My lyrics- New to forum

[Clandestine™]

Hey guys. I'd appreciate it if you had some time to look at these and make improvements/provide feedback. Thanks :]

Verse 1
Cold eyes stare into the place where you used to live

Where are all the people, you did so much to give

You always were a lover of words

Someday you’ll right back

Verse 2
Life to you is a bold adventure

But to me it’s just a false misconception
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Verse 1
A hush sound is heard
In the empty gasping room
Your picture in the quietness
Starts to loom

Verse 2
you're only a mirror image from the inside
not like candles, a speck on my computer
I dont deserve to hear those tears
any more than you deserve to hear me

Verse 3
I want to know the story behind the shock in your eyes
your promises are to hard to sell, too alone to keep.
if this wasn't my only hope for anything it would all be over by now.
the coin has been tossed, but its still spinning,
we can still hope it lands on the side we want
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Verse 1
I heard the same of a clover crush boom
I heard the sound of a mushroom loom
run far, far from the cause.

Verse 2
I see a story coming in from the sea
I see a red light in the distance
I see your smile shining at my windows
and its all feeling closer, and closer.
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I'll collect forgotten money
*TBC*

[Clandestine™]

bump.

[fishingthe_sky]

Here's some of the more immediate things you should turn your attention to:

Verse 1
Cold eyes stare into the place where you used to live

Where are all the people, you did so much to give

You always were a lover of words

Someday you’ll write back

Verse 2
Life to you is a bold adventure

But to me it’s just a false misconception
- many things trouble me about this. First, it's a double negative; it needs to either be a false conception or a misconception. Second, life as a conception doesn't even make sense.
-----------------------------------------------------

Verse 2
you're only a mirror image from the inside
not like candles, a speck on my computer
I dont deserve to hear those tears
any more than you deserve to hear me
- I don't understand what you're trying to say with "a mirror image from the inside." The simile in the line that follows makes absolutely no sense. The last two lines don't clear up anything.


------------------------------------------------------
Verse 1
I heard the same of a clover crush boom
I heard the sound of a mushroom loom
run far, far from the cause.
- I'm sorry, but again, this makes absolutely no sense. "I heard the same of a clover crush boom"? What does that even mean? And how does looming make a sound? Unless you mean "weave" (which I don't think you do), it makes zero sense.

[Burn That Shit]

It was pretty good but it seemed like you were trying a little too hard to write your thoughts a certain way rather than naturally, for example:

I heard the same of a clover crush boom
I heard the sound of a mushroom loom

That really doesn't make any sense, to anyone, not even you. Don't try to trick people or be clever, just write stuff that you like.