Idle Mind, Idle Thoughts (Working Title)

[lew_1987]

Well, seeing as I haven't posted anything proper in so long... I thought I would. I just did some free-writing to try and get me writing other stuff again. I may turn this into something else eventually, but for now it's staying as it is. Thanks for reading.

An idle mind breeds idle thoughts.
Thoughts that go -
Nowhere. In time.
All the best intentions to keep it alive
But we kept it barely breathing -
Lord knows why.
The faces burnt onto the TV screen fade away
The air escapes from our mouths and turns grey.
It all has to end -
Some how.

I stand still and think about the history unresolved in our hands...
The people who (f/th)ought for their unknown kin.
It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.
Alone but alive -
There are so many idle minds just like mine.

EDIT: The title is actually going to be: Idle Thoughts, Idle Mind. Works better.

[beau blood rush]

" There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something."
brilliant movie.

This is nice man.

[Pistol_Whip]

'It all has to end -
Some how.'

'It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.'

[I]

Cliché babe

[lew_1987]

Cliché babe

And you'd know all about cliché, being the one who tries to make a name for himself by replicating someone else's (terrible) work word-for-word.

[cris545]

I think you should change it to ''and a cold that makes me feel alive'', perhaps.

[TK]

Cliché babe

:hitself:Just stop posting, please.



Well, seeing as I haven't posted anything proper in so long... I thought I would. I just did some free-writing to try and get me writing other stuff again. I may turn this into something else eventually, but for now it's staying as it is. Thanks for reading.

An idle mind breeds idle thoughts.
Thoughts that go -
Nowhere. In time.


Eh, pretty unoriginal beginning. Doesn't say that much either, because idle thoughts kind of sum the next two lines.


All the best intentions to keep it alive
But we kept it barely breathing -
Lord knows why.
The faces burnt onto the TV screen fade away
The air escapes from our mouths and turns grey.
It all has to end -
Some how.

I think the first two lines might be better if you reworded them, but otherwise, I liked this.


I stand still and think about the history unresolved in our hands...
The people who (f/th)ought for their unknown kin.
It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.
Alone but alive -
There are so many idle minds just like mine.

Not a bad way to end it, but again, I think the italicized lines needed to be reworded. Specifically, the first one. It was pretty bad reading it.

Overall Lew, I thought this was decent. Had a couple parts that were good, but it also had very rough parts that need to be revised or touched up on. Nice to see you posting stuff regardless though.

[lew_1987]

I think you should change it to ''and a cold that makes me feel alive'', perhaps.

Funnily enough, that's what I originally had there, but I just changed that word. I didn't want to say 'alive', because it seems too expected, but I wasn't 100% happy with 'alone', so I might change that eventually. Thanks for reading!

Eh, pretty unoriginal beginning. Doesn't say that much either, because idle thoughts kind of sum the next two lines.


I think the first two lines might be better if you reworded them, but otherwise, I liked this.


Not a bad way to end it, but again, I think the italicized lines needed to be reworded. Specifically, the first one. It was pretty bad reading it.

Overall Lew, I thought this was decent. Had a couple parts that were good, but it also had very rough parts that need to be revised or touched up on. Nice to see you posting stuff regardless though.

Thanks man. That was my idea really, just to get something posted... maybe it will start me writing again. I had a couple of brief ideas last night so I just started off with those and then wrote whatever was the firts thing that came into my head. I'm happy with the way it came out, but you're right; some of it needs a bit of work.

[cris545]

Funnily enough, that's what I originally had there, but I just changed that word. I didn't want to say 'alive', because it seems too expected, but I wasn't 100% happy with 'alone', so I might change that eventually. Thanks for reading!



Thanks man. That was my idea really, just to get something posted... maybe it will start me writing again. I had a couple of brief ideas last night so I just started off with those and then wrote whatever was the firts thing that came into my head. I'm happy with the way it came out, but you're right; some of it needs a bit of work.
Hmmmm I actually expected the word alone there. I think I associate cold with being alone instead of alive more. Maaaybe that's just me :-)

[lew_1987]

Hmmmm I actually expected the word alone there. I think I associate cold with being alone instead of alive more. Maaaybe that's just me :-)

I see what you mean... I suppose I wanted to convey that it's not a literal warmth/cold; hence why the warmth could make you shiver, and the cold could make you feel alive. It's a state of mind.

