I need to talk. She naturally resist after the things I said, but I guilt trip her telling her she owes it to me. I start to talk to her and tell her how much I love her, and realize that I don't want to live if I can't without her. So I try to leave but she goes and gets my friend and they try to get my car keys from me cause they know I can't drive home. They start to talk to me, and try to get away but they won't let me, I get in someones care while they turn there heads to talk real fast and have them take me to my car. They call my parents and tell my parents I don't need to be driving so my parents go out looking for me. I am on my way home, I get pulled over, get 2 tickets, running a stop sign, and expired drivers liscense; and they search my car, probably from the smell of smoke and find nothing but freak me out bad. Im starting to want to jerk my car off the road every more white line I see go by, so I call her and have her meet me somewhere telling her that she needs to do this for me. So we talk and she tells me she called my parents cause I was meeting her somewhere, in the meanwhile she has already stolen my keys from me. So my dad pulls up to take me home, and I apologive for how I acted and I tell her I will always love her, and ask her to be good tonight, and she promises me she will be. So my dad takes me home, because I give the excuse that im feeling so sick I can't drive (which he buys, I think). So I go home, and sit on my computer, with no TV, no music, refreshing my email as we text message each other back and forth (I lost my phone in the middle of a ride at six flags). I sit there at that computer for 5 hours just getting those small text messages every 15 minutes. So she promises me while we were talking earlier that she will talk to me. So im waiting, just waiting for her to be able to talk to me. The game gets over and she goes to the senior breakfeast and begins to brake every promise we had ever made. She had promised me she would never smoke unless it was around just me; she smokes at the breakfeast. We each picked one person that the other could not hang out with, and she spends the night/hangs out all night with this person. She goes to a party were there is alcohol. She drinks alcohol, and tells me the next day she would have had more, had they not run out. This whole time im waiting, waiting, waiting, crying, crying, crying, waiting to talk to her. And finally I get ahold of her, she is being horribly mean, and being depressed as I already am I tell her that this is the last time were going to talk (not cause I don't want too cause I won't be able too). Long story short, im still messed up, and begging for her attention, yet she hangs up on me. My friend even comes over at 3 in the morning and talks to me about stuff. He was calling her through the whole thing. And I finally get to talk to her for real, and she promises me nothing bad happened to night. So I go in and take as many pills as I can swallow, nothing happens, waiting, waiting, I just throw up, throwing up, I throw up all night. I can't sleep. The next morning, she won't talk to me, so I go to her house, and talk to her, I breakdown, I found out all the promises she broke, all the lies. My mom calls cause im not helping out my friends mom at something for school, I tell her im over here, she knows how bad I've been feeling, how depressed I am from this. Her mom calls my mom, and make up horrible things, my mom exchanges words of fire. She calls me and I can hear her mom in the background yelling; "Just grow up, get over it". "Get over it". I can't handle anything anymore. Before I left she had promised me she wouldn't go anywhere after work she would go home and actually spend time talking to me. She goes to work, and texts me, im going out after work, I feel horrible. I talk to her for like 5 mins when she gets off. She promises she'll call me and tell me goodnight like she always used to do before she goes to bed. I wait by the phone, she doesn't call. I finally look up, its 4 in the AM. I go to bed for a few hours and wake up, to an attack by my parents. Telling me there getting me help, and possibly moving me to a new school in Austin (cause my dad works down there, he just comutes during the week) away from everything my senior year, when I've been in this school district my whole life. I call her and just let her know. She some reason is enticed to show sadness about this. Telling me she will change so I can be happy, she will be a perfect person, she never really wanted to change before, but this time she really understands.
I know it sounds so lame to care so much about a single person, especially in high school, but the things we've been through. If you could compare my love for her to anything you could set up an analogy of how much I love her, to how much God loves us all enough to give his son for everyones sins (not saying you have to believe in God or Jesus, just using the story of Jesus dieing for our sins as the analogy). Im so lost....I look horrible, I barely eat, I have constant headaches, am so sad, and feel like total nothing. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like doing anything; I had a huge paper due in College English tomorrow, and I haven't even done my rough draft. Im really considering moving schools, cause I know as long as I see her, and she is nice for a second in time, I will always accept her back. Im having my mom call the school I would transfer too tomorow, and find out things about it. My life is seriously the lowest its been......I just hope I can handle school tomorrow.
Name: Matt
Age: 18 (as of 09/22/04)
Grade: I am a Senior in a class of 366 kids at Northwest High School.
Location: I live in North Texas, around Ft. Worth, my town is pretty suburbial, while my school is about 30 mins. away, in the country. (in the town of Justin, named after the famous boot company, cause thats where it is based).
About School: Im a pretty smart kid, I don't try at all, and I make 80s, I take all AP classes, and am in Student Council. I used to be in sports, but cause im such a slacker it just made me get worse grades, so my parents made me quit them.
