The Dark Passenger

[WishResign56]

I found you when you were young
Side by side
Just like your passenger
Since then I rode the waves
Swelling and pushing against your seams
I was a controlled substance
Administered by dose
I was invisible
I was infinite
I have no face
Still, there is reflection
Anonymous and without skin
Yet I take your shape
I am your needs
Your thoughts
A thousand whispering voices
The only voice you long to hear
Never mention my name but I am there
I am invisible
I am infinite
You are my mask
I keep it from slipping
I am all you have
A controlled substance
Administered by dose
Now you choose when is right
Allow this true color to show
Feel alive tonight
I am invisible
I am infinite

I am the cause
Of your missing connection
You belong to me
And you won’t fight
I am the cause
Of your missing connection
You belong to me
You don’t want to fight

I want to dance with the demons
But this fiddler’s tune is far from over
I am invisible
I am infinite


Criticize this, let me know what can be changed..

[fishingthe_sky]

The repetition of "I am invisible/ I am infinite" really isn't doing it for me. It works the best the first time and each succession diminishes its meaning and potency; similarly, each succession seems more out of context.

The other thing that really stands out is punctuation. You desperately need some, though it's easy to see most lines are end stop. It would help the continuity and context of your images and metaphors, as well as help the flow.

[WishResign56]

thanks for the comment. When i usually write i never really use punctuation but I see what you are saying. I'm just looking for a lot of criticism, this is a song idea that has been floating around in my head for a while and it's more poetry right now. Thanks again!

[fishingthe_sky]

thanks for the comment. When i usually write i never really use punctuation but I see what you are saying. I'm just looking for a lot of criticism, this is a song idea that has been floating around in my head for a while and it's more poetry right now. Thanks again!
When I have more time I'll give you some more comments.

[WishResign56]

alrighty

[cris545]

eh, I don't know what to tell you about this honestly. It seems to lack imagery, and I'm not too keen on the words you're using (e.g. controlled substance, reflection without skin). The beginning doesn't really tie in with the rest (waves, seams, passengers). The only like I liked was 'I am the cause of your missing connection.'

[WishResign56]

Thanks for the comment, I have to say maybe if you knew what it was about and why I wrote it that way it would make more sense, but still it is for me to know and people to speculate haha. Yea i don't really like controlled substance either. I usually free write , it was the first thing to come to mind. But thanks again man. I really appreciate it.

[Smeee]

Its certainly an interesting read. I've been trying to work out the exact meaning/idea/plot behind it... If there is one, what is it haha? I find it a bit cryptic and don't wanna pass judgement without understanding.

[WishResign56]

Its certainly an interesting read. I've been trying to work out the exact meaning/idea/plot behind it... If there is one, what is it haha? I find it a bit cryptic and don't wanna pass judgement without understanding.

I don't really like giving away the direct meaning to any of my stuff as well as i don't enjoy other artists giving away the meaning to any of their work. It's all supposed to be for interpretation most of the time i believe. But I will give you a little insight. My friend and I are working on our first full length LP. Something a little less experimental and weird, more solid and definable and fluid. It takes place over four acts and the idea I had for lyrical substance was change. Personal change. Emotional change. Whatever it may end up being. But this one, the focus of the album, a person or whom ever, is being spoken to, not by another person, but something inside him. He has carried this "dark passenger" with him his whole life never knowing why it is there, and never being able to truly embrace it. At the album takes place at a point in his life where he finally confronts, understands, and learns from this part of him. That's about it haha.

[WishResign56]

oh and thank you for saying it is interesting, i appreciate that.