Some random lines that I have scribbled down (constructive critisism please!)

[Paul Diggity]

Hold your line on my back this battle ground
troops rush in, and I will defend, your right to walk all over me
my mouth is a flame throwing preacher, with a nice rhyming feature
and my words are my own gasoline...


Pin the blame on my coffee burnt tounge
I'll cool it off with this here handgun
put an end to my terrible taste
at the same time lay yours to waste
one kiss and a bullet
show me the trigger I'll pull it
all this just to shut you up
this one time was time enough...


There's no way my lines can ever do justice
to all my lies and lack of substance


We all have our moments "between ecstacy and elegy..."
switch back inconsitently, witty, smart, suddenly
can you sence the fear in my voice, of failure and choice?
with every line grows my little hunch, that they all have somehow beat me to the punch...


Its a misconseption leading to disaster when you want it to..
and you always do
Its an understanding leading to compassion when you want it to...
and you never do


I wish that I had the sunlight through my window
I'm just another sorry use for all of your sorrow


I never thought that this would eat my memory
I guess I missed the memo and summary
saying that a waste of time, and a learning experience was worth the insperation in the end...


When I wake up this won't sound much better than this does right now
to my altered state of audio reality
I strive to flee from tragedy
but it has too strong of gravity...


Right now I can't help but feel this is sounding up something familiar
oh yeah , its another one of those
this is poetry not prose
my perscription status quoes have been filled with this cliche emotion...


In every somg its 4 am
on that tuesday night she said...

It dose'nt cross my mind to do anything anymore
is that such a crime?
sence when is living such a chore
when I open every door
and everyone becomes so hyprocrytical
I feel that I just can't care anymore


Mow I've never been so sick of people mocking me
I wouldnt mind turning back to the way I used to be
this last summer... as bad as that sounds this shit has driven me into the ground
the hounding starts sounding, starts sounding so repititave...
"this pesimistic attitude of his.."
has taken its toll
and I'm starting to think about all these words actually having a common goal...

[kimosabe]

that shit don't need constructive critisism, it needs destructive critisism...

[ABL0W]

Hey i think that is good stuff. It's clever and unique. I like the emo stuff, but apprently that other guy doesn't. Keep posting your lyrics and I'll keep checking them out.

[maledixtion]

the diction is pretty awesome. word usage and vocabulary are the strong points, but the aabb and abab style of rhyming is a bit too simplistic and childish. it also sounds very forced when you try to put a rhyme scheme like that into song. but yeah, you've got the hard part down, which is creating vivid images and irony through clever word use.

[Paul Diggity]

Thanks guys... I always knew that my words were my weak point... I just started really so I expected them to be rather immature... I'll keep up the practice!