Outside of School Life: Im far from being a socialoutcast, I can go from having a good night, hanging with all my boys on the football team, to hanging out at my friends house watching him and his tight pant wearing brotha's tear it up (http://www.purevolume.com/drivebyromance).
Morals/Norms: Im not really one for drinking or smoking, and have for the longest time been known as a guy who can put a smile on anyones face.
My story:
So I won't go into every detail about the beginning because that is unnecessary. But ever since high school began, I have been in love with the same girl. We have always been dubbed as that obnoxious high school couple that are going to get married. So for the last 2 1/2 years of my life I've been going out with the most perfect girl ever. We had a few problems in the beginning of the relationship (she took my virginity and had lied to me about some stuff; no I didn't end up with STD's or AIDS) but were ever so perfect. We went on countless family vacations with each others families. Life could have never been so perfect for me.......something happens at the beginning of this year though, it changes both are lives for ever, we are forced to make a decision that can never be reversed, never taken back. We aren't ready for any of this, we act immaturely and selfishly. Im not going to tell you what is that happened, but im sure you can understand. OUR (equal) decision is made on the basis that we will never let anything come between and no matter what, we will grow up together. We confes this promise to our parents in a time were are families have shuned us for our choices, we confest profound love of each other to our parents. So time heals our wounds....and we arrive back on track in life. As we enjoy an amazing summer, going on the best vacation to the most beautiful beach together, we are so sure that we are to end up as the high school sweathearts, that everyone talks about at the 10 year reunion. Half-way through our summer, she approaches me about getting drunk together while my parents are out of town one weekend, since I am normally not one for these type of things, I kind of was hesitant at first, knowing of the person she used to be before she met me (she could care less about anything but partying, drinking, smoking), but I took the chance. It only being the second or third time to drink before, I was pretty light-weight, none the less I had a good time. As summer dragged to the bitter end we had one more drunken parade alone, which was ensued by another wonderful time. By this time in summer she is in full swing at her job she had just gotten at the beginning of July. And let me emphasis how close we are, basically every day of the summer one of our houses had an extra placemat set for dinner. So were so fine until school starts. One night im working and I go on brake, I go into a resturant to get To Go..., and I catch her in the middle of a date with another guy. I take it pretty hard, I don't make a huge scene but I certainly got the point across to her and him of my disgust (I would never hit a girl, probably a guy neither, so I didn't beat her, don't worry). I go back to work and im in shambles, so that night I must have sat from 10 pm - 5 am trying to call her, but she wouldn't talk to me. I was let down more then I ever have been in my life (up until then). A few weeks go by and things are better, somewhat back to normal, were together still, I have forgiven her. She goes to her friends house to spend the night one night, and that night I call her friend cause I knew she was with her and she had left her phone at my house, so I call her letting her know that I can meet up with them and give it to her, I find out that shes not with her, shes out with this one girl and these two guys. I kind of take this one really hard and kind of have a breakdown were im just so upset casue I don't understand why shes doing this to me. My parents are refusing to let us see each other. All my friends are mad at me now cause I keep trying to starighten things out with her, none knowing of are promises to each other. So we work things out once again and have a few battles, here and there, up until a few weeks ago, where she starts hanging out with some girls that are pretty nice and cool, but do there share of partying. So she hangs out with them, and never calls me or will answer when I call when shes with them, and with an already low amount of trust between us, I start to worry all the time. During this time period she also picks up the habit of smoking, which I totally am against, but I can't say much about. I approach her about all this, because the year before, she gave me the choice her or my friends and I totally chose her(not cause I was doing bad things, but becasue I hung out with my friends more then her), so I give her the same choice, and I get the simple response "This is a whole different situation", so I ask her to make me a promise that no matter what happens to us she won't break. I ask her to promise me that she won't go back to drinking and doing bad stuff like she did before. So through all the past months we've been arguing and stuff, shes been telling me how shes going to go back to how she used to be, and telling me things like this time im really serious. So my birthday roles around, and for my birthday she sets up (with my help) a hotel room, and gets alcohol so we can have a party for me and her. Well this time I don't have a good time, and end up very unhappy with her. She tells me all sorts of things that ruin my week. That brings us all to this week:
