Carried Away

[#WhiteFender#]

I can’t see beyond the skies
Faces screaming to stay awake,
To breathe this air
And I can’t shake
This feeling that something’s not there

I’m rolled around, lifted up
I’m being carried against my will
From the thrashing waves
Up the rocky hills
I’m seeing two of everything

And I
I’m trying to hold on
I’m looking in to your panic stricken eyes
What’s going on, will I be alright
They carry me away

The pain is singing a lullaby
As I’m carried through the darkness
I hear their voices
And my mouth can’t stress
What my thoughts are trying to say


As I’m sped through
This lonely town’s highway
With the face of an angel
Telling me to stay awake
And I
I’m trying to hold on
But I can’t see your face it’s gone,
What’s going on, I can hear the sirens
Taking me away

Taking me away.



August 29, 2008B26F989B-2927-DBDA-A8F3-ED3F627828EB
1.02.21
1.02.05B26F989B-2927-DBDA-A8F3-ED3F627828EB
1.02.21
1.02.05

[#WhiteFender#]

feedback??

:]

[chistianna.]

its really good, but kinda long, maybe try to make it somewhat shorter without cutting out the strong parts.
but overall, its really good.
:]

[KMS]

Reads like a song :)

[#WhiteFender#]

wow, thank you all so much.

[lew_1987]

I've read poetry like this before... You manage to give some imagery, but not much else. Sometimes you need to give a bit more than that. You don't seem to carry the piece away anywhere, and it makes the whole thing seem pretty meaningless to me. This also made it hard for me to reach the end; you could cut out a lot of this and still retain the same feel that you're going for. Try to have more effect with less words.

[#WhiteFender#]

I've read poetry like this before... You manage to give some imagery, but not much else. Sometimes you need to give a bit more than that. You don't seem to carry the piece away anywhere, and it makes the whole thing seem pretty meaningless to me. This also made it hard for me to reach the end; you could cut out a lot of this and still retain the same feel that you're going for. Try to have more effect with less words.

alright. i'll work on shortening it, thanks for your input
B26F989B-2927-DBDA-A8F3-ED3F627828EB
1.02.21
1.02.05

[lew_1987]

What the hell is with all that shit in your posts?

[#WhiteFender#]

i have no clue. i've asked on the forum questions, but i've yet to recieve a response. i hate it.

[#WhiteFender#]

^ Normal!!!

[nkalldayyy]

it sounds so reminiscent of underoath.
i like it though, intense.