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isayyouhesdead
10/27/08, 05:22 PM
purple drum stick
buy me a blow fish
sifting hour glass
sands of time
in the blue feeding on sharks
meanwhile razors leaving their marks
matches and fire waving through the air
though the gods don't have a care
only emotion we feel is fear
psychiatrists say the end is near.

tell me what you think.

fishingthe_sky
10/27/08, 07:11 PM
I get is a sense of urgency from the poem/lyrics, but I think it's meaning is entirely unclear. I'm really not sure where the drum stick fits in with it all, as it seems most out of place. The rest of the images seem disjointed other than some obvious contrasts (fire/water).

Some punctuation would help clear up your garbled images, for starters. "Meanwhile" and "though" are also getting in the way, as they're not serving good purposes as adverbs or conjunctions.

isayyouhesdead
10/29/08, 02:36 PM
thank you for the advice. constructive criticism is what i was looking for. thank you very much. :]