[bootsydan]

An idle mind breeds idle thoughts.
Thoughts that go -
Nowhere. In time.

Not sure you've told me anything interesting at all here.

All the best intentions to keep it alive
But we kept it barely breathing -
Lord knows why.

Same again.

The faces burnt onto the TV screen fade away
The air escapes from our mouths and turns grey.
It all has to end -
Some how.

The writing is OK. But I'm not a fan of how dour and negative it is. All the 'it all has to end' - very apocalyptic and overdramatic. I don't actually want to read to stuff like this. I find myself not caring about how bad you think things are. Although that maybe these are your honest thoughts - and I may agree with you - it doesn't mean you telling me this is going to open my mind, or make me see things different, or have any effect on me at all other than to think 'man this guy is an idiot'

I stand still and think about the history unresolved in our hands...
The people who (f/th)ought for their unknown kin.

This bit got me more interested.

It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.
Alone but alive -
There are so many idle minds just like mine.

Again, I don't like the heaviness of this. It's all very doom like. Warmth that makes you shiver. I mean its a bit ridiculous. Not realistic at all.


Overall this just hasn't got to me. I haven't learnt anything new about people with idle minds that I didn't already know, or I haven't learnt anything interesting at all. Sorry.

[lew_1987]

An idle mind breeds idle thoughts.
Thoughts that go -
Nowhere. In time.

Not sure you've told me anything interesting at all here.

All the best intentions to keep it alive
But we kept it barely breathing -
Lord knows why.

Same again.

The faces burnt onto the TV screen fade away
The air escapes from our mouths and turns grey.
It all has to end -
Some how.

The writing is OK. But I'm not a fan of how dour and negative it is. All the 'it all has to end' - very apocalyptic and overdramatic. I don't actually want to read to stuff like this. I find myself not caring about how bad you think things are. Although that maybe these are your honest thoughts - and I may agree with you - it doesn't mean you telling me this is going to open my mind, or make me see things different, or have any effect on me at all other than to think 'man this guy is an idiot'

I stand still and think about the history unresolved in our hands...
The people who (f/th)ought for their unknown kin.

This bit got me more interested.

It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.
Alone but alive -
There are so many idle minds just like mine.

Again, I don't like the heaviness of this. It's all very doom like. Warmth that makes you shiver. I mean its a bit ridiculous. Not realistic at all.


Overall this just hasn't got to me. I haven't learnt anything new about people with idle minds that I didn't already know, or I haven't learnt anything interesting at all. Sorry.

Ok... I don't like to use this line, but 'I think you've read it wrong'.

The first section is literally describing what happens to 'idle thoughts', and then comparing it to other things (TV and air). The 'it all has to end' part is just saying that idle thoughts get weeded out; they end, in the same way that the images burned on to the TV screen fade away shortly after you turn it off. It's not an apocalyptic statement as such.

The second section is developed from the first. This piece is pretty much just a thought process, and this is where my mind went next; from idle thoughts to something a bit more meaningful, which is maybe a little ironic?

You can read my explanation of the 'warm and cold' bit in my post to Cris above.

At the end of the piece is the realisation that no matter how pertinent I think my thoughts are, the truth is that I am just one of many 'idle minds'. There may be a certain doom and gloom to this, but this is where I like to go with my writing, and it's where my mind was at as I was writing it.

I hope that maybe the piece has a bit more substance now you understand the context of it a bit more. I take your criticism on board though; thanks for reading. I should be posting a revision soon.

[carcrashofahart]

It makes me both cold and warm at the same time.
A warmth that makes me shiver; and a cold that makes me feel alone.
Alone but alive -
There are so many idle minds just like mine.

