Jack The Lad Lovers "Making Out In" Davey Jones Lockers

[beau blood rush]

My head called it quits, on the call back home.
fool for "trigger binges" on a lonely road.
she's all point blank persistence with love to my head,
I'm just a loaded word at best.
just one bullet verb from impact away from one mess to many,
I "ran" from a runny nosebleed along the coastline in a gurney.
ended up on the bench, no chaser's
quoting "The Omeaga Man" and "Catch Me If You Can".
the mash up of my teens,
"a pocket full of penny's with no world to spend it on"
so i turned my back on myself(esteem)
and spent it on my own.

[bootsydan]

I've resisted commenting on your works for a while on the basis that maybe your work is actually good and I just don't get it. Maybe its for others and not me, and for that reason why should I reply with my negativity?

But this time I feel like it needs to be said.

In my opinion, you write want-to-be-clever lyrics which don't actually give us a very good indication of who you are, where you've been, what you've done or what is actually interesting (or uninteresting) in your life in any way. You may think you're being honest, and good for you, but I think you're just ripping a style best known as 'Tell all your friends' - which years on from that album comes across immature and overdramatic.

For instance:

'My head called it quits, on the call back home. fool for "trigger binges" on a lonely road.'

What the fuck does that mean?

'She's all point blank persistence with love to my head, I'm just a loaded word at best'

What the fuck does that mean?

'Just one bullet verb from impact away from one mess to many'

It's getting worse...

'I "ran" ...

Why the fuck is that word in inverted commas? If you didn't "run" what did you do?

...'from a runny nosebleed along the coastline in a gurney'

This shit is just ridiculous.

'ended up on the bench, no chasers'

Finally a line that kind of makes some sort of sense

'quoting "The Omega Man" and "Catch me If you can".

Lines like these prove you can actually write something plausible and interesting. Thank you.

'The mash up of my teens, a pocket full of penny's with no world to spend it on'

Firstly, 'Pennys' - do they still exist? I don't think so. Get with the times. Secondly, what the fuck does it mean 'no world to spend it on?' You don't spend money on the world - unless - and this is arguable - your giving it to charity or a 3rd world country or something. You spend it on objects and the like. Are you starting to understand where I'm coming from with want-to-be-clever. Lines you can read once and think 'that was a good line' - then you read twice and realize it makes absolutely no sense. They are want-to-be-meatphorical want-to-be-meaningful lines that don't actually mean shit logically.

'So I turned my back on myself (esteem)'

That line is either ends on 'my self esteem' or 'myself'. (esteem) in brackets after that line doesn't make sense otherwise. It's just you trying to be clever with wordplay. But failing.

'And spend it on my own'

If the build up to this wasn't just plain stupid I would've congratulated you on the closer.


Maybe this is some undue harsh criticism. But I feel like I had to say it at some point. You probably don't care, but if you asked for my advice, I would say quit trying to be clever and wordy and write something real. And I think you could actually be a good writer.

[beau blood rush]

hey man, i completely respect how you feel about this because i know that it's so hard to understand,
i don't expect this to change how you feel about how i write, but the least i can do it break it down so you can try to understand where I'm coming from.

'My head called it quits, on the call back home. fool for "trigger binges" on a lonely road.'

This line sums up what I'm trying to bring across the whole poem,
I'm sick of the daily grind of life, desperate to break out of the same old
in a world where i have to rely upon myself to make my own way i "trigger binge"
meaning the addiction to the short rushes of excitement and ambition (like a gun shot) i feel some of the time, that keeps me on track.
I'm alone and scared but at the same time the danger of it all keeps me strong.
like a positive and a negative.


'She's all point blank persistence with love to my head, I'm just a loaded word at best'


still rolling off the arms metaphor i applied earlier (as i feel it best describes me and the short bursts of change, movement, excitement, risk and ambition in my life)
the "she" is a metaphor for the world and despite the pressure i feel from it (her) as realised in the metaphor of having a gun (in the form of my love for making something out of myself) to my head at point blank persistence (meaning, i'm feeling a persistence from the world so strong, unable to miss, that i should be doing whatever it takes to succeed) i still feel i will never ammount to anything more, and that i don't deserve it. I use the term "loaded word" doubly to continue on the arms metaphor, and as a metaphor for how i see myself, over confident, emotive, not neccecarily logical and hurtful to myself.


'Just one bullet verb from impact away from one mess to many'

rounding out the arms metaphor i use bullet verb as a way to demonstrate a quick, not well planned action, coming from the line prior saying if the world (refrenced earlier as "she") took the shot (meaning i succumbed to the pressure of the world to make something of myself) i feel i'll just turn out the mess i already see myself as, accept now it'll be one to many in the way that now that i have succeeded everyone will be able to see me for who i am.
it's the fear of that.
the fear that succeeding will also be my downfall.

