A Tiny House

[a speedo model]

Something new. Lately, I've been focusing on writing ambient songs with piano and bells but no vocals, so lyrics haven't been a focus of mine. This just happened.


"A Tiny House"
Outside by the clock in the square
She skips tiles and twirls locks of her hair
But this city, it's trapped under my winter coat
This city never felt like it was home
When the stars turn on like lamps
She’s trying to warm up her hands
The winter turns both our lips blue

I did not hear the second train pass by
I wasn’t afraid of thinking out loud
And you followed every beat, humming a tune
With a scarf around you like a bow

Don’t peak a glance, keep hidden behind your hands
Socks dirty from the snow, eyes glittering from the cold

She’s writing poems about lakes
Turning soft skin into makeshift faith
In the belly of a city, all one-way streets and avenues
She cuts wings into every morning paper
And sets them loose

[TK]

This seemed much more like a poem to me than lyrics...

The first two lines I thought were weak. The first stanza overall isn't too strong, and is the weakest part in this in my opinion. Second stanza wasn't bad, I just really didn't get the connection between the first line and the others. I liked the third bit, and really liked the ending. Overall, I think it's decent/good, but I would work on improving the first stanza.

[cris545]

Uzi references? ;-)

[de la sympathie]

I don't know how I feel about most of the writing itself. But the imagery is just spectacular. I'll give it another read through sometime soon.

[a speedo model]

This seemed much more like a poem to me than lyrics...

The first two lines I thought were weak. The first stanza overall isn't too strong, and is the weakest part in this in my opinion. Second stanza wasn't bad, I just really didn't get the connection between the first line and the others. I liked the third bit, and really liked the ending. Overall, I think it's decent/good, but I would work on improving the first stanza.
I guess it is poetry actually, never thought of it as either just wrote it. haha

The first was actually written about a week after the rest, so it isn't as good. I've been trying to work on an intro stanza that I love completely.

Thanks for your feedback!
Uzi references? ;-)
:-) hahaha, where?!
I don't know how I feel about most of the writing itself. But the imagery is just spectacular. I'll give it another read through sometime soon.
Haha, thank you? :-) Glad you enjoyed it somewhat.

[cris545]

:-) hahaha, where?!
Ooooo you didn't even notice, he's in your heaaad. ;-) Haha, the title.

[ABCD4NN1]

i really like the last stanza

[ArTkY_]

The stanzas are fairly disconnected, is this purposeful or did you have trouble connecting them? They lead like separate thoughts, to me.

[a speedo model]

Ooooo you didn't even notice, he's in your heaaad. ;-) Haha, the title.
Haha, oops. I didn't actually notice...:unsure:
i really like the last stanza
Thank you.
The stanzas are fairly disconnected, is this purposeful or did you have trouble connecting them? They lead like separate thoughts, to me.
It wasn't that I set out to do so, but it was how I wrote it and I liked the way it seemed to jump from one thought to another.

[ArTkY_]

It wasn't that I set out to do so, but it was how I wrote it and I liked the way it seemed to jump from one thought to another.
Alright cool, because I loved that, haha.

[fishingthe_sky]

First stanza is fairly basic and wrought with overused imagery.

I like the surprising internal rhyme of "bow" with "snow." I wanted more of that after I read it.

I like the last image, but "every morning paper" is just poor grammar trying to excuse itself as clever phrasing. "Every morning's paper," now that's a different story.

[beau blood rush]

I really, really likes this.
One of my favorites i've read on the forum actually.

[lew_1987]

I too liked how it jumped thoughts in different sections. I would edit these three lines though:

With a scarf around you like a bow

Don’t peak a glance, keep hidden behind your hands
Socks dirty from the snow, eyes glittering from the cold

They didn't seem to 'carry' the piece enough... Other than that this was really good though. The ending was just... amazing.

[a speedo model]

Alright cool, because I loved that, haha.
:-) thanks man
First stanza is fairly basic and wrought with overused imagery.

I like the surprising internal rhyme of "bow" with "snow." I wanted more of that after I read it.

