Peace

[de la sympathie]

peace

all night, we laid in that pink room.
drowning in sweat and the late summer heat
we tangled up, talking about the universe
and how we'd broken the shower and ruined dinner.
how a battlefield erupted on your back, and me
how this was all going to go downhill in the morning
how certain we were, this had to go wrong.

all night, we spent the last day of summer
half dressed and foolish as we touched
in more than appropriate ways, twisted
together till all the atoms in our bodies seemed to
collide, then mesh, reaching out towards one another.
sealing in themselves the promise of a weaker tomorrow
but a brighter future past that, and beyond, something good
because we were half-asleep and sure of ourselves.

all night, we talked, half dead but more alive than anyone
rude and soft, better than anyone could hope to be.
more pure and true than anyone could hope to be.
now all i want to do is spend all night with you every night
sleep in in the morning and have nothing to do all day
but you, and there would be peace
i'm sure of it

---

This was just something really quick I wrote, but I really like it. I'm sure this won't go over as well as I hope, but I'm just looking for thoughts on it.

[intensified]

I liked the first stanza a lot. That's about it.

[de la sympathie]

I liked the first stanza a lot. That's about it.

Thanks. Much appreciated.

[Neo Cassady]

I read this aloud with the beginning of Sigur Ros' "Untitled #4" playing in the background, unintentionally, and then went back and did it again on purpose. It fits that kind of mood, and I love that.

What I would work on is the last stanza. The first two flow very well and have a good consistency in tone, and kind of build up (or maybe it was the music), whereas the third seems much more conversational, less poetic, somewhat repetitive ("than anyone could hope to be"), and ultimately anticlimactic. Give it a better ending; otherwise, it's great.

[de la sympathie]

I read this aloud with the beginning of Sigur Ros' "Untitled #4" playing in the background, unintentionally, and then went back and did it again on purpose. It fits that kind of mood, and I love that.

What I would work on is the last stanza. The first two flow very well and have a good consistency in tone, and kind of build up (or maybe it was the music), whereas the third seems much more conversational, less poetic, somewhat repetitive ("than anyone could hope to be"), and ultimately anticlimactic. Give it a better ending; otherwise, it's great.


I think I get what you're saying. I'm trying to think of some substitute lines in lieu of a few of the ones in the last stanza. Thank you. I'll post them when I'm done and then you can see.

[SmAshD DrumstiX]

i liked it, and was thinking that it would b great 2 read at the next local slam...

[OveriseFan]

I can't read this type of stuff from you. Makes me uncomfortable. Sorry.

I was coming in to promise a comment in a couple days, when I read it, and realized I couldn't.

[TK]

peace

all night, we laid in that pink room.
drowning in sweat and the late summer heat
we tangled up, talking about the universe
and how we'd broken the shower and ruined dinner.
how a battlefield erupted on your back, and me
how this was all going to go downhill in the morning
how certain we were, this had to go wrong.


I can't find anything wrong with the first two verses, but I just didn't like how this began. As for the 4th verse, I think we'd should be we had there. I think it works a lot better. And I'm unsure about the battle field erupting line, although that's because I just don't get it:shrug: I liked the last two lines of this though.


all night, we spent the last day of summer
half dressed and foolish as we touched
in more than appropriate ways, twisted
together till all the atoms in our bodies seemed to
collide, then mesh, reaching out towards one another.
sealing in themselves the promise of a weaker tomorrow
but a brighter future past that, and beyond, something good
because we were half-asleep and sure of ourselves.


This was really well written.


all night, we talked, half dead but more alive than anyone
rude and soft, better than anyone could hope to be.
more pure and true than anyone could hope to be.
now all i want to do is spend all night with you every night
sleep in in the morning and have nothing to do all day
but you, and there would be peace
i'm sure of it


I thought you need to scrap this and rewrite a new ending.


Overall, it wasn't bad. I don't like this type of pieces, so that's what kept me from enjoying this. Better than I can write though, that's for sure.

[de la sympathie]

I can't read this type of stuff from you. Makes me uncomfortable. Sorry.

I was coming in to promise a comment in a couple days, when I read it, and realized I couldn't.


Figured you'd say that. But you're the one I love feedback from the most. But it's okay. I don't know if you get really what it's about, though. Nothing sexual, don't think that way.

[Idlewarrior]

If this is not about anything sexual, could you tell me what it is about? because I tried to think of what else it could be, IE: a relationship with your dog, or your stuffed animal, or your sibling, but it just doesn;t seem right to be anything but a lover, please let me know, I am kind of anxious to find out :P (I liked it btw, but yeah, the last stanza kind of goes out with a fizzle, instead of a smack)

[becauseyouwant2]

I liked the first Stanza a lot. I thought it was really well done.

