mat1419
02/02/05, 07:15 AM
"Punxsutawney, PA — At precisely 7:25 am Monday, February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his stump at Gobbler's Knob amidst thousands of revelers eager for his traditional proclamation of a warmer February or six more weeks of winter. Instead he took one look at his shadow and began hurling paw-fulls of steaming feces at a dumbfounded crowd of onlookers.
The unprovoked attack continued for several minutes as the groundhog catapulted his dung with surprising accuracy and disdain for public safety.
According to witnesses, the nugget-sized chunks of woodchuck excrement seemed to come from every direction and without any warning. Many fled the scene while others stood in awe of the groundhog's odd behavior, watching his little trigger-happy arms unleash an endless peppering of crap cakes.
So how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
"It was pretty much raining turds for a good ten minutes," witness James Riggins said afterwards. "I don't know where all that came from, but apparently he's been a busy beaver...I mean groundhog."
To the thousands of children in attendance, however, it was a terrifying scene. In between their shrill screams and tears was the question on everyone's mind -- why?
"It doesn’t take a genius to understand that Punxsutawney Phil was trying to tell us something more profound than six more weeks of winter," local science teacher Ernest Gotzkamp said. "It’s fairly evident he was trying to deliver a more spiritual message—possibly one that will save humanity from the wrath of God Himself."
"Well think about it this way," added Animal Control Officer Joey “Joe” Jones, "imagine you’ve just woken up from a 6 month sleep and there's 10,000 people watching you take your morning leak. I'd probably throw some shit too."
While there was much speculation among the crowd as to what the feces-hurling meant in regard to the weather forecast, others took a more scientific approach to the incident.
Punxsutawney Animal Behaviorist Ed Labia scoffed at the layman theories, explaining that Phil’s response of hurling fecal matter provided important cues to the distress he's experienced under captivity. Added Labia, "How the hell is he supposed to forecast the weather when we're clipping his toenails and feeding him Fritos?"
Despite the theories, Punxsutawney Mayor John Hallman was quick to defend the groundhog’s weather forecasting ability.
“Granted Phil has only had a 39% success rate over his 116-year-career, but I think it goes deeper than that. Our town’s economy relies solely on that groundhog’s forecast. Did I say our town’s economy? I’m sorry—I meant to say America’s livelihood. Edit that.”
For those interested, several examples of Phil's personally made "ground round" will be on display in the sitting room of the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce. Viewing hours are Monday through Friday 10am - 4pm and costs $2.00
By the way, there will be six more weeks of winter. Get used to it."
The unprovoked attack continued for several minutes as the groundhog catapulted his dung with surprising accuracy and disdain for public safety.
According to witnesses, the nugget-sized chunks of woodchuck excrement seemed to come from every direction and without any warning. Many fled the scene while others stood in awe of the groundhog's odd behavior, watching his little trigger-happy arms unleash an endless peppering of crap cakes.
So how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
"It was pretty much raining turds for a good ten minutes," witness James Riggins said afterwards. "I don't know where all that came from, but apparently he's been a busy beaver...I mean groundhog."
To the thousands of children in attendance, however, it was a terrifying scene. In between their shrill screams and tears was the question on everyone's mind -- why?
"It doesn’t take a genius to understand that Punxsutawney Phil was trying to tell us something more profound than six more weeks of winter," local science teacher Ernest Gotzkamp said. "It’s fairly evident he was trying to deliver a more spiritual message—possibly one that will save humanity from the wrath of God Himself."
"Well think about it this way," added Animal Control Officer Joey “Joe” Jones, "imagine you’ve just woken up from a 6 month sleep and there's 10,000 people watching you take your morning leak. I'd probably throw some shit too."
While there was much speculation among the crowd as to what the feces-hurling meant in regard to the weather forecast, others took a more scientific approach to the incident.
Punxsutawney Animal Behaviorist Ed Labia scoffed at the layman theories, explaining that Phil’s response of hurling fecal matter provided important cues to the distress he's experienced under captivity. Added Labia, "How the hell is he supposed to forecast the weather when we're clipping his toenails and feeding him Fritos?"
Despite the theories, Punxsutawney Mayor John Hallman was quick to defend the groundhog’s weather forecasting ability.
“Granted Phil has only had a 39% success rate over his 116-year-career, but I think it goes deeper than that. Our town’s economy relies solely on that groundhog’s forecast. Did I say our town’s economy? I’m sorry—I meant to say America’s livelihood. Edit that.”
For those interested, several examples of Phil's personally made "ground round" will be on display in the sitting room of the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce. Viewing hours are Monday through Friday 10am - 4pm and costs $2.00
By the way, there will be six more weeks of winter. Get used to it."