If i was given a nickel everytime i was given..

[beau blood rush]

cheap handshakes in the pews
&bad-habit's teaching old-friends new tricks
I'd be "drop-dead" rich.
but I'm still yr slightly off-center, rotting, rocking chair - keeping you off balance.
Another antique making his grandiose entrance on yr folks porch,
with a fistful of thorns - with which to draw love.
makes me wonder on where all those 'disregarded door-bells' call home?
- most likely somewhere on my street
where even the fallen leaves that gather like loose change at my feet,
call for second chances which they'll never receive.
because to be like me, is to be an empty bottle -
you'd only keep me as a reminder of a night you can't even remember.
hidden away from the mother's and father's that pretend they don't know you drink yourself to sleep.
"no-one knows you like i do" comes prior to picking you out of the room,
and heading to the well-used rooftops we're only the ghosts of loneliness congregate.
I'm "true-blue" but not in the way the term was intended to be used.
yr eyes are my noose,
but thankfully yr kiss is the blade that cuts through rope and saves my life.
and LOVE is the only word i know that can be broken down into a thousand, and still mean exactly the same thing - every single time.

[xidreamofyou32x]

I love this.

[intensified]

This is amazing. Like, seriously. I could read this piece over and over again and I wouldn't get bored of it. You're very creative with your word usage. Bravo for stealing my breath.

[lew_1987]

This was really good, but I'd like to see it broken up more effectively - in both line and verse breaks. I think it could use it.

[fishingthe_sky]

The title and first 3 lines seem completely disjointed from the rest of the piece. They do nothing for the rest of the piece, and I think it would be better without them.

Your diction and punctuation makes the piece confusing or awkward in places:
"Another antique making his grandiose entrance on yr folks porch"
-how does a rocking chair make an entrance? A person can make an entrance, but a rocking chair cannot. I understand the metaphor, but the action of the line (according to your pronoun-verb structure) is impossible. You need to either rethink the pronoun-verb agreement of the metaphor, or rewrite the second half so that it makes sense.

"with a fistful of thorns - with which to draw love."
-this is poorly structured and would read much better as "with a fistful of thorns to draw love." That being said, I'm not sure how I feel about "drawing love" as a replacement for drawing blood. It's a tad melodramatic.

"makes me wonder on where all those 'disregarded door-bells' call home?"
-there shouldn't be a "?" here, and I don't understand why there are quotations around disregarded doorbells. I even googled the phrase to see if it was an allusion to something else, but it's not, so there's no reason for them (this goes for all of the other quoted phrases, too). If you're quoting the object of the poem, then you need to indicate that these phrases are her's.

"where even the fallen leaves that gather like loose change at my feet,
call for second chances which they'll never receive."
-syntax is off here. "fallen leaves, gathering like loose change..." would fix it.

"because to be like me, is to be an empty bottle - "
-get rid of the comma

"you'd only keep me as a reminder of a night you can't even remember.
hidden away from the mother's and father's that pretend they don't know you drink yourself to sleep."
-first, you do not need apostrophes there. Second, I don't understand why there are plural mothers and fathers. The object is singular, yet here you're signaling for a plural object. One or the other must change in order for the line to make sense

"no-one knows you like i do" comes prior to picking you out of the room,
and heading to the well-used rooftops we're only the ghosts of loneliness congregate."
-no comma after room. The second half of the second line doesn't make sense, unless "we're" is supposed to be "where." "Congregate" is a verb, and having "where" in the line is the only way the line can grammatically make sense. If you're referring to the subject and object of the piece in "we're" then it needs to be "congregation." Even then, "we're only the ghosts of loneliness congregation" is still grammatically incorrect, as well as nonsensical. There has to be a "the" before "loneliness."
-In terms of the meaning of the line, the idea of loneliness would be better constructed into the line if it read "we're the only ghosts of the loneliness congregation"

"I'm "true-blue" but not in the way the term was intended to be used."
-again, not sure what the quotes are for. Also, this is incredibly vague, and without elaboration on its meaning, stands to be removed

"yr eyes are my noose,
but thankfully yr kiss is the blade that cuts through rope and saves my life.
and LOVE is the only word i know that can be broken down into a thousand, and still mean exactly the same thing - every single time."
-this gets pretty cliche and sentimental here, especially with the capitalization of love (definitely a poetic faux pas). This also turns the piece in a direction that doesn't make sense. The bulk of the piece is about a damaged or unrequited, yet all of a sudden this kiss comes in and you pour on the love sentimentality. There's no basis for it, and so the piece comes off as unbalanced.

Sorry for the extended critique. I'm not here simply to bust balls; I think that with some revision you could turn it into a decent work.

[beau blood rush]

just before i start off, i admit i've never been known for my skill with punctuation.
I'm horrible, and judging from yr response (that being from a fellow writer) it would probably be worth working on that a lot if i want to garner respect from yr type.
which i don't really (i write for people like the first to poster's who don't look at the analytical side)

but i will anyway, because it would be arrogant to think myself a good writer without any other writer's thinking the same.

to start off with, there is a full stop after the rocking chair line because the line finishes there, the second line starts something new, though loosely based on the line prior with the inclusion of "antique" the actual meaning off the line isn't inclusive with the one prior.

on yr second point, if this poem was anything more than a bulletin blog i just posted for my bands fans to read, I'd change it, but i have no use for this anymore, just thought, i'd post it here to see what you's think.
but i will pocket your advice to use next time i write something.
and i've never had a problem with being melodramatic, i like the metaphor

I don't know why i quoted disregarded door-bells that was stupid, i wrote this pretty late last night and I probably was trying to bring it out of the line, but that was stupid obviously.


with this next line if i did it again i would take your advice.

same again.


