Critique please.

[inCinerate.1028]

Wrote this in about 5 minutes, let me know what you think or let me know a direction i should go in for writing:


Empty, like a hollow sea cave
Deep in the trenches with what fill our lungs
We cannot breathe alone, or see clearly
Underwater chambers, melodies to be sung
But as we open our mouths to sing
The water rushes in and fills every vein
We choke, choke on that pure deadly liquid
While our body floats down and decays
Look to the surface to see a light
I promise, I swear we can swim our way out
Float up to your long, narrow neck
Exit your heart, leave behind all my doubt

[Brandon Allin]

First of all, nothing that you're really proud of should be written in 5 minutes, unless it's something you've had stowed away in the back of your mind for a while. Try to invest a little more time, and I'm sure you'll find it's worth your while. In this case, it's a bit overly descriptive, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Tweak it a little bit, and you might be on to something. Well done.

[justletgo]

i thought it was pretty good.