Mercy Medical
10/15/04, 10:24 PM
So I'm not really sure where to start, or what to say, but I just feel like I need to get some things off my chest. Who knows if any of this is even going to make any sense to you people. It still feels somewhat awkward to me to reveal this information to you people, even if I may never meet you. It's something that's quite secretive in my life and that no one that knows me in real life even knows, except for one.
It's somewhat of a complicated situation and I've posted about it before so many of you may know what I'm about to talk about or what I'm about to say. For those who don't, SURPRISE! :)
So here's the basis of the situation in a nutshell. I ended up falling in love with my roommate almost 2 years ago. It just so happens, however, that my roommate is girl...of course. :) I've never had feelings for a girl before in my life so it was quite a strange situation. What was even strangers was that she was falling in love with me too and she was in the same boat, she never felt that way about another girl. So a few months later we actually start dating and we go out for about 9 months. During this whole period of time no one knew that we were together, it was basically our own little secret and we couldn't really display that affection most couples show to one another when we were out, so the only place that ever really happened was in the privacy of our own room.
Right before we started dating she was actually dating someone else, I guess you could call him her "high school sweetheart". They had been together for 2.5 years and for a while he wasn't part of the picture while we were together because he has this mentality that if they aren't together, they can't be friends (which I find to be complete BS because if you care for someone that much and you really want them in your life you'll get over those feelings and realize you need them as at least a friend, I was best friends with my ex in high school). But after she was away all summer at my house in Washington she started realizing that he really did miss her and really did care. So things got a bit rocky after that. I'd come back from soccer games and he'd be hanging out with her in our dorm room and they'd be laying on her bed together (which happened to be the bed I slept with her in every night) and he'd have his arm around her. I somewhat understood the situation because she couldn't tell him that we were together, so it would be weird to tell him no.
We continued dating through all of this and our relationship became a bit rocky. I didn't like the fact that she was hanging out with him, nor did I like the fact that she didn't know what was going to happen with him and her. It was all very complicated, all very screwed up. Then another boy comes around and asks her out, she says yes because in everyone else's eyes she wasn't attached to anybody. I was angry, we got in a fight and we broke up. That was in December.
There's been a few boys off and on since then, never really any ones that stuck because they all seem to be assholes, but that one, the ex, still stays. They still go and hang out every once in a while, maybe 1 to 2 times every 2 weeks, so that's really not all that much.
I dunno, feel like all of everything I just typed led up to nothing because I feel like I'm about to completely change the topic or the reason I'm writing this. I guess I'm just confused, I'm angry, I'm sad. I love this girl more than anything in the world and I've made sure to be around here as much as possible the past 2 years. I think the longest we spent away from each other was almost a month and that was during the winter break of my freshman year in high school. I spent the summer after freshman year with this girl and last summer with her as well. Last winter break I was only gone for 2 weeks so I could see her soon and the same goes for this winter break. I can't stand being away from this girl. I love her to death and I still want to be with her and that doesn't mean for the moment, but I would honestly want to be with this girl for the rest of my life, that's how strongly I feel. It's such a difficult situation because of how most of the world views our relationship, or I guess the relationship we would have if we were together. It makes it really difficult when my family is very Christian and I know how they view homosexuality, they don't approve. It's funny too because I don't even consider myself a homosexual. I've never felt this way about a female before and I really don't think I'll ever feel this way about another one. It's just strange.
Anyway, back to the main subject at hand. I don't think anyone here could really understand how I feel about this girl because you're not me and as much as I could describe my feelings, they're not even close to how it really is for me. My current issue is our overall situation. We're not together, so I have no right to say what she can or can't do. Right now she's out hanging out with her ex and I'm angry. I can't sleep when she's gone, I sit and wait up for her to get home. I'm just angry because her ex still really wants to be with her and still acts like they're together at times. She's told me before that she's truly contemplated telling him that there's no chance that they'll get back together (she's told me that her feelings for him and her love for him has changed a lot since their breakup and she just doesn't feel the same way she use to and they do have their difference so she doesn't think he's really the one for her), but the moment she says that their friendship is over. She's even told me that she hasn't said anything because she's still trying to hold onto that friendship. It upsets me somewhat because I feel like she's lying to him and lying to herself.
I'm angry, I'm jealous and all I want is to be with her. She's told me that if I was a guy, we would probably be together. For the most part I'm perfect for her and the only problems we ever really have have to do with the fact that we're not together and I get really jealous when she goes out and hangs out with her ex or hangs out with other guys. So if we're so perfect for each other, why aren't we together then? I understand why we aren't together because we're both females, but if we love each other that much, shouldn't it not matter? Shouldn't "love conquer all" as they say? I'm just frustrated. I want to be with this girl so bad and I love her so much and I know she feels the same way, I can see it in her eyes, but why does she have to go and see what else is out there? Why does she have to keep her ex around when all he's doing is trapping her in a corner?
I know some people might say, "give her up, it's not worth it", but I don't want to. I don't want to give up, I don't want to be with anyone else. Her and I still sleep next to each other almost every night. It's a situation where we're no together, but things happen where it would seem like we were. I know by allowing those things to happen it's probably making the situation harder on myself, but I want to be that close to her. I love her to death. At times I wish I could just skip forward in time and bypass all this bullshit, all these other guys and get to the point where we are together forever, but who's to say that's even going to happen? I dunno, I'm really not sure what else to type at this point. I'm not even sure if this was everything I wanted to say or if any of it made sense. I guess I just needed to vent and get some of these things off my chest.