I like the last image, but "every morning paper" is just poor grammar trying to excuse itself as clever phrasing. "Every morning's paper," now that's a different story.
Thank you for your criticisms and feedback, it is always appreciated. Thanks.
I really, really likes this.
One of my favorites i've read on the forum actually.
Thank you very much,
I too liked how it jumped thoughts in different sections. I would edit these three lines though:

With a scarf around you like a bow

Don’t peak a glance, keep hidden behind your hands
Socks dirty from the snow, eyes glittering from the cold

They didn't seem to 'carry' the piece enough... Other than that this was really good though. The ending was just... amazing.
Thank you.

I like those edit suggestions, they help keep it moving and feel structured? haha. And thank you, the ending is my favorite.

[bootsydan]

Outside by the clock in the square
She skips tiles and twirls locks of her hair

Forgive me if I say this is a kind of cheesy introduction to a sentimental love song. But it is.

But this city, it's trapped under my winter coat
This city never felt like it was home

I hope its not just me, but I don't understand what the first line means at all. And if the second line is suppose to explain it, I don't feel that it does.

When the stars turn on like lamps
She’s trying to warm up her hands
The winter turns both our lips blue

This is more like the quality Josiah writing.

I did not hear the second train pass by
I wasn’t afraid of thinking out loud
And you followed every beat, humming a tune
With a scarf around you like a bow

Nice imagery, but I think overall with this piece the subject matter is not for me. Too sentimental.

Don’t peak a glance, keep hidden behind your hands
Socks dirty from the snow, eyes glittering from the cold

Good imagery.

She’s writing poems about lakes
Turning soft skin into makeshift faith
In the belly of a city, all one-way streets and avenues
She cuts wings into every morning paper
And sets them loose

Very good finish.

I disagree with everyone who said these verses don't relate. This is obviously a poem about a girl and town or city of some sort. That's pretty clear. What you're relationship with this girl is is a little less clear though.

Overall I don't think it was your best. But as I said, I'm not a huge fan of sentimentality, so you weren't writing this for people like me anyway.

Nice imagery.

[matt_rawlings]

Flawless imagery sir. With my lack of online availability these days due to lack of internet in my flat, you are always worth the time of day.

If I was in America, we'd start a sweet ambient guitar band

[a speedo model]

Outside by the clock in the square
She skips tiles and twirls locks of her hair

Forgive me if I say this is a kind of cheesy introduction to a sentimental love song. But it is.

But this city, it's trapped under my winter coat
This city never felt like it was home

I hope its not just me, but I don't understand what the first line means at all. And if the second line is suppose to explain it, I don't feel that it does.

When the stars turn on like lamps
She’s trying to warm up her hands
The winter turns both our lips blue

This is more like the quality Josiah writing.

I did not hear the second train pass by
I wasn’t afraid of thinking out loud
And you followed every beat, humming a tune
With a scarf around you like a bow

Nice imagery, but I think overall with this piece the subject matter is not for me. Too sentimental.

Don’t peak a glance, keep hidden behind your hands
Socks dirty from the snow, eyes glittering from the cold

Good imagery.

She’s writing poems about lakes
Turning soft skin into makeshift faith
In the belly of a city, all one-way streets and avenues
She cuts wings into every morning paper
And sets them loose

Very good finish.

I disagree with everyone who said these verses don't relate. This is obviously a poem about a girl and town or city of some sort. That's pretty clear. What you're relationship with this girl is is a little less clear though.

Overall I don't think it was your best. But as I said, I'm not a huge fan of sentimentality, so you weren't writing this for people like me anyway.

Nice imagery.
Thank you for your feedback. I love hearing your thoughts on all my work. I do agree with the two lines, I'm trying to work on a new intro, or rework it.

Great to see you around these parts.
Flawless imagery sir. With my lack of online availability these days due to lack of internet in my flat, you are always worth the time of day.

If I was in America, we'd start a sweet ambient guitar band
I love you, Matt, haha. Thank you, your opinion is always greatly respected.

That would be badass. You write the guitar, I write the ambient, haha.

[lew_1987]

This collaboration must happen. I don't care about logistics... it needs to happen.

[Ryzenfall]

I like this a lot. Also, it sets a mood for me. Poems that do that, i generally think of as effective.