tattoo

[Decemberist]

listen in,
scrape the metal wear your fingers thin,
who doesn't die will still be reborn,
in a chicken coup in a listening booth in a baking pan in the kitchen stove.
mother told you to stop clapping your hands,
so would you please stop clapping your hands?
you heart seems to turn on and off as the applause meter demands.
you've been watching too much tv,
you've been eating too many sweets,
mother said to stop clapping your hands,
you'll wear your beautiful palms thin.
listen in,
you can hear the faint sound of happiness
in birthday halls in bathroom stalls in all that's left after the bombs fall.
who let you in the front door?
who invited you here anyways?
what's that tattoo on your arm say?
'when you're dead you're still not really dead'?

[fishingthe_sky]

I like it. A lot of the lines could use proper punctuation (mostly commas) which would make them easier to read, but it's still good.

I think my biggest criticism is that the image of bombs seems out of the scope of the rest of it, meaning it seems superfluous to the rest. It doesn't really add to or elaborate upon anything other than the happiness idea, but even then, it's not powerful enough that it's omission would hurt the piece. I understand that it helps the isocolon with the 4th line, but I think you could find another image that works more succinctly with the core of the piece.

[bootsydan]

This is good. I like it.

But I do agree with fishingthe_sky that the bomb line does seem out of place in terms of subject matter.