PDA

View Full Version : You'd Hate Yourself in the Fall

intensified
09/02/08, 04:05 PM
I won't lie to you,
I'm only a vacant ride to a new destination.
I have never wanted to be right,
But I've always wanted to be loved.
I miss the fingers I never had,
The shy moments that were never mine.
I kid myself by recklessly shouting "I'm worth it!"
When alas, I'm nothing but a track in the woods.
And if it came about that you were to spot me,
You'd cover me up with a blanket of leaves...
Because I'm only worth a good place to hide.

So, yeah. It's really short but whatever. Thoughts?
adifferentmess
09/02/08, 09:14 PM
love it
intensified
09/02/08, 09:46 PM
love it

Thanks, dear.
TK
09/02/08, 09:54 PM
I liked this, but I think the last line needs rewording or completely rewritten.
intensified
09/03/08, 08:06 AM
I liked this, but I think the last line needs rewording or completely rewritten.

Yeah, I think I agree with you. I tried playing around with it but wasn't confident with anything I came up with. Haha.

Thanks for reading.
Seina
09/04/08, 01:54 AM
Kinda simple, yet I really like it.
lew_1987
09/04/08, 04:27 AM
You managed to cover a subject that has done far too many times, but still made it something decent. Nice one.
intensified
09/05/08, 10:24 PM
Kinda simple, yet I really like it.

Thank you. :-d

You managed to cover a subject that has done far too many times, but still made it something decent. Nice one.

Thanks for reading, sir.
de la sympathie
09/06/08, 04:31 PM
I really liked this. Only things I saw that I didn't like were the 'alas' and the ellipse. For some reason, that seemed awkward to me.

And 'recklessly' does not have a W in the beginning.

Nice work.
intensified
09/06/08, 10:29 PM
I really liked this. Only things I saw that I didn't like were the 'alas' and the ellipse. For some reason, that seemed awkward to me.

And 'recklessly' does not have a W in the beginning.

Nice work.

Hahahaha, yeah. I just noticed that a couple of minutes ago. =-P
aiden_cooladam9
09/07/08, 01:35 AM
i thought it was really good :-)
intensified
09/07/08, 06:20 PM
i thought it was really good :-)

Thank you. =]
JimGray
09/08/08, 07:05 AM
Agreed on the last line...

where the fuck have you been?
chistianna.
09/08/08, 10:23 AM
i like the idea of it, i think you should add on.
intensified
09/08/08, 04:04 PM
Agreed on the last line...

where the fuck have you been?

Around. I messaged you and you never said anything back.

Thanks for reading.

i like the idea of it, i think you should add on.

I don't know what else I would do with it if I were to add on.

Thanks for commenting.
JimGray
09/10/08, 08:06 AM
Around. I messaged you and you never said anything back.

Thanks for reading.




Wow, i'm sorry, I dont have a clue why I did not reply.

Weird.