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View Full Version : Like liquor it lingers (I know it's long, but please critque!)


Idlewarrior
09/03/08, 06:08 PM
Fermented from sleep
My sockets heavy
Yesterdays’ gone and left
A memory
Still fresh, but empty

Touched by thought
A grasp less incoherent
Arms stretched out
I could hear it

In a grey scale performance
The vivid lights flew by
Contrasting each other
Like the Continents
But smothered

Whittled down to a whisper
Placed in my brain
Spilling down with pressure
A burning haze without restrain

Decay, today, and clot
The tissues, dead and clogged
Blocked simple synapses
I have broken branches

And about yesterday
It all remains the same
Not a him or her
Just an it, an itch
An annoyance

Failure to commence
The propriety
The launch sequence
I refrain from society

Documents recorded
The encounter of my pain
Doctor, he let the patients wait
His liver in his eyes
Bled out through the night
A burn victims sin

Carry me out, on waves of dead skin
Peeling the faces that forgive, that gave in
Bandage my wounds, did what’s done

Take the wheel, put me underneath
Going to go home, to wet my bones
Getting ready to smoke like breathe
Cast aside, with muddy knees

I can’t hold on to memory lane
It’s been closed for construction
I’ve used the freeway
Detoured to shutdown, to reduction

In character I’ve grown
A chia-pet fed
Remembrance thrown away
Tomorrow’s coming up shortly
I’ve got only a day
To forget what’s taken place
Yesterdays passed, so ignore me
Close the door until you’re fourty!

de la sympathie
09/04/08, 05:49 PM
Honestly, this would be a lot better condensed. It takes a long time to read and seems fragmented when you try and tie it all together. Sometimes it really seems like it doesn't fit at all. Just try and make things flow better; tie some of these segments together and see what happens.

Idlewarrior
09/04/08, 07:43 PM
alright, thanks for the input, I just reread it a few times, and you're right, it would probably sound and look better more squished together

chistianna.
09/08/08, 02:10 PM
yea, you should definitely shorten it, i like this part tho

Carry me out, on waves of dead skin
Peeling the faces that forgive, that gave in
Bandage my wounds, did what’s done

leave that alone.

Idlewarrior
09/08/08, 03:59 PM
thanks for the tip christianna ;)

chistianna.
09/08/08, 07:23 PM
oh your welcome.
:]

deathbatgurl
09/14/08, 09:30 AM
that sounds great, i wouldn't condense it any more, lyrics should be as long as u want them to be