Speaking of Blue

[stendhal]

"Give your mouth a rest."
But her posture says it best
humming syntax with body language
I talked my tongue dry.
Dug vehemently through the night,
stared down at the hole and said,
"Oh, well."

While we were shaking fists,
they buried hands deep in our pockets.
Now we sit around broke, stoned-
bitching about 'the man'.
Approached on my left,
making it her business
she says in jest,
"Give your mouth a rest,
it's what you do that makes the difference."

So I said, "That's well and fine
to keep your tongue tied most of the time
but when it comes to movin' and shakin'
that's all I know how to do...
talk myself blue."

[lew_1987]

Even though the rhymes were really obvious, I liked them. The only line that I didn't like was the 'bitching' line, but other than that I thought this was really good.

[stendhal]

Even though the rhymes were really obvious, I liked them. The only line that I didn't like was the 'bitching' line, but other than that I thought this was really good.


Agreed. Looking at the rhymes now, they really are conspicuous. But I'll record it soon, I hope that will show that the strength of the flow will far outweigh any blatant rhyming.

Was it the word "bitching" or the line in its entirety that you disliked?

Thank you for reading.

As always, I appreciate your comments.

[lew_1987]

Agreed. Looking at the rhymes now, they really are conspicuous. But I'll record it soon, I hope that will show that the strength of the flow will far outweigh any blatant rhyming.

Was it the word "bitching" or the line in its entirety that you disliked?

Thank you for reading.

As always, I appreciate your comments.

Mainly, yeah, but the rest of it as well.

Usually I don't like obvious rhymes, but in this piece it helped it to flow.