So Cold, Everytime I Closed My Eyes To Think, I Thought, No, Let the Temperature Rise

[Idlewarrior]

My poor son is broken, he's breaking
All drugged up but still acting tough
He's a gunshell without the powder
He's a card dealing wannabe rounder

A cascading snowflake blood frenzy
It washed my insides to nasty chunks
They fell from my mouth, but I was praying
An alien should come save me, Take me from myself

Was this what it was like when I was born?
It felt so right, no feelings feeling foreign
But I felt it, I felt it through my bones
And I, I know it's true, that I, think in ones and twos
But I, I felt it, I felt it like brand new

Truth be told, I am digesting your face
Making it harder to breathe, my oxygen water laced
I gotta see what I'm conquesting, whether it be those
legs, or indecision of inner dreadnoughts fighting

Play for me that song
Gone, Gone, I am
I've Given, gave in, Been where you have been
My lover, My Mother, The gloves are on
And i'm going to play along
Singing at the top,
The top of the bottle I drunk from

Can't you stay at home, and offer them your hand
too good to be condemned, the proof being hordes of evil men
She made it work, Believed to be her mission
Suicide as credentials, Still alive, but with less potential

She swore to me
She had given me the only source
Of light, as thick as sight itself
She said if I blinked I'd cross
Into a state of frequent loss
But a promise made, she'd stay with me
Till I, Till I found a way to live
To live like a coal mined canary
And I'd say, thanks, thanks but i'm ok

[de la sympathie]

I just really, really like how this piece flows. You do very well in the sense that when you write, it usually flows very well.

I'll say more later, but I gotta go. Nice, though. Good work.

[Idlewarrior]

Why thank you de la, I don't know why either, but whenever I write, it feels like I have tiny fits of creation, and those tiny concentrated bursts fuel the flowing, it's rather strange, hehe, appreciate the time you took :)

[TK]

My poor son is broken, he's breaking
All drugged up but still acting tough
He's a gunshell without the powder
He's a card dealing wannabe rounder


I didn't really get the whole thought of someone being broken, and breaking. I guess the old saying is broke is broke. Maybe you mean he's not good and getting worse, but I don't think you wrote it that way. Besides that, the opening was decent.


A cascading snowflake blood frenzy
It washed my insides to nasty chunks
They fell from my mouth, but I was praying
An alien should come save me, Take me from myself

This was okay. The description in the first line wasn't bad necessary, snowflake just seemed out of place. The second and third lines were fine, and that last line wasn't bad, it just felt kind of cartoony with alien being in it, haha. Know what I mean?


Was this what it was like when I was born?
It felt so right, no feelings feeling foreign
But I felt it, I felt it through my bones
And I, I know it's true, that I, think in ones and twos
But I, I felt it, I felt it like brand new

Good. Although was the last line a reference to the band? Ha, it seemed liked it. If not, you might want to add "it was".


Truth be told, I am digesting your face
Making it harder to breathe, my oxygen water laced
I gotta see what I'm conquesting, whether it be those
legs, or indecision of inner dreadnoughts fighting

Eh, again. This was okay. I like where you're going, just not how you wrote it per say. And is conquesting supposed to be congesting? But again, I like it, but this whole piece so far has seemed a bit off place at times.


Play for me that song
Gone, Gone, I am
I've Given, gave in, Been where you have been
My lover, My Mother, The gloves are on
And i'm going to play along
Singing at the top,
The top of the bottle I drunk from

I liked this. It's simple, so not much else to say.


Can't you stay at home, and offer them your hand
too good to be condemned, the proof being hordes of evil men
She made it work, Believed to be her mission
Suicide as credentials, Still alive, but with less potential

Eh, I think this is bad. I would really try rewriting this.


She swore to me
She had given me the only source
Of light, as thick as sight itself
She said if I blinked I'd cross
Into a state of frequent loss
But a promise made, she'd stay with me
Till I, Till I found a way to live
To live like a coal mined canary
And I'd say, thanks, thanks but i'm ok
Nice ending, no complaints.


Overall, it was above average I would say. Maybe good. Although like Shauna said, the flow was really nice.

[Alex Djaferis]

this is a lot better then most things i've read here recently. nice one.

[Idlewarrior]

I didn't really get the whole thought of someone being broken, and breaking. I guess the old saying is broke is broke. Maybe you mean he's not good and getting worse, but I don't think you wrote it that way. Besides that, the opening was decent.

I said that he's broken, breaking, to inflect the idea, you know, like I couldn't believe it myself, even though it has happened


This was okay. The description in the first line wasn't bad necessary, snowflake just seemed out of place. The second and third lines were fine, and that last line wasn't bad, it just felt kind of cartoony with alien being in it, haha. Know what I mean?

Well, the snowflake bit had to do with the title, like a tiny mental breakdown, to get the brain working, and in the process, the shock of what's happening is being relieved. and I said alien because we have no idea what exactly we "pray" to, and I felt alien was a much better choice than god, or diety or titan etc, you get the idea, maybe it wasn't, but I liked it :O But you may have a point in the cartoony vision


Good. Although was the last line a reference to the band? Ha, it seemed liked it. If not, you might want to add "it was".

It was not, even though I listen to them a lot hehe,


Eh, again. This was okay. I like where you're going, just not how you wrote it per say. And is conquesting supposed to be congesting? But again, I like it, but this whole piece so far has seemed a bit off place at times.

I felt the same way after I read it, being as I kind of didn't like how I wrote it, but I kind of don't want to change it, it sends the right vibe I wanted to deploy in that part of my piece, and it's supposed to be conquesting, congesting kind of wouldn't make sense, maybe that's just me though.


I liked this. It's simple, so not much else to say.


Eh, I think this is bad. I would really try rewriting this.

really? What do you dislike about it? I thought it was one of my finer and more easily recognizable points :O


Nice ending, no complaints.


Overall, it was above average I would say. Maybe good. Although like Shauna said, the flow was really nice.

Hehe, well, thanks for checking it out, I have others, if my work interests you, otherwise, I'm sure i'll see you around, hehe :)

[deathbatgurl]

that is awesome. ur really good at writting lyrics

[TK]

Well, the snowflake bit had to do with the title, like a tiny mental breakdown, to get the brain working, and in the process, the shock of what's happening is being relieved. and I said alien because we have no idea what exactly we "pray" to, and I felt alien was a much better choice than god, or diety or titan etc, you get the idea, maybe it wasn't, but I liked it :O But you may have a point in the cartoony vision

Oh, okay. And I didn't say it was a bad line, I just thought it was cartoony sounding.


I felt the same way after I read it, being as I kind of didn't like how I wrote it, but I kind of don't want to change it, it sends the right vibe I wanted to deploy in that part of my piece, and it's supposed to be conquesting, congesting kind of wouldn't make sense, maybe that's just me though.

Ha, I didn't even know conquesting was a word.



really? What do you dislike about it? I thought it was one of my finer and more easily recognizable points :O

I just thought it was poorly written, minus the last line.