The second stanza I found to be awkward, but that is what I liked about it since it was describing an act that probably felt strange to begin with.

As for the third, I wouldn't entirely scrap it. I would just reword it slightly, especially two lines that end with "anyone could hope...". Try to create two separate ideas without the same ending and the rest of the stanza will probably fall right into place around that.

[carcrashofahart]

evokes some memories of my own, which i can only think is a good thing. i wish more females felt comfortable writing explicitly. even if not about sex, i def think there is an underlying of lust... and love.

[OveriseFan]

Figured you'd say that. But you're the one I love feedback from the most. But it's okay. I don't know if you get really what it's about, though. Nothing sexual, don't think that way.

I'll try to - it's just weird.

And to say there isn't a hint of sexuality is a lie. Because there is. Not being about SEX =/= not being sexual. To me anyway.

[ArTkY_]

I read this aloud with the beginning of Sigur Ros' "Untitled #4" playing in the background, unintentionally, and then went back and did it again on purpose. It fits that kind of mood, and I love that.

What I would work on is the last stanza. The first two flow very well and have a good consistency in tone, and kind of build up (or maybe it was the music), whereas the third seems much more conversational, less poetic, somewhat repetitive ("than anyone could hope to be"), and ultimately anticlimactic. Give it a better ending; otherwise, it's great.
What he said.

[de la sympathie]

If this is not about anything sexual, could you tell me what it is about? because I tried to think of what else it could be, IE: a relationship with your dog, or your stuffed animal, or your sibling, but it just doesn;t seem right to be anything but a lover, please let me know, I am kind of anxious to find out :P (I liked it btw, but yeah, the last stanza kind of goes out with a fizzle, instead of a smack)

It's a really long story. But basically it begins and ends with my best friend, my boyfriend and i all just laying in bed at about two in the morning talking about things.

How do you think I could improve the ending?

I liked the first Stanza a lot. I thought it was really well done.

The second stanza I found to be awkward, but that is what I liked about it since it was describing an act that probably felt strange to begin with.

As for the third, I wouldn't entirely scrap it. I would just reword it slightly, especially two lines that end with "anyone could hope...". Try to create two separate ideas without the same ending and the rest of the stanza will probably fall right into place around that.

I'm still trying. I don't know why this is so difficult for me to do. Thank you.

evokes some memories of my own, which i can only think is a good thing. i wish more females felt comfortable writing explicitly. even if not about sex, i def think there is an underlying of lust... and love.

You're right. But it's not about sex. It's more about just connecting in general.

I'll try to - it's just weird.

And to say there isn't a hint of sexuality is a lie. Because there is. Not being about SEX =/= not being sexual. To me anyway.

I didn't intend for it to be sexual. For me, it was just all about the connection - and that's not in a sexual way either. But you're right, now that I look at it again there are undertones of it. I guess that's only natural.

What he said.

Thanks, Tariq. ;)

[mattybobviously]

Thought this was REALLY good, though it does veer off a bit in the last stanza. Absolutely love a lot of lines in this.

[carcrashofahart]

You're right. But it's not about sex. It's more about just connecting in general.

all night, we spent the last day of summer
half dressed and foolish as we touched
in more than appropriate ways, twisted
together till all the atoms in our bodies seemed to
collide, then mesh, reaching out towards one another.

screams sex to me, lol. if you feel so strongly about the reader assuming its sexual, you shouldnt be so ambiguous. maybe change it up a bit to stray away from the topic at hand. focus more on emotional connecting versus physical. :)

[de la sympathie]

Thought this was REALLY good, though it does veer off a bit in the last stanza. Absolutely love a lot of lines in this.

Thanks. And I'm still trying to figure out that last stanza. I'm having a lot of trouble making it sound right.

all night, we spent the last day of summer
half dressed and foolish as we touched
in more than appropriate ways, twisted
together till all the atoms in our bodies seemed to
collide, then mesh, reaching out towards one another.

screams sex to me, lol. if you feel so strongly about the reader assuming its sexual, you shouldnt be so ambiguous. maybe change it up a bit to stray away from the topic at hand. focus more on emotional connecting versus physical. :)

I understand what you're saying. And I can see why you think that. I don't know - for me, personally, it was all about connecting in both ways, but neither of those ways sexually. But obviously, if the reader doesn't get the same thing I did, then I haven't written it very successfully, haha.

