asmolitor
08/22/08, 03:47 AM
i enjoy venturing into underappreciated forums, especially since the politics thread (my "home") is either ridiculous or boring. i think i've given some critique on others' work in here before, but i've never shared my own. so, what's fair is fair. below is sort of a random mix of some of my writing over the last year or two. most of these haven't seen the light of day before, and if they have, i usually get infallible praise from friends without any criticism. i know i carry the burden of using one complex word rather than 3-6 simpler words when either would suffice, and i do this quite often. personally, i think writing that way carries more weight, but i guess that's up for debate. i might as well prepare a short backstory for each one, since my very-many metaphors can get confusing. i guess that'd be another crutch too, but i like to think it's a hemingway-iceberg-like tactic, without too much pretention or anything. also, most of my writing is fairly concise without much of a revision process. so enough with the admitted faults (read: lowering expectations in case this isn't as well-received as i hope) and on with the wordzzz.
Fall From Good Graces
(backstory: i had a friend (oh yes, past tense!) who i found out years later, actually despised me for some reason, even though he held me up to a high standard to my face, essentially. it's kind of like he looked up to me, but sort of hated me, yet secretly wished to be me - if that makes sense.)
you were the Peter to my Jesus.
the comparison's lofty as the standard you held me to.
years later surfaces
an attempt at Judas behind my back.
or with the blunt object of adoration
would you rather be likened to Brutus?
let's not forget
who gave you the knife to begin with.
if you wanted the crown, i'd usher you to the throne.
illuminated with the spotlight you cast.
you're just an extra in the production;
this Caesar made it to Broadway on his own.
so steal the stage and take your bow
i've got front row tickets
to watch the stage fright set in
and lead the ovation of apathetic glances.
when the curtain falls on your life
i hope you find the gates suit you well
cause you're sure as hell never coming in.
Halo; Lacking
(backstory: i still don't know whether i like this one or not, but there are a few lines i really like. if you've ever seen the stereotypical bible-ranting protestor on a college campus, well, then you'll get it.)
halo-lacking
you're not a modern-day prophet
foretelling the world of evil
as if you'll be the one to protect us all
words ringing as shallow
as the personality you deem cynical
who are you to judge?
isn't that left to Who you follow so blindly?
accepting the Good word is one thing
but manipulating it to fit your purpose
is a sin in itself
if what sense is to take His gift
and impede with restraining self-imposements?
if we're all sinners by your accord
is Heaven reserved for the self-righteous?
i pray for you in the most ironic of sense
hoping we don't share the same God
The Hand that Feeds
(backstory: pretty sure i was pissed at someone. that's about it.)
it's not biting the hand that feeds
it's asking for amputation,
the dull blade of arrogance
works until the sharpest red bleeds out.
spilling out memories and legends
that held you to the highest regard,
as you walk over trampled loyalty
each step deeper than the last.
just don't forget each footprint could leave you
stuck and fallen to the ground.
but when you look up
for a guiding hand out of darkness,
don't be surprised to see
outstretched apathy-
from the ones you never cared for
to care for you in the first place.
Uphill Battle
(backstory: breakup vent, essentially. sort of a "wouldn't take her back even though i'm not much myself" vibe. also, painting her "battle" to win me back as incredibly futile. pretty metaphor-heavy.)
of all the one-horse towns,
you're beating it dead
with the way you just won't give up.
the final plea to a jury
with a judge in the prosecutor's pocket,
and a gallery unimpressed
with circular arguments for absolution.
persistence admired on even-ground
but discouraged from a hilltop-
better to lay down arms
than continue friendly fire aimed at feet.
an endless war with white flags abound,
hidden in hands and behind backs;
casual waves kill rational negotiations-
a passive-aggressive, manic-depressive armistice.
a valiant attempt at reconciliation,
rejected by a pastor
more a sinner than a saint.
feedback is appreciated. i know there's probably things about these that could be better, but i need a fresh perspective.
Fall From Good Graces
(backstory: i had a friend (oh yes, past tense!) who i found out years later, actually despised me for some reason, even though he held me up to a high standard to my face, essentially. it's kind of like he looked up to me, but sort of hated me, yet secretly wished to be me - if that makes sense.)
you were the Peter to my Jesus.
the comparison's lofty as the standard you held me to.
years later surfaces
an attempt at Judas behind my back.
or with the blunt object of adoration
would you rather be likened to Brutus?
let's not forget
who gave you the knife to begin with.
if you wanted the crown, i'd usher you to the throne.
illuminated with the spotlight you cast.
you're just an extra in the production;
this Caesar made it to Broadway on his own.
so steal the stage and take your bow
i've got front row tickets
to watch the stage fright set in
and lead the ovation of apathetic glances.
when the curtain falls on your life
i hope you find the gates suit you well
cause you're sure as hell never coming in.
Halo; Lacking
(backstory: i still don't know whether i like this one or not, but there are a few lines i really like. if you've ever seen the stereotypical bible-ranting protestor on a college campus, well, then you'll get it.)
halo-lacking
you're not a modern-day prophet
foretelling the world of evil
as if you'll be the one to protect us all
words ringing as shallow
as the personality you deem cynical
who are you to judge?
isn't that left to Who you follow so blindly?
accepting the Good word is one thing
but manipulating it to fit your purpose
is a sin in itself
if what sense is to take His gift
and impede with restraining self-imposements?
if we're all sinners by your accord
is Heaven reserved for the self-righteous?
i pray for you in the most ironic of sense
hoping we don't share the same God
The Hand that Feeds
(backstory: pretty sure i was pissed at someone. that's about it.)
it's not biting the hand that feeds
it's asking for amputation,
the dull blade of arrogance
works until the sharpest red bleeds out.
spilling out memories and legends
that held you to the highest regard,
as you walk over trampled loyalty
each step deeper than the last.
just don't forget each footprint could leave you
stuck and fallen to the ground.
but when you look up
for a guiding hand out of darkness,
don't be surprised to see
outstretched apathy-
from the ones you never cared for
to care for you in the first place.
Uphill Battle
(backstory: breakup vent, essentially. sort of a "wouldn't take her back even though i'm not much myself" vibe. also, painting her "battle" to win me back as incredibly futile. pretty metaphor-heavy.)
of all the one-horse towns,
you're beating it dead
with the way you just won't give up.
the final plea to a jury
with a judge in the prosecutor's pocket,
and a gallery unimpressed
with circular arguments for absolution.
persistence admired on even-ground
but discouraged from a hilltop-
better to lay down arms
than continue friendly fire aimed at feet.
an endless war with white flags abound,
hidden in hands and behind backs;
casual waves kill rational negotiations-
a passive-aggressive, manic-depressive armistice.
a valiant attempt at reconciliation,
rejected by a pastor
more a sinner than a saint.
feedback is appreciated. i know there's probably things about these that could be better, but i need a fresh perspective.