So I guess all I'm asking for from you people is some feedback. What's your take on the situation, what would you do? I guess just talk to me. :)
It's somewhat of a complicated situation and I've posted about it before so many of you may know what I'm about to talk about or what I'm about to say. For those who don't, SURPRISE! :)
So here's the basis of the situation in a nutshell. I ended up falling in love with my roommate almost 2 years ago. It just so happens, however, that my roommate is girl...of course. :) I've never had feelings for a girl before in my life so it was quite a strange situation. What was even strangers was that she was falling in love with me too and she was in the same boat, she never felt that way about another girl. So a few months later we actually start dating and we go out for about 9 months. During this whole period of time no one knew that we were together, it was basically our own little secret and we couldn't really display that affection most couples show to one another when we were out, so the only place that ever really happened was in the privacy of our own room.
Right before we started dating she was actually dating someone else, I guess you could call him her "high school sweetheart". They had been together for 2.5 years and for a while he wasn't part of the picture while we were together because he has this mentality that if they aren't together, they can't be friends (which I find to be complete BS because if you care for someone that much and you really want them in your life you'll get over those feelings and realize you need them as at least a friend, I was best friends with my ex in high school). But after she was away all summer at my house in Washington she started realizing that he really did miss her and really did care. So things got a bit rocky after that. I'd come back from soccer games and he'd be hanging out with her in our dorm room and they'd be laying on her bed together (which happened to be the bed I slept with her in every night) and he'd have his arm around her. I somewhat understood the situation because she couldn't tell him that we were together, so it would be weird to tell him no.
We continued dating through all of this and our relationship became a bit rocky. I didn't like the fact that she was hanging out with him, nor did I like the fact that she didn't know what was going to happen with him and her. It was all very complicated, all very screwed up. Then another boy comes around and asks her out, she says yes because in everyone else's eyes she wasn't attached to anybody. I was angry, we got in a fight and we broke up. That was in December.
There's been a few boys off and on since then, never really any ones that stuck because they all seem to be assholes, but that one, the ex, still stays. They still go and hang out every once in a while, maybe 1 to 2 times every 2 weeks, so that's really not all that much.
I dunno, feel like all of everything I just typed led up to nothing because I feel like I'm about to completely change the topic or the reason I'm writing this. I guess I'm just confused, I'm angry, I'm sad. I love this girl more than anything in the world and I've made sure to be around here as much as possible the past 2 years. I think the longest we spent away from each other was almost a month and that was during the winter break of my freshman year in high school. I spent the summer after freshman year with this girl and last summer with her as well. Last winter break I was only gone for 2 weeks so I could see her soon and the same goes for this winter break. I can't stand being away from this girl. I love her to death and I still want to be with her and that doesn't mean for the moment, but I would honestly want to be with this girl for the rest of my life, that's how strongly I feel. It's such a difficult situation because of how most of the world views our relationship, or I guess the relationship we would have if we were together. It makes it really difficult when my family is very Christian and I know how they view homosexuality, they don't approve. It's funny too because I don't even consider myself a homosexual. I've never felt this way about a female before and I really don't think I'll ever feel this way about another one. It's just strange.
Anyway, back to the main subject at hand. I don't think anyone here could really understand how I feel about this girl because you're not me and as much as I could describe my feelings, they're not even close to how it really is for me. My current issue is our overall situation. We're not together, so I have no right to say what she can or can't do. Right now she's out hanging out with her ex and I'm angry. I can't sleep when she's gone, I sit and wait up for her to get home. I'm just angry because her ex still really wants to be with her and still acts like they're together at times. She's told me before that she's truly contemplated telling him that there's no chance that they'll get back together (she's told me that her feelings for him and her love for him has changed a lot since their breakup and she just doesn't feel the same way she use to and they do have their difference so she doesn't think he's really the one for her), but the moment she says that their friendship is over. She's even told me that she hasn't said anything because she's still trying to hold onto that friendship. It upsets me somewhat because I feel like she's lying to him and lying to herself.
I'm angry, I'm jealous and all I want is to be with her. She's told me that if I was a guy, we would probably be together. For the most part I'm perfect for her and the only problems we ever really have have to do with the fact that we're not together and I get really jealous when she goes out and hangs out with her ex or hangs out with other guys. So if we're so perfect for each other, why aren't we together then? I understand why we aren't together because we're both females, but if we love each other that much, shouldn't it not matter? Shouldn't "love conquer all" as they say? I'm just frustrated. I want to be with this girl so bad and I love her so much and I know she feels the same way, I can see it in her eyes, but why does she have to go and see what else is out there? Why does she have to keep her ex around when all he's doing is trapping her in a corner?
I know some people might say, "give her up, it's not worth it", but I don't want to. I don't want to give up, I don't want to be with anyone else. Her and I still sleep next to each other almost every night. It's a situation where we're no together, but things happen where it would seem like we were. I know by allowing those things to happen it's probably making the situation harder on myself, but I want to be that close to her. I love her to death. At times I wish I could just skip forward in time and bypass all this bullshit, all these other guys and get to the point where we are together forever, but who's to say that's even going to happen? I dunno, I'm really not sure what else to type at this point. I'm not even sure if this was everything I wanted to say or if any of it made sense. I guess I just needed to vent and get some of these things off my chest.
So I guess all I'm asking for from you people is some feedback. What's your take on the situation, what would you do? I guess just talk to me. :)