something new for a change

[ArTkY_]

No, that's not the title. Here goes:

Some days I spend just
cursing at the ceiling
others, at the wall
and still others I spend
bickering with myself about
the reason why my eyes hurt.
There is an itch that is perpetual;
unattainable, I should say
literally gnawing at my brain.
I can't think of the last minute I've had
but can remember the last two years perfectly.

I suppose I should ask myself,
"have I gone completely mad?
It's unfortunate, the reply

[TK]

Very simple, but I thought you wrote this well. I liked it.
And I'm sorry that my reply is completely useless, ha.

[de la sympathie]

I really, really like this. Short, choppy, to the point.

[ArTkY_]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

[bootsydan]

I have to say I'm not really a fan of your style. The language you use doesn't really grab me.

But it seems to work for others - so more power to you.

I liked this bit:

I can't think of the last minute I've had
but can remember the last two years perfectly.

[as_we_learn]

I'm gonna go with Bootysdan, I'm not a big fan of this one. It's not bad, I'm just not that interested in it for some reason, but I usually do love your stuff.

[ArTkY_]

Thanks for reading. Anything you'd like me to improve? Though I doubt I'd change anything about my style, any teacher I've ever had has told me I'm a good writer :shrug:

[OveriseFan]

The way it's written, gramatically, I dislike. I really, really hate it. And I know you don't give a shit about it - because you're all "free verse", but I think there has to be some kind of sensibility to it, or else a reason for it, and for some reason, I can't find it (which is rare for you.). It's not necessarily that there's anything wrong with it, and I think I might even like the subject matter, it just doesn't do anything for me in the end.

I also hate, hate, hate this line: "unattainable, I should say".

[ArTkY_]

The way it's written, gramatically, I dislike. I really, really hate it. And I know you don't give a shit about it - because you're all "free verse", but I think there has to be some kind of sensibility to it, or else a reason for it, and for some reason, I can't find it (which is rare for you.). It's not necessarily that there's anything wrong with it, and I think I might even like the subject matter, it just doesn't do anything for me in the end.

I also hate, hate, hate this line: "unattainable, I should say".
This poem is fantastic grammatically, that was totally the last thing I expected, haha. There's a few missing commas for flow, but that's it.

[OveriseFan]

Did you just edit this...?

I swear you must have... Hahaha.

[ArTkY_]

It was like this from the beginning. Did you read it or not?

[OveriseFan]

It was like this from the beginning. Did you read it or not?

I'm torn on this. I really am. I've read it about twenty times since it's been posted.

It still bugs me... and I'll point out why in a separate post.

[OveriseFan]

Some days I spend just
cursing at the ceiling
others, at the wall --- The bluntness of this, due to a lack of punctuation in the previous line irked me. I know it's intentional, but it annoys me, and I don't really think it's necessary.
and still others I spend --- Better than the last.
bickering with myself about
the reason why my eyes hurt. --- This is nice, and yet contributes to what I'm going to say in my final conclusion.
There is an itch that is perpetual;
unattainable, I should say--- Eh, I really dislike this. With the semi-colon it's almost like it's thrown in for "shock value", and I'm not a fan. It's cheap. There has to be a better way to say this.
I can't think of the last minute I've had
but can remember the last two years perfectly. --- Lame. Cliche. Something I've written a thousand times before on napkins and things, and let me tell you: it's still a dumb idea.

I suppose I should ask myself,
"have I gone completely mad? --- I hate that you don't close off the quotation here. Care to explain why? Because "It's unfortunate, the reply" almost seems as if it's still being said by you, to yourself... which would be interesting/cool, but wouldn't make much sense.
It's unfortunate, the reply

This entire poem is just so cheesy. Honestly, it's like really well-written, bad high-school poetry. Its got moments of brilliance, and it's clear you're a great writer... but the poem itself isn't good. You ever read a book, where the writer is so good that you'll read the whole thing, but at the end of it you didn't really get anything, and don't feel enhanced for the better at all? That's what this poem is for me. The poem almost reads as selfish to me.

Sorry. But don't ever question whether I even read something of yours, Tariq. I love you, man.

What's been going on?

[ArTkY_]

Poetry is introspective, it's personal. You're supposed to gain insight into me, and then into yourself. So yes, it is very selfish. This is how I write all my stuff dude. And the quotation not being closed, that was just a typo.

[ArTkY_]

And in response to your post in the thread I deleted because I felt like I was being retarded, I do want criticism, I just don't understand the punctuation thing.

[OveriseFan]

And in response to your post in the thread I deleted because I felt like I was being retarded, I do want criticism, I just don't understand the punctuation thing.

Well you and I view punctuation in different ways, clearly.

Punctuation is as important as the words on the page for me. Maybe I've got it wrong. :shrug:

[OveriseFan]

Poetry is introspective, it's personal. You're supposed to gain insight into me, and then into yourself. So yes, it is very selfish. This is how I write all my stuff dude. And the quotation not being closed, that was just a typo.

But the problem is it felt cheap to me. So any insight into you seemed fake, and it certainly didn't affect me or make me think in anyway.

This is not like all your stuff - that's why you said "Something new for a change." ;-)

[ArTkY_]

But the problem is it felt cheap to me. So any insight into you seemed fake, and it certainly didn't affect me or make me think in anyway.

This is not like all your stuff - that's why you said "Something new for a change." ;-)
Well, I think a lot of my stuff is like this nowadays, stylistically. You know how I love to change stuff up. For a reference point, this is the last poem I wrote. Prior to this, that is.

you caught me unawares
with your temper,
you know.
i was so absentminded,
staring into portraits,
thinking of whosoever vicariously suffers
the sight of this.
but it was beautiful,
oh, it was beautiful.

the perfect body, the perfect body of water
i felt it
and my fingers hold the same shape of the indentation
that i pressed on it's stomach,
and my lips hold the same shape
that i pressed upon it's breast
it held the shape of my love,
oh, my love.

i threw my heart of wood into the water
for you to float upon.
you've drowned so many times before
Well you and I view punctuation in different ways, clearly.

Punctuation is as important as the words on the page for me. Maybe I've got it wrong. :shrug:
Punctuation is important, it's extremely important to me. I'm a grammar nut, but not when I'm writing poems... because then I try to use punctuation as effectively as possible.

I'm going to try my best to get this published so I can piss you off.

[OveriseFan]

I'm going to try my best to get this published so I can piss you off.

Hahaha. Why would that piss me off? I'd be happy for you.

I think you're completely overreacting to this... seriously, you got two positive comments, followed by two people who didn't try to help you, but just said that it didn't work for them. I responded with the same as the latter two, but then tried to tell you why.

You're acting like you've got something to prove to us (or maybe just me) and I don't know why. No one's insulting you at all. No one's attacking you. You seem so stressed out and irritable; what's up?

[ArTkY_]

I'm taking 17 hours and I'm completely terrified, to be totally honest. My classes are all really cool, but still. It's a massive workload.

[de la sympathie]

Are you going to be alright, Tariq?

[ArTkY_]

I'll live. Tbqh, I'm pumped for this semester, so I hope this momentum lasts me the year.

[de la sympathie]

Well, if you need anything, we're here.

[ArTkY_]

Thanks. Dude, I totally started working on your tape, if there's any song that I've written that you'd like to hear me play, please don't hesitate to ask. Or if there's a cover that you think I can do, haha.

[de la sympathie]

I demand a Neutral Milk Hotel cover, no matter what, because I think that would be really interesting to hear you play.

What do you want from Rockford? I've started taking pictures, but I don't know what else there is. I'll figure something out, of course.

[lfdfforever]

i need to write something