Oh Jezebel

[TK]

I feel bad for posting two pieces in one night... This is very rough, but I just finished writing it. I'm not very pleased with parts of this, but I like it overall. But I thought I'd get some feedback before I make changes.
So...Thoughts? Criticism?


The trees are growing out of former hobbies
Branching themselves into unfamiliar territories
The bucket is kicking old, bad habits
And filling itself with different interests
I'm moving on from the places that I've been
I've left the holes I used to dig myself in
And she's lost all of his dead weight
She's even letting go of her own ball and chain

So when are you going to change?
Come on now, life is a continuous play
It is always switching costumes and lines
So why can't you deal with change this one time?

Winter is going to start soon
But you're a new flower ready to bloom
With petals that long to shine in the sun
But the more I study you,
The more your petals lose their beauty
To your roots, and the dirt you sit upon.

Oh Jezebel,
Why do you look so down?
You've never blamed yourself,
So don't start doing it now.
The months will fly by like seconds
But to me, they'll be years I'm counting down.
I guess that's the difference.
So how can you expect me to hang around?

Because I've learned to
Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking will be the only moving that you'll ever do.
So I'm sorry, but I have to cut some off.

So when are you going to change?
Life is a continuous play
It is always switching characters and settings
There's always those worth forgetting.
And always time to switch the script
No one will even notice it.
So when are you going to change?
Will you ever change?
Oh will you ever change?
Will you ever, ever, ever change?

Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking is the only moving you will ever do.

[lew_1987]

I really liked some lines in this... but I feel like some of them could be removed/improved. Is this written about your mother?

[cris545]

I feel bad for posting two pieces in one night... This is very rough, but I just finished writing it. I'm not very pleased with parts of this, but I like it overall. But I thought I'd get some feedback before I make changes.
So...Thoughts? Criticism?


The trees are growing out of former hobbies
Branching themselves into unfamiliar territories
The bucket is kicking old, bad habits
And filling itself with different interests
I'm moving on from the places that I've been
I've left the holes I used to dig myself in
And she's lost all of his dead weight
She's even letting go of her own ball and chain

So when are you going to change?
Life is a continuous play
It is always switching costumes and lines
So why can't you change this time?

Winter is going to start soon
But you're a new flower ready to bloom
With petals that long to shine in the sun
But the more I study you,
The more your petals lose their beauty
To your roots, and the dirt you sit upon.

Oh Jezebel, it's not you.
It's never been you.
I've just wanted to start a new life
I've just wanted to not be held back or kept down
I've just wanted out
Out of this town and the friends I've kept around...

And I've learned to
Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking is the only moving that you'll ever do
I'm sorry, but I have to make some cuts...

So when are you going to change?
Life is a continuous play
It is always switching characters and settings
There's always those worth forgetting.
And always time to switch the script
No one will even notice it.
So when are you going to change?
Will you ever change?
Oh will ever change?
Will you ever, ever, ever change?

Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking is the only moving you will ever do.
I liked this, but I think you should change the way you wrote the lines that I bolded. I'm sure you could think of a better way of expressing those that doesn't make those lines slightly cliche or too direct.

[de la sympathie]

To be honest, most of this was good, but the second stanza and the "oh jezebel" part were remarkably weak. However, you started this piece on a strong note, and the last two lines were great. Just shore up those parts and I think you'll be good.

[Baby VenomVeins]

I absolutely love the ending, especially the idea of it.

Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking is the only moving you will ever do.

Otherwise, I agree. The "oh jezebel" part was pretty weak, but I like the overall feeling/image I got from the piece.

[TK]

I really liked some lines in this... but I feel like some of them could be removed/improved. Is this written about your mother?

I've changed it slightly, I'm not sure if it's any better though. And to an extent, yes. It's directed more towards two friends and family who have a problem with me planning on moving next year.

Thanks for commenting Lew.

I liked this, but I think you should change the way you wrote the lines that I bolded. I'm sure you could think of a better way of expressing those that doesn't make those lines slightly cliche or too direct.

I changed up parts of this slightly, and will probably end up revising this again. But thanks for the feedback, I'll try working on the parts you mention.

To be honest, most of this was good, but the second stanza and the "oh jezebel" part were remarkably weak. However, you started this piece on a strong note, and the last two lines were great. Just shore up those parts and I think you'll be good.

Hahaha, I loved how you said "remarkably weak". Well, at least if I'm doing something wrong, I'm remarkable at it. Thanks for the comments Shauna.

I absolutely love the ending, especially the idea of it.

Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking is the only moving you will ever do.

Otherwise, I agree. The "oh jezebel" part was pretty weak, but I like the overall feeling/image I got from the piece.

I've revised the Jezebel part, so hopefully it's improved. But I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it.

[Idlewarrior]

wow, TK, the change vastly improves the "Oh Jezebel" stanza, it is much better, nice work, i'm sorry i'm not too insightful tonight, but it's always good to see the changes

[lew_1987]

I've changed it slightly, I'm not sure if it's any better though. And to an extent, yes. It's directed more towards two friends and family who have a problem with me planning on moving next year.

Thanks for commenting Lew.

No problem.

That's what I got from it, but it's just that you told me some things about your mother disagreeing with you moving, so that's what I thought of.

It is a bit better.

[bootsydan]

The trees are growing out of former hobbies
Branching themselves into unfamiliar territories

This is just silly to me. I feel like so many times I see people try and be meaningful and metaphoric with nature objects, that its just a cliche. Very hard to do well anymore. And this isn't done that well.

The bucket is kicking old, bad habits
And filling itself with different interests

Not sure what you mean with this line. Sounds like you're just trying to be clever with the whole 'kick the bucket' phrase. The bucket being a metaphor for yourself? And your getting new interests? I dunno. Whether my interpretation is right or wrong I don't think it matters, cause again, I'm going to label these want to be clever metahpors as 'silly'. I often think you would be better off trying to be less clever.

I'm moving on from the places that I've been
I've left the holes I used to dig myself in

This one was actually good though. Maybe because the first line was a real situation, which is made interesting by the clever second line. As opposed to the other two bits above which just jump straight into cleverness.

And she's lost all of his dead weight
She's even letting go of her own ball and chain

I liked this as well.



So when are you going to change?
Come on now, life is a continuous play
It is always switching costumes and lines
So why can't you deal with change this one time?

Winter is going to start soon
But you're a new flower ready to bloom
With petals that long to shine in the sun
But the more I study you,
The more your petals lose their beauty
To your roots, and the dirt you sit upon.

Oh Jezebel,
Why do you look so down?
You've never blamed yourself,
So don't start doing it now.
The months will fly by like seconds
But to me, they'll be years I'm counting down.
I guess that's the difference.
So how can you expect me to hang around?

This is all pretty weak.

Because I've learned to
Never let your ties weigh more than you
Or sinking will be the only moving that you'll ever do.
So I'm sorry, but I have to cut some off.

This is the best bit of the whole thing. I like it quite a lot.

So when are you going to change?
Life is a continuous play
It is always switching characters and settings
There's always those worth forgetting.
And always time to switch the script
No one will even notice it.
So when are you going to change?
Will you ever change?
Oh will you ever change?
Will you ever, ever, ever change?

These are the bits I like least about your writing, but its what you seem to do. You start getting all meaningful and sentimental about life. And thats not for me.


Overall. Some really good bits next to some really not so good bits.