ripmyheartout
10/24/04, 11:39 PM
oiy. okay this is a looong story, so im gonna shorten it as much as i can.
basically, fell in love in love and got my heartbroken...
...but i fell in love with my bestfriend ((so you know now, im a lesbian))
it was all her fault really, it took me a long time to admit that. she broke up with me in july bc she was tired of lying; she'd built a wall of lies so i wouldn't break her, until she couldn't take it anymore, then she broke me.
but
as if that didnt hurt enough
i am her bestfriend, so i hear every detail about the new infatuations in her life. obviously, i havent moved on, and she knows this. surprisingly, this isnt really the worst part, since ive dealt with it before ((i liked her about 10 months before i finally broke out)).
i still want to be her bestfriend, and i dont believe that we are really entirely end of story over, bc shes all about repeating herself, so i have hope. but the real issue at the moment is that... well, i guess shes just being abusive.
ive always been depressed ((except for the 8 months we were together... god im so pathetic.. lol)), and sometimes even suicidal ((not bc i want to be, im actually quite terrified of wanting to die)), and she used to be soo supportive. now, when i say something she gets pissed. she tells me all i do is whine and complain ((which is very hypocritical of her, but there are worse things than complaining about complaining to the person who deals with your complaining every night on the phone)). then she says she "isnt sure" if she wants to be bestfriends anymore, bc im her ex, and she doesnt feel comfortable in expressing to me every tiny intimate detail about her and this new girl.
she brings it up. i avoid the subject of the new girlfriend entirely. the night before she told me this bullshit, SHE ASKED ME ON THE PHONE FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE THE GIRL FEEL SPECIAL. and shes pissed at me, for something shes doing.
in a way this is nothing new.
but im not going to abandon her, not bc im pathetic and not over her ((which is true)), but bc.. well im not sure how to describe it. like ive stood by her and taken all this shit so long, im the only one who can see that she always comes back around. so shes gonna kick and scream and bitch and by next at most next year, shell regret it all and be back to her old self, and then start over. basically, im just waiting, and i dont really know what advice im looking for. maybe im not looking for advice, since i dont think i really want any either, actually, i think im writing this just so someone will finally listen. ive kept this in so long with no one to tell.
now ive told everyone on AP.net, and it feels great.
and btw, please reply. then ill know youre listening.
basically, fell in love in love and got my heartbroken...
...but i fell in love with my bestfriend ((so you know now, im a lesbian))
it was all her fault really, it took me a long time to admit that. she broke up with me in july bc she was tired of lying; she'd built a wall of lies so i wouldn't break her, until she couldn't take it anymore, then she broke me.
but
as if that didnt hurt enough
i am her bestfriend, so i hear every detail about the new infatuations in her life. obviously, i havent moved on, and she knows this. surprisingly, this isnt really the worst part, since ive dealt with it before ((i liked her about 10 months before i finally broke out)).
i still want to be her bestfriend, and i dont believe that we are really entirely end of story over, bc shes all about repeating herself, so i have hope. but the real issue at the moment is that... well, i guess shes just being abusive.
ive always been depressed ((except for the 8 months we were together... god im so pathetic.. lol)), and sometimes even suicidal ((not bc i want to be, im actually quite terrified of wanting to die)), and she used to be soo supportive. now, when i say something she gets pissed. she tells me all i do is whine and complain ((which is very hypocritical of her, but there are worse things than complaining about complaining to the person who deals with your complaining every night on the phone)). then she says she "isnt sure" if she wants to be bestfriends anymore, bc im her ex, and she doesnt feel comfortable in expressing to me every tiny intimate detail about her and this new girl.
she brings it up. i avoid the subject of the new girlfriend entirely. the night before she told me this bullshit, SHE ASKED ME ON THE PHONE FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE THE GIRL FEEL SPECIAL. and shes pissed at me, for something shes doing.
in a way this is nothing new.
but im not going to abandon her, not bc im pathetic and not over her ((which is true)), but bc.. well im not sure how to describe it. like ive stood by her and taken all this shit so long, im the only one who can see that she always comes back around. so shes gonna kick and scream and bitch and by next at most next year, shell regret it all and be back to her old self, and then start over. basically, im just waiting, and i dont really know what advice im looking for. maybe im not looking for advice, since i dont think i really want any either, actually, i think im writing this just so someone will finally listen. ive kept this in so long with no one to tell.
now ive told everyone on AP.net, and it feels great.
and btw, please reply. then ill know youre listening.