Deception (Poem, Critique Please!)

[GhostHaze]

Deception slithered to my soul,
and sunk its ebony fangs in deep.

Its venom entered at the tips,
not only in my heart,
but my mind as well,
and because I didn't treat it fast enough,
it became lethal.

Belief and submission into a lie seemed so sweet.

I became a puppet,
and you were my puppet master.

I came out to the world only when you wanted,
and you pulled the strings so I danced,
over the the fiery pits of hell.

A flame licked my foot,
its tongue crawling up my wooden feet,
scorching and destroying everything in its path.

I cried out for help,
begging you to stop,
but you didn't hear me,
because you we caught in your own lies,
and nothing could save me then.

The strings frayed and broke,
my heart and body were blackened and charred beyond belief,
and only silvery ashes remain,
because you lied,
because of your,
Deception.

Do you even care?
-----------------------------
How's that? I tried not to be repetitive or the same as everyone else...

[GhostHaze]

Anyone have feedback? I want to learn to write better....Any comments are fine

[Idlewarrior]

Much better, but, one liner endings give me an angry face, it's almost as if you didn't even need it, the first five stanzas where good(Including the one lined bit), and it wasn't as cliche as it could have been, nice job

[GhostHaze]

Thanks; Usually I base my poems off events that have happened; I tried doing that with this one; Glad you liked it :D

[lew_1987]

It's pretty much impossible to use any poison/heart/fire/ashes metaphors without sounding incredibly cliched... so try to avoid those. Also try and avoid talking too much about your feelings without much justification for doing so.

[Jesse!]

It feels kind of disjointed. The metaphors you chose don't really do anything for the story, and they don't do too much for each other.

Snakes and puppetry and fire are all quite a bit different.

I do like the puppetry metaphor the best out of all of those. Although done before, it seems the least cheap.

Just as an example of a direction I would take if you were to continue on the puppet track - it is true, wood takes to fire quite well... but is fire a typical way a puppet is destroyed? I don't think fire when I think about that... I think puppets get thrown away, they fall apart from overuse or abuse... maybe the wood rots from a lack of proper care... but I think lighting a puppet on fire just doesn't strike my emotions as much as something that might feel more genuine.

These kinds of decisions will be very important to think about as you continue your writing.