Crying - please critique

[3ChinaPolicy]

whats black whats brown whats blue whats pink
what makes me bleed, what makes me think
of times when you and i were tight
those days we talked all through the night

now here i stand alone once more
you stupid slut, you stupid whore
you broke my heart, you make me sick
you crushed my soul, and snapped my dick

i cry aloud, i scream to the air
no one to here me, no one to care
the world is too busy, for a man like me
but soon i'll be loved, eventually.

depressed, suppressed, been emotionally burnt
write it down on my list, of things i've learnt
along with 'why not to piss on your wife'
and 'what happens when you jizz on a knife'

[3ChinaPolicy]

anyone got a comment on my work? Would love honest opinions

[JimGray]

That is easily one of the stupidest fucking things I have ever read.

Honestly.

[Roboman]

We get it, you're a fucking moron that will never provide anything constructive or beneficial to this forum. Now please go kill yourself.

[thespearkid]

I'm sorry about your snapped dick.

[nkalldayyy]

i love your rhyme scheme, its so quick and passionate. it works well with your subject matter, i really felt what you were saying.

is it supposed to be funny? like the jiz part? i laughed lol.

[kaycey]

I'm sorry about your snapped dick.
yeah, that must have hurt.

[kaycey]

i love your rhyme scheme, its so quick and passionate. it works well with your subject matter, i really felt what you were saying.

is it supposed to be funny? like the jiz part? i laughed lol.
you and i share the same birth date, and no i don't think he was going for funny.

[nkalldayyy]

you and i share the same birth date, and no i don't think he was going for funny.
awesome.
yeah i wasn't sure how he meant that last part. thanks though.

[lew_1987]

anyone got a comment on my work? Would love honest opinions

That's bullshit.

[Twizx]

and 'what happens when you jizz on a knife'

lol

[3ChinaPolicy]

That's bullshit.

honest is good, just not from u. Stupid little dickhead. Go find something better to do with your life then posting thousands of comments on a pointless forum. Maybe if you did other shit you wouldn't be such a pathetic little retard. Learn to laugh mate, I aim to make smiles for those who cry. And for those that don't understand that...they deserve some jizz to the face

[lew_1987]

honest is good, just not from u. Stupid little dickhead. Go find something better to do with your life then posting thousands of comments on a pointless forum. Maybe if you did other shit you wouldn't be such a pathetic little retard. Learn to laugh mate, I aim to make smiles for those who cry. And for those that don't understand that...they deserve some jizz to the face

Hahaha, this comment is wrong on so many fucking levels. Allow me to break it down from the beginning:

1. Don't say "just not from u" as if I'm exempt from giving my opinion. My honesty was never good for you from the start... double standards?

2. I'm stupid!? Hahahahahahahahaha.

3. I have found plenty of other things to do, hence why I'm not on this forum 24/7. If you're going to go on stereotypes like that, you're the Star Wars fan... go figure. If this forum is so pointless, why don't you stop posting your pointless unfunny pieces?

4. I'm a pathetic little retard? Please.

5. I laugh at things that are funny (see above). You are certainly not, hence why I don't laugh.

6. What a pathetic, disgusting ending comment. Fucking grow up.

[Maxwell]

Woah man, leave him alone...he's from the depths of hell, he's so edgy.

[3ChinaPolicy]

yo *** i wanna bang you like a sweet drum that evolved from the pinnacles of southern rock cock. blah blah fucken got a bitch sucking my toes mate. Man i need a shit again, man I'm totally gonna jizz on your dick if yall try this again aight!?

[lew_1987]

Another articulate, really well thought out response there.

[3ChinaPolicy]

Just cos your from Warrington, bitch. I'd like to see you jizz like a mother on your own poetry. Fuck, I'm tired.

[a speedo model]

A pathetic attempt, be very embarrassed.

[3ChinaPolicy]

i think you need to be embarrassed, about the fact you're made 27,670 posts on this forum. sad speedo, go outside and enjoy the sun.

[de la sympathie]

yo *** i wanna bang you like a sweet drum that evolved from the pinnacles of southern rock cock. blah blah fucken got a bitch sucking my toes mate. Man i need a shit again, man I'm totally gonna jizz on your dick if yall try this again aight!?


...


About the piece, I felt that it was incredibly sophomoric. At first, I thought maybe there was something salvageable - the first two lines, the rhyming was nice - but the rest of it just wasn't for me at all. Especially the last stanza, which completely demolished your credibility in the piece altogether.

[Twizx]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

this guy is amazing.

[a speedo model]

i think you need to be embarrassed, about the fact you're made 27,670 posts on this forum. sad speedo, go outside and enjoy the sun.
Unoriginal and boring like your writing. It's cute to watch the pathetic swing and miss.

[3ChinaPolicy]

come here and say that shiz daddy. Spark my light and I will fight all through the night til the sun makes things bright. LOL just kidding, I will suck you off however. Yummy yum yum tasty woo waa!!! Jizz on the lips and blood on the hips, live that way and your butt hole will be satisfied...forever

[FScott]

i think you need to be embarrassed, about the fact you're made 27,670 posts on this forum. sad speedo, go outside and enjoy the sun.

Hahaha so true.

[lew_1987]

Hahaha I hope this guy got banned.

[a speedo model]

Sure as hell will be after that. That was just inappropriate.

[TK]

This forum reeks of intelligence.

[JimGray]

This is fucking stupid.

[bailmeout13]

I am really confused and thinking I should not have clicked on this thread.

[Pistol_Whip]

this isnt bad, imo..

[h0merg0mez]

I could feel my own dick snapping as I read this. A+ out of 10.