'I "ran"

the reason i qouted "ran" is because that's the verb (mentioned prior) i'm saying i ended up choosing.
over other more productive ones, saying the fear of everything i've mentioned prior ended up winning.
I actually never got a perfect hold of punctuation in english though, so maybe i've demonstraded this with the " marks wrong?

...'from a runny nosebleed along the coastline in a gurney'

runny nosebleed meaning i lost the fight i have in myself with the world,
in everything i've read heading to the coast is usually always a metphor for running away
and a gurney is what they use in a hospital to transport you from one place to another
the whole line summing up as, i'm running away, lost, and i'm bruised for it.



'ended up on the bench, no chasers'



you seem to have understood this, but just to be thourough and to make sure you have the right idea it basicaly uses the alcoholism demonstrated as a metaphor for giving up on life.


'quoting "The Omega Man" and "Catch me If you can".


in the metaphor of sitting at a bar talking to myself and/or the bartender or a fellow drinker qouting those two films, which i feel demonstrate how i feel about my life at this point.
which i demonstrate in the following line which you hated the most (haha)
which is..


'The mash up of my teens, a pocket full of penny's with no world to spend it on'


the mash up of my teens meaning, as i said before those two films demonstrating how i feel about my life, in that "a pocket full of penny's" the "catch me if you can" half meaning although i've successfully conned myself into a succesful life (money being a metaphor for other successes, the success of my dreams) as the running theme of catch me if you can is the character conning his way into millions of dollars, I've no world to spend it on (The omeaga man half of the mash up, with the story about him being the last man on the world)
so it's a metaphor for allthough i've achieved everything i set out to, it's at the expense of feeling lonely, and nothing or noone to enjoy it with.
and as for why i chose penny, i liked the word as it has a more nostalgic feel, and flows better with pocket.


'So I turned my back on myself (esteem)'


finally giving up on myself, and how i see myself, (the bracketed esteem part demonstrating this)
you're probably right here, it's word play at it's worst, but it demonstrated how i felt the most.
i did write this at 3 o clock in the morning.

'And spend it on my own'


the closing line representing that although i will never feel those normal emotions of hapiness i'll have learnt to deal, and make the most of it.
because really it's what i wanted, and thats what matters most.


and as a side note, if your wondering how the title relates to all this "jack the lad" is a term meaning a character with a lot of confidence in him/herself
with the lovers representing a love for him/herself
making out meaning enjoying ther own sense of accomplishment
but doomed from the start, represented in davey jones lockers, meaning ther've sunk so far into thier own ambition ther dead to the world.






If you have read all this i really appreciate this, obviously i can't do this for everything i write, i'm not a fast enough typer, i hope this lets you know that although i come off random there is sense behind these ramblings,
and your constructive crit will definitely push me to progress my writing to the point where it might be easier for people to understand what i'm talking about.

I fell in love with colorful language though, anyone can say "i love my life" or "i'm scared"
i truly love the puzzle of hiding how i feel behind so much language that it's barely intelligable.
and all of what i feel are the most amazing writers and songwriters in history do the same thing, from lennon to (i'm asking for a bashing here) pete.

i've gotta keep honning my craft though obviously.
it'd be sweet if you could let me know whether you think all this i've just said is just bullshit, or if you can kind of see it now.


cheers mate.

Beau

[beau blood rush]

oh and this whole poem is about a fictional story wondering what it would be like if i did accomplish what i'm setting out for.
so obviously the latter half of the poem hasn't come to pass yet
just in case you thought this is how i feel now

[bootsydan]

That's all very well. But I think you'd be lucky if 1/100 people understood that that was what all your lines were about. Maybe that's what you want. But I think if you read the lyrics of your favourit artists it would be quite clear what they are talking about. Even if they used colorful language.

I fell in love with colorful language though, anyone can say "i love my life" or "i'm scared"
i truly love the puzzle of hiding how i feel behind so much language that it's barely intelligable.
and all of what i feel are the most amazing writers and songwriters in history do the same thing, from lennon to (i'm asking for a bashing here) pete.

Not to say don't use colorful language. For sure, do it. It can be very interesting. But you gotta be careful with it. There is a such thing as too much. And if you're playing in a pop punk type band (I presume you are) colorful language usually wins you points with the 'scenesters' and loses you points with the people who listen to critically acclaimed music. Because it comes across as try hard. Not creative.

If you like hiding how you feel - then thats fine s a style. Language like this can be interesting. But I just didn't want to skirt around the issue with my review - which is your style of writing. That's what are either gonna get people in or turn them away. And I'm just letting you know that it turns me away.

And Pete Wentz? Yes, you are asking for a bashing.

At least you took my very critical response well. Keep going with it. As I said - there are bits and pieces in there that make me think you can write well.

[beau blood rush]

cheers man, if you got time, check out the new full fledged song i wrote (in a post above this) and let me know what you think its about and whether you like it or not.