Again, I don't like the heaviness of this. It's all very doom like. Warmth that makes you shiver. I mean its a bit ridiculous. Not realistic at all.

i don't think its ridiculous. warmth can make one shiver, especially if they are cold and warm at the same time. it's a sense of relief, but not. or at least that's what i walked away with.

i also don't see doom in the poem at all. more of realization and acceptance. alone but alive is the strongest sentence in the poem imo. speaks of survival, when at times it's hard to keep it alive, hard to breathe. i feel like there is an underlying sadness, but by the end, it's sort of at ease.

i'm sure i got it all wrong, but it was a great read nonetheless.

[lew_1987]

i don't think its ridiculous. warmth can make one shiver, especially if they are cold and warm at the same time. it's a sense of relief, but not. or at least that's what i walked away with.

i also don't see doom in the poem at all. more of realization and acceptance. alone but alive is the strongest sentence in the poem imo. speaks of survival, when at times it's hard to keep it alive, hard to breathe. i feel like there is an underlying sadness, but by the end, it's sort of at ease.

i'm sure i got it all wrong, but it was a great read nonetheless.

Thanks a lot! I think you got it right for the most part...

There is a certain amount of doom to this piece (as there is to most of my pieces), but there is also usually a lot of acceptance and realisation, like you say. If you want to go really deep, I guess this piece hints about some of the ills of the world, and a realisation that a lot of these things have to happen. There is still hope I suppose :shrug:

Either way, I still find it really interesting how people read it in different ways.

Thanks for reading.

[bootsydan]

Ok... I don't like to use this line, but 'I think you've read it wrong'.

The first section is literally describing what happens to 'idle thoughts', and then comparing it to other things (TV and air). The 'it all has to end' part is just saying that idle thoughts get weeded out; they end, in the same way that the images burned on to the TV screen fade away shortly after you turn it off. It's not an apocalyptic statement as such.

The second section is developed from the first. This piece is pretty much just a thought process, and this is where my mind went next; from idle thoughts to something a bit more meaningful, which is maybe a little ironic?

You can read my explanation of the 'warm and cold' bit in my post to Cris above.

At the end of the piece is the realisation that no matter how pertinent I think my thoughts are, the truth is that I am just one of many 'idle minds'. There may be a certain doom and gloom to this, but this is where I like to go with my writing, and it's where my mind was at as I was writing it.

I hope that maybe the piece has a bit more substance now you understand the context of it a bit more. I take your criticism on board though; thanks for reading. I should be posting a revision soon.

Trust me - with the exception of the tv screen fade away part - I got it.

I guess the thing that bugs me most about this is 'why?'. Forget about the poems mood or attitude or anything like that. What's your point? Why are you writing a poem about idle thoughts?

Cause I can't see a reason - and I think that is why I found this so uninteresting. Cause it just felt like a guy with an 'idle mind' trying to explain himself. You know. Who cares?

[lew_1987]

Trust me - with the exception of the tv screen fade away part - I got it.

I guess the thing that bugs me most about this is 'why?'. Forget about the poems mood or attitude or anything like that. What's your point? Why are you writing a poem about idle thoughts?

Cause I can't see a reason - and I think that is why I found this so uninteresting. Cause it just felt like a guy with an 'idle mind' trying to explain himself. You know. Who cares?

Haha, I see what you mean. I suppose that's what it is really, just an explanation of thought process... If you don't care, then you're allowed that. It wasn't a completely selfish piece; I can only try to interest you.

[stendhal]

Everything that I would have said has been said.

With that being said, not your best work, but I liked it okay. You captured the mindset of an idle mind pretty well. It may seem too dark at times, but I that's what happens when a mind is left to direct itself. Thoughts tend to become caricatures of themselves.

[lew_1987]

Everything that I would have said has been said.

With that being said, not your best work, but I liked it okay. You captured the mindset of an idle mind pretty well. It may seem too dark at times, but I that's what happens when a mind is left to direct itself. Thoughts tend to become caricatures of themselves.

That is one way of looking at it I suppose. Thanks for commenting.