Time (2)

[patpratt]

I light one cigarette to confuse my head
so my burning lungs mask my broken heart
but that never works
so inside my chest is a sinking wreck now my stomach hurts
I shouldn't talk like that
I know I think too much
So my sappy songs drown out the happy ones
From much simpler times
Time itself is sacred
But were older now
There's no time for that

Link to song (http://www.mediafire.com/?ynmaztxnvkg)

[cris545]

I light one cigarette to confuse my head
so my burning lungs mask my broken heart -> words to avoid
but that never works
so inside my chest is a sinking wreck now my stomach hurts
I shouldn't talk like that
I know I think too much
So my sappy songs drown out the happy ones -> change these three lines, too direct, too cliché
From much simpler times
Time itself is sacred
But were older now
There's no time for that

Link to song (http://www.mediafire.com/?ynmaztxnvkg)
Much, much better than the other one, with some editing it could get somewhere.

[ArTkY_]

Work on being more obscure, you don't need to tell the reader everything up front.

[lew_1987]

Agree with the other two. This line:

so my burning lungs mask my broken heart

was really cringeworthy, two of the biggest clichés going. Keep trying.