A Common Feeling I Can't Explain

[TK]

Something I wrote, finished, and edited a bit about an hour ago. I know it has weak parts, but I'm hoping it has a stronger feel to it than weak.


Place out a set of scales and measurements
Weigh amounts of insincerity and make note of it
The ounces seem more like pounds
How can you carry so much of it around?

Dot done a list of things I’d hope to accomplish
Number them by a matter of importance
Let all the details fill in between lines and spaces
While trying to erase the old words, periods, and faces

Give up, and crumble up another paper and sigh
Ask myself, so cliché, but why even try
Tossing coins in water for some good luck
I know spending cash won’t make me better off

Remove the post notes left on my bulletin board
All the advertisement for a happy life that I ignored
I don’t believe in this optimistic view or religious bullshit
Let's get realistic; I'm unhappy, there is no quick fix.

Count all the words I couldn't say that wasted my breath
Try to describe the feeling when all the warmth in me left
It is these constant clichés, that have shaped me day by day
It is these constant clichés, that have made me who I am.

[bootsydan]

Generally good, as usual.

Place out a set of scales and measurements
Weigh amounts of insincerity and make note of it
The ounces seem more like pounds
How can you carry so much of it around?

This is my least favourite verse, and I can't give a good reason why. I guess it's because of the over importance of it. And because I've never heard of sincerity being measured.

Dot done a list of things I’d hope to accomplish
Number them by a matter of importance
Let all the details fill in between lines and spaces
While trying to erase the old words, periods, and faces

First two lines are good. But the last two arn't so good. Well, the last line is OK. But the third lines is pure filler.

Give up, and crumble up another paper and sigh
Ask myself, so cliché, but why even try
Tossing coins in water for some good luck
I know spending cash won’t make me better off

First two lines are cringe worthy. It's very hard to write good lines about writing shit. 1) Cause no one really cares if your struggling to write. 2) Cause its been done so many times before. On the flip side, yes, I really do like the last two lines quite a lot.

Remove the post notes left on my bulletin board
All the advertisement for a happy life that I ignored
I don’t believe in this optimistic view or religious bullshit
Let's get realistic; I'm unhappy, there is no quick fix.

Good.

Count all the words I couldn't say that wasted my breath
Try to describe the feeling when all the warmth in me left
It is these constant clichés, that have shaped me day by day
It is these constant clichés, that have made me who I am.

First two lines weak. Last two lines at first I also thought were pretty weak, but I've come around to them. The only thing is you're rounding the piece up by saying your life is a cliche. But you haven't really said anything before that bit to make me think your life is a cliche.

For me this is pretty similar to your other stuff, in the way that I always seem to like half your lines but not all of them. In saying that though, the bits I didn't like weren't really bad. Just nothing amazing. Good work.

[lew_1987]

This was really good... I liked the 'abrupt' feel to it.

[TK]

Generally good, as usual.

Place out a set of scales and measurements
Weigh amounts of insincerity and make note of it
The ounces seem more like pounds
How can you carry so much of it around?

This is my least favourite verse, and I can't give a good reason why. I guess it's because of the over importance of it. And because I've never heard of sincerity being measured.

Dot done a list of things I’d hope to accomplish
Number them by a matter of importance
Let all the details fill in between lines and spaces
While trying to erase the old words, periods, and faces

First two lines are good. But the last two arn't so good. Well, the last line is OK. But the third lines is pure filler.

Give up, and crumble up another paper and sigh
Ask myself, so cliché, but why even try
Tossing coins in water for some good luck
I know spending cash won’t make me better off

First two lines are cringe worthy. It's very hard to write good lines about writing shit. 1) Cause no one really cares if your struggling to write. 2) Cause its been done so many times before. On the flip side, yes, I really do like the last two lines quite a lot.

Remove the post notes left on my bulletin board
All the advertisement for a happy life that I ignored
I don’t believe in this optimistic view or religious bullshit
Let's get realistic; I'm unhappy, there is no quick fix.

Good.

Count all the words I couldn't say that wasted my breath
Try to describe the feeling when all the warmth in me left
It is these constant clichés, that have shaped me day by day
It is these constant clichés, that have made me who I am.

First two lines weak. Last two lines at first I also thought were pretty weak, but I've come around to them. The only thing is you're rounding the piece up by saying your life is a cliche. But you haven't really said anything before that bit to make me think your life is a cliche.

For me this is pretty similar to your other stuff, in the way that I always seem to like half your lines but not all of them. In saying that though, the bits I didn't like weren't really bad. Just nothing amazing. Good work.

Thanks Tim for commenting, I always appreciate reading your criticism. And as for the Give up, and crumble up another paper and sigh, the line was referring to the previous stanza. It was written slightly misleading. And the previous two lines before "It is these constant cliches...", were cliches I was talking about, as well as just the general feel of this whole piece as being a cliche expressed feeling. Either way, I'm glad you enjoyed it more than you disliked it, thanks again.

This was really good... I liked the 'abrupt' feel to it.

Thanks for reading this Lew, I'm glad you liked it.

[TK]

Bump

[ShaneAnderson]

Generally good, as usual.

Place out a set of scales and measurements
Weigh amounts of insincerity and make note of it
The ounces seem more like pounds
How can you carry so much of it around?

This is my least favourite verse, and I can't give a good reason why. I guess it's because of the over importance of it. And because I've never heard of sincerity being measured.

I agree with Dan. Everything else was thoroughly enjoyable.