"21"

[twilightoxoxmcr]

*note: this is the 1st song I've ever wrote
(tell me what you think)

when your a little girl.
you see the world,
the air, the sky,
the flowers growing outside your...life
can wait to be the bride.
hiding from the side that your getting closer,
to the day you'll be 21

you got to break out *whisper

why don't you break.
out from that shell
your ringing like a bell.
a bell a bell.
sleep well my bell. and dream of the day your 21

i can feel your sadness ever now and then.
scared of the day you'll marry him.
break free from your shell my bell,
and you'll be his bell.
your scared to be his 21

from the time
i saw you grow,
from crib to the bed.
from the time
i helped you,
take your first steps.
and from the time,
you called from me,

"mom I'm scared to be his 21"

[gusta0117]

break*

[twilightoxoxmcr]

lol thank you (i suck at spelling)

[rea_18]

that is really good.

[a speedo model]

when you're a little girl.
you see the world,
the air, the sky,
the flowers growing outside your...life
can wait to be the bride.
hiding from the side that you're getting closer,
to the day you'll be 21

you've got to break out *whisper

why don't you break.
out from that shell
you're ringing like a bell.
a bell a bell.
sleep well my bell, and dream of the day your 21

i can feel your sadness every now and then.
scared of the day you'll marry him.
break free from your shell my bell,
and you'll be his bell.
you're scared to be his 21

from the time
i saw you grow,
from crib to the bed.
from the time
i helped you,
take your first steps.
and from the time,
you called for me,

"mom I'm scared to be his 21"

This is a version with the grammatical and spelling errors fixed, the ones I saw straight away.

[a speedo model]

when you're a little girl.
you see the world,
the air, the sky,
the flowers growing outside your...life

Wait...what? A bad beginning, the imagery is misguided and....a bit ridiculous. It is unintersting. It's hard to feel any connection with it.

can wait to be the bride.
hiding from the side that you're getting closer,
to the day you'll be 21

This is not interesting imagery-wise or just on the basic level of something that holds a person's interest, just simple steps to move the song forward.

you've got to break out *whisper

Silly.

why don't you break.
out from that shell
you're ringing like a bell.
a bell a bell.
sleep well my bell, and dream of the day your 21

A very simple and cliche chorus, simple overused ideas with the traditional last line tying into the theme of the song.

i can feel your sadness every now and then.
scared of the day you'll marry him.
break free from your shell my bell,
and you'll be his bell.
you're scared to be his 21

Nothing much different here, same ideas and imagery. There really isn't anything to connect to, you don't use anything that can have the reader care. What keeps me reading? This isn't even a very interesting story, something that has been said and done so many times, you need to really take it in a direction that is going to show you're putting a new spin on the subject, not merely rehashing old overused thoughts.

from the time
i saw you grow,
from crib to the bed.
from the time
i helped you,
take your first steps.
and from the time,
you called for me,

"mom I'm scared to be his 21"

The ending had no satisfaction. No ending, just another stanza that could've fit into the middle or beginning or wherever. What makes this the conclusion? How does this bring the rest of the song to close? There needs to be a journey, a progression, where the narrative moves somewhere. This was stuck and continued to spin its wheels of overused ideas and imagery, never really taking off or getting anywhere.

Keep writing, try and approach topics from a fresh perspective.