Madison

[stendhal]

Crashed deep, passenger seat
Scoring .08
Oh, able "edelweiss" keep my vices at bay.

We started static with socks
dragging our feet as we walked
waging war with fleets of neon blue dots.

Now we start static with talk
dragging friends half a block
to ice a newly placed shiner
and sober up at an all night coffee shop

They grew warm in haute couture
then sold at cost, costume jewelry
to the fold.

We were just kids
clinging to substance
then left for dead just as quick
to deal with our heavy heads
and sweaty fists

Crashed deep, haggard love seat, fit for a king
Oh, "edelweiss" keep my vices at bay

[fishingthe_sky]

I like "We started static with socks/dragging our feet as we walked" a lot; the anaphora in the stanza right after works well here.

I'm not so much a fan of "fleet of fleeting." Maybe it's just because it seems to be one of the hot lyrical trends right now, but it's dripping with cliche. "Cost, costume" is a little better.

[bootsydan]

I like this as well. I don't know what's going on - but I log into these forums and the first two new poems I read I like. That's very rare.

My only criticisms are this verse:

We were just kids
introduced to sin
then left for dead just as quick
to deal with our heavy heads
and angry fists

There's nothing to that. It's OK. But it's not amazing by any means at all. Doesn't say anything that hasn't been said a hundred times before.

And I too, did not like the fleets/fleeting line.

Otherwise this was good.

[stendhal]

I like "We started static with socks/dragging our feet as we walked" a lot; the anaphora in the stanza right after works well here.

I'm not so much a fan of "fleet of fleeting." Maybe it's just because it seems to be one of the hot lyrical trends right now, but it's dripping with cliche. "Cost, costume" is a little better.


thanks for reading, and your intelligent 2 cents.

I've changed the "fleeting" part. It didn't sit well with me either.

[stendhal]

I like this as well. I don't know what's going on - but I log into these forums and the first two new poems I read I like. That's very rare.

My only criticisms are this verse:

We were just kids
introduced to sin
then left for dead just as quick
to deal with our heavy heads
and angry fists

There's nothing to that. It's OK. But it's not amazing by any means at all. Doesn't say anything that hasn't been said a hundred times before.

And I too, did not like the fleets/fleeting line.

Otherwise this was good.

I made some minor changes (hopefully it's a bit better.)

You're right, that stanza isn't anything special, but I think it helps to bring the song to a close.

thanks for commenting!

[forgottendreams]

i like it. well done =D

"haggard love seat, fit for a king" i like this bit especially

[lew_1987]

As usual, this was good. The revision improved it as well.

[stendhal]

i like it. well done =D

"haggard love seat, fit for a king" i like this bit especially


thank you for your kind words.

[stendhal]

As usual, this was good. The revision improved it as well.


and as usual... thank you. 'preciate it lew.