I'd get rid of the apostrophe's but i'd keep the plural, I like the hint that i'm not just talking to one person. I'd rather bend the rule's to bring the message across.

the next line it was mean't to be "where" my bad, that my head melting through again.


the qoutes are there because it's a term, but i don't think this is vague, there's only two possible meanings for it.
You wouldn't know because you're not Australian, but it means "really aussie"
the only other obvious meaning of the line though (which the line is reffering to) is "really blue"
"really sad" blah blah blah.

the last part with the LOVE line is hinting that this whole piece is actually about love, which in turn brings across the message that all the feelings of "unworthiness", "sadness", "jelousy" and etc..
are what make up love.

the two line's prior to that are giving hope to that message,
even though her eye's are my noose, her kiss saves my life. which is meaning that away from her she kills me, but being with her saves my life.

[lew_1987]

just before i start off, i admit i've never been known for my skill with punctuation.
I'm horrible, and judging from yr response (that being from a fellow writer) it would probably be worth working on that a lot if i want to garner respect from yr type.
which i don't really (i write for people like the first to poster's who don't look at the analytical side)

You should really work on your punctuation, spelling, and grammar though...

Most pieces that don't have proper spelling and grammar, I just skip. It just so happened that one of your pieces grabbed me initially and that's why I still read your pieces (and the fact you write some good pieces). Although correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation is not 100% necessary for here, it can improve a piece so much with just small changes. Even just capitalising the start of each new line (unless there's a specific reason not to) can have an effect. Effective punctuation can make parts of a piece so much more powerful.

Think of poetry as a girl (stick with me here)... now if you saw a girl at a bar, and she was the ugliest girl you have ever seen, and by a long shot... would you go up and talk to her? More than likely not. She might have the best personality on the planet, but it's that first impression that counts. Sorry for the bad analogy, but it proves my point.

[beau blood rush]

Haha lew, you don't even know me that well and yet you came up with the perfect analogy to grab my attention.

I will absolutely work on my punctuation and grammar.
cheers buddy.

[Indoor Living]

Think of poetry as a girl (stick with me here)... now if you saw a girl at a bar, and she was the ugliest girl you have ever seen, and by a long shot... would you go up and talk to her? More than likely not. She might have the best personality on the planet, but it's that first impression that counts. Sorry for the bad analogy, but it proves my point.

Best analogy ever. Love it. Haha. I totally see where you're coming from.

[lew_1987]

Haha lew, you don't even know me that well and yet you came up with the perfect analogy to grab my attention.

I will absolutely work on my punctuation and grammar.
cheers buddy.

Lol, no problem.

Best analogy ever. Love it. Haha. I totally see where you're coming from.

Thanks :-)

I wasn't sure if that analogy would work, but it seems that is has.

[Indoor Living]

Lol, no problem.



Thanks :-)

I wasn't sure if that analogy would work, but it seems that is has.


By the way, bomb-ass avatar as well.

[lew_1987]

By the way, bomb-ass avatar as well.

Ah, you recognise it?

[Indoor Living]

Ah, you recognise it?

Yes, I do. My uncle showed it to me a few years back. Obscure? Yes. Avatar-worthy? Also yes.

[lew_1987]

Yes, I do. My uncle showed it to me a few years back. Obscure? Yes. Avatar-worthy? Also yes.

Ah... then your uncle is awesome. One of my childhood friends owned it, and I used to love going to his house so I could spend hours playing on it. I'm really surprised that someone recognises it, but I love it so much that I've wanted it as an avatar for a long time. Plus points to you. I still play it on NES emulator every now again, haha.

[Indoor Living]

Ah... then your uncle is awesome. One of my childhood friends owned it, and I used to love going to his house so I could spend hours playing on it. I'm really surprised that someone recognises it, but I love it so much that I've wanted it as an avatar for a long time. Plus points to you. I still play it on NES emulator every now again, haha.

Emulators are the bomb. I actually found a mint NES at a pawn shop a few months back, and I've been playing classics since. I've been searching everywhere for that game, no lie, but I can't find it anywhere.

[lew_1987]

Emulators are the bomb. I actually found a mint NES at a pawn shop a few months back, and I've been playing classics since. I've been searching everywhere for that game, no lie, but I can't find it anywhere.

That's sad...

How about eBay?

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/KICKLE-CUBICLE-NES-NINTENDO-COMPLETE_W0QQitemZ230249546452QQcmd ZViewItem?hash=item230249546452&_trksid=p3286.m63.l1177

[Indoor Living]

That's sad...

How about eBay?

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/KICKLE-CUBICLE-NES-NINTENDO-COMPLETE_W0QQitemZ230249546452QQcmd ZViewItem?hash=item230249546452&_trksid=p3286.m63.l1177


Oh, totally! I'm gonna have to buy that.