[OveriseFan]

Yeah, I think that's the problem. You describe everything in the physical sense, and so, naturally, it's sexual...

[de la sympathie]

Yeah, I think that's the problem. You describe everything in the physical sense, and so, naturally, it's sexual...

That seems to be a problem I have a lot. Not making things sexual, haha, that's not what I mean. I mean getting what I get out of it across to the reader. That happens a lot when I write, I think. So I'll have to keep changing things up, and see what I can do that's new.

[ArTkY_]

Well, the purpose of writing is YOU getting something out of it. Yeats once said, "we make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry."

[de la sympathie]

Well, the purpose of writing is YOU getting something out of it. Yeats once said, "we make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry."

I write for me, yes. But once it gets out there, then it's open to interpretation. It becomes the reader's poem, for just that minute, and they get what they get out of it. But if no one who critiques it understands it, then it is up to me to help them understand it. If someone were reading this in a book, they wouldn't immediately understand why I wrote it, and what it is about. But then again, it is nice to get out of it what you will. I have this argument with myself a lot.

And I like that quote. You college student, you.

[ArTkY_]

I write for me, yes. But once it gets out there, then it's open to interpretation. It becomes the reader's poem, for just that minute, and they get what they get out of it. But if no one who critiques it understands it, then it is up to me to help them understand it. If someone were reading this in a book, they wouldn't immediately understand why I wrote it, and what it is about. But then again, it is nice to get out of it what you will. I have this argument with myself a lot.

And I like that quote. You college student, you.
You could write a poem about that argument with yourself!

Haha, I've been meaning to post that quote here for a while, it's beautiful.

[OveriseFan]

If you only write for yourself - you wouldn't publish your work.

If you never want your work to be read by anyone else - don't worry about it. But if you intend to have others read it (this includes posting it on an internet forum), you should think about your audience AFTER you write it. Then look back, think about whether the poem is ready, and whether it conveys the message you want it to convey.

Don't kid yourself and say that you write solely for yourself. It doesn't make you a better, more honest, or even less scripted writer.

[ArTkY_]

You're right James, and I agree with you. But you write for yourself first, and not only for other people.

[OveriseFan]

You're right James, and I agree with you. But you write for yourself first, and not only for other people.

Well, yeah, I'd hope so. Otherwise it's fake. But I hate when people defend their poetry by saying "it's personal" or something. Because let's face it, once it's out there, it's everyone's.

I think you, Shauna, and I all have the same views on this though. I'm not saying it to you guys, I'm just saying in general.

[de la sympathie]

You could write a poem about that argument with yourself!

Haha, I've been meaning to post that quote here for a while, it's beautiful.


Hahaha, now that you say that...

It is really nice. Did you really learn that in college?

[Idlewarrior]

all night, we talked, half dead but more alive than anyone
rude and soft, better than anyone could hope to be.
more pure and true than anyone could hope to be.
now all i want to do is spend all night with you every night
sleep in in the morning and have nothing to do all day
but you, and there would be peace
i'm sure of it

Those two lines kinda mean the same thing. Being rude and soft is ina sense, being perfect, being perfect is basically being pure, etc. It sounds fine right now, but it could sound great if you change that. The first line is great too, I would keep that, but that's just me. In fact, all I'd change is from the 4th line down, after you change those two parallels before the 4th, and I get what those last lines mean, I just think you should maybe reword it is all. That's my two cents, sorry I took so long to reply, very good piece of writing though ;) (If you don't like my opinions, then just ignore me haha, I am just trying to give a more clear response to what I said earlier)

[de la sympathie]

Those two lines kinda mean the same thing. Being rude and soft is ina sense, being perfect, being perfect is basically being pure, etc. It sounds fine right now, but it could sound great if you change that. The first line is great too, I would keep that, but that's just me. In fact, all I'd change is from the 4th line down, after you change those two parallels before the 4th, and I get what those last lines mean, I just think you should maybe reword it is all. That's my two cents, sorry I took so long to reply, very good piece of writing though ;) (If you don't like my opinions, then just ignore me haha, I am just trying to give a more clear response to what I said earlier)

I get it. Man, that was a really long critique. Thank you for taking all that time! Much appreciated.

[Idlewarrior]

I get it. Man, that was a really long critique. Thank you for taking all that time! Much appreciated.

Hehe, well, I like to treat others how I want to be treated :P

[ArTkY_]

Hahaha, now that you say that...

It is really nice. Did you really learn that in college?
Yeah, I did, haha. It's what we opened up with in our poetry class, it's even on our syllabus.