Untitled

[intensified]

This is something I wrote about a week ago. I haven't touched it since as I am not sure what else to do with it. Let me know what you guys think.

Your weakness unfolds,
But, only to my heart of stone melting in the corner of this abandoned ship.
Yet, as I am lost at sea like a wish unspoken of,
My love still rots like the door to your apartment.
You never really took care of it,
And you never cared for me too much either.
But, hold strong to the fact that,
I'd crush every disc in my spine for another chance to see you fall.
You're standing too tall, son.
You're standing too tall.
Let me gently break your knees so I can finally meet your eye line.

[lew_1987]

This was really good, but I think that ship/sea references are a little overused now. I think that it makes it seem odd how it jumps to this for two lines and then returns to 'real' imagery. However, it was all done really well, and if you could maybe find some way to make the sea references more obscure, I would like it more. Good job.

[intensified]

This was really good, but I think that ship/sea references are a little overused now. I think that it makes it seem odd how it jumps to this for two lines and then returns to 'real' imagery. However, it was all done really well, and if you could maybe find some way to make the sea references more obscure, I would like it more. Good job.

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. I may try to fix it up and be more creative.

Thanks for reading.

[fishingthe_sky]

Your weakness unfolds,
But, only to my heart of stone melting in the corner of this abandoned ship.
Yet, as I am lost at sea like a wish unspoken of,
My love still rots like the door to your apartment.
-Your heart and love metaphors are disjointed. A "heart of stone melting" seems like you're softening to the subject (meaning, positive emotional feelings beginning to develop). Then you switch to rotting love imagery. Reconsider the first metaphor to make it fit with the rest of the poem.

"You never really took care of it,
And you never cared for me too much either."
-I think that the idea of taking care of a door is a little nonsensical. Perhaps this is a personal reference, but it's almost too personal to effectively convey your metaphor. Get rid of the "too" in the second line

"But, hold strong to the fact that,
I'd crush every disc in my spine for another chance to see you fall.
You're standing too tall, son.
You're standing too tall.
Let me gently break your knees so I can finally meet your eye line."
-Get rid of the commas in the first line. The imagery in the second (crushing spine) doesn't make sense with the rest of the poem. It's a self-sacrificial image that contradicts the violent imagery in the last line. The speaker does not seem like she would be willing to injure herself for the subject, especially since she's willing to injure him. I'm also not sure about the word "gently."

[leifstar]

But, hold strong to the fact that,
I'd crush every disc in my spine for another chance to see you fall.
You're standing too tall, son.
You're standing too tall.
Let me gently break your knees so I can finally meet your eye line.


I really enjoyed those lines. Well written.

[intensified]

Your weakness unfolds,
But, only to my heart of stone melting in the corner of this abandoned ship.
Yet, as I am lost at sea like a wish unspoken of,
My love still rots like the door to your apartment.
-Your heart and love metaphors are disjointed. A "heart of stone melting" seems like you're softening to the subject (meaning, positive emotional feelings beginning to develop). Then you switch to rotting love imagery. Reconsider the first metaphor to make it fit with the rest of the poem.

"You never really took care of it,
And you never cared for me too much either."
-I think that the idea of taking care of a door is a little nonsensical. Perhaps this is a personal reference, but it's almost too personal to effectively convey your metaphor. Get rid of the "too" in the second line

"But, hold strong to the fact that,
I'd crush every disc in my spine for another chance to see you fall.
You're standing too tall, son.
You're standing too tall.
Let me gently break your knees so I can finally meet your eye line."
-Get rid of the commas in the first line. The imagery in the second (crushing spine) doesn't make sense with the rest of the poem. It's a self-sacrificial image that contradicts the violent imagery in the last line. The speaker does not seem like she would be willing to injure herself for the subject, especially since she's willing to injure him. I'm also not sure about the word "gently."

Haha. Wow, man. It's nice to see people thoroughly reading poetry and getting more out of it than the norm. I like how deeply you looked into my piece. Thanks for commenting and I'll definitely consider several of the weaknesses you pointed out.

I really enjoyed those lines. Well written.

Thank you, sir.

[fishingthe_sky]

Haha. Wow, man. It's nice to see people thoroughly reading poetry and getting more out of it than the norm. I like how deeply you looked into my piece. Thanks for commenting and I'll definitely consider several of the weaknesses you pointed out.

np. it's what i'm in school for, so i'm always thinking in this manner when i read. glad you appreciate it!

[Johnith]

i like the whole thing it was a great choice of words

Yet there was one thing that got me

The flow like slowly changed

yet it kinda added the effect like as if you were on the abandoned ship

and it was swaying back and forth

I really enjoyed it