So with my lack of trust dwindling, but my love for her more then ever, we go into homecomming week expecting to be each others dates to the homecomming game. So we have a great week, and everything, and then Thursday rolls around, and we have our homecomming game parade and pep-rally (its a half-day, as well as Friday), so we have a good parade and a good pep-rally and at the end of the pep-rally they turn off the lights in the stadium and let us get on the field. So as were getting on the field one of my best friend (who is in football) pulls me to the side and tells me my girlfriend has been calling this guy on the team and asking him if she can come over and watch movie when no one is home, saying "what matt doesn't know, won't hurt him". So I confront the guy that she supposedly was calling, who is my friend, and he tells me what he told him is true. So I naturally am sick and tired of all this, I give up on her, I let it all out. Well before the game Friday we have a tailgate party to raise money for the senior class, I see her there, and find out shes told me some more lies, and am so upset at her. I can't bare watching her hang out with the type of people she is hanging out with though. So I go off and uncharistically take a bunch of hydrocodenine, and smoke alot of cigarettes and dip a ton of dip (I never do anything like this, so this was a shock to me too). Well as me and my friends who think how im acting is hiliarious walk in to the game, I get hit by the hardest depression I've ever felt. I start to say things on the way in, and then I realize I want to go home, but my friend won't let me, he just tells me to come on and not talk to her, so as im walking up to sit down, I see her and tell her I need to talk. She naturally resist after the things I said, but I guilt trip her telling her she owes it to me. I start to talk to her and tell her how much I love her, and realize that I don't want to live if I can't without her. So I try to leave but she goes and gets my friend and they try to get my car keys from me cause they know I can't drive home. They start to talk to me, and try to get away but they won't let me, I get in someones care while they turn there heads to talk real fast and have them take me to my car. They call my parents and tell my parents I don't need to be driving so my parents go out looking for me. I am on my way home, I get pulled over, get 2 tickets, running a stop sign, and expired drivers liscense; and they search my car, probably from the smell of smoke and find nothing but freak me out bad. Im starting to want to jerk my car off the road every more white line I see go by, so I call her and have her meet me somewhere telling her that she needs to do this for me. So we talk and she tells me she called my parents cause I was meeting her somewhere, in the meanwhile she has already stolen my keys from me. So my dad pulls up to take me home, and I apologive for how I acted and I tell her I will always love her, and ask her to be good tonight, and she promises me she will be. So my dad takes me home, because I give the excuse that im feeling so sick I can't drive (which he buys, I think). So I go home, and sit on my computer, with no TV, no music, refreshing my email as we text message each other back and forth (I lost my phone in the middle of a ride at six flags). I sit there at that computer for 5 hours just getting those small text messages every 15 minutes. So she promises me while we were talking earlier that she will talk to me. So im waiting, just waiting for her to be able to talk to me. The game gets over and she goes to the senior breakfeast and begins to brake every promise we had ever made. She had promised me she would never smoke unless it was around just me; she smokes at the breakfeast. We each picked one person that the other could not hang out with, and she spends the night/hangs out all night with this person. She goes to a party were there is alcohol. She drinks alcohol, and tells me the next day she would have had more, had they not run out. This whole time im waiting, waiting, waiting, crying, crying, crying, waiting to talk to her. And finally I get ahold of her, she is being horribly mean, and being depressed as I already am I tell her that this is the last time were going to talk (not cause I don't want too cause I won't be able too). Long story short, im still messed up, and begging for her attention, yet she hangs up on me. My friend even comes over at 3 in the morning and talks to me about stuff. He was calling her through the whole thing. And I finally get to talk to her for real, and she promises me nothing bad happened to night. So I go in and take as many pills as I can swallow, nothing happens, waiting, waiting, I just throw up, throwing up, I throw up all night. I can't sleep. The next morning, she won't talk to me, so I go to her house, and talk to her, I breakdown, I found out all the promises she broke, all the lies. My mom calls cause im not helping out my friends mom at something for school, I tell her im over here, she knows how bad I've been feeling, how depressed I am from this. Her mom calls my mom, and make up horrible things, my mom exchanges words of fire. She calls me and I can hear her mom in the background yelling; "Just grow up, get over it". "Get over it". I can't handle anything anymore. Before I left she had promised me she wouldn't go anywhere after work she would go home and actually spend time talking to me. She goes to work, and texts me, im going out after work, I feel horrible. I talk to her for like 5 mins when she gets off. She promises she'll call me and tell me goodnight like she always used to do before she goes to bed. I wait by the phone, she doesn't call. I finally look up, its 4 in the AM. I go to bed for a few hours and wake up, to an attack by my parents. Telling me there getting me help, and possibly moving me to a new school in Austin (cause my dad works down there, he just comutes during the week) away from everything my senior year, when I've been in this school district my whole life. I call her and just let her know. She some reason is enticed to show sadness about this. Telling me she will change so I can be happy, she will be a perfect person, she never really wanted to change before, but this time she really understands.
I know it sounds so lame to care so much about a single person, especially in high school, but the things we've been through. If you could compare my love for her to anything you could set up an analogy of how much I love her, to how much God loves us all enough to give his son for everyones sins (not saying you have to believe in God or Jesus, just using the story of Jesus dieing for our sins as the analogy). Im so lost....I look horrible, I barely eat, I have constant headaches, am so sad, and feel like total nothing. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like doing anything; I had a huge paper due in College English tomorrow, and I haven't even done my rough draft. Im really considering moving schools, cause I know as long as I see her, and she is nice for a second in time, I will always accept her back. Im having my mom call the school I would transfer too tomorow, and find out things about it. My life is seriously the lowest its been......I just hope I can handle school tomorrow.