currently untitled

[oldwirehands]

I have never posted in here. I haven't written poetry/lyrics in years and need some as much honest feedback as possible.

i'll wish for winter to come
so i could keep you warm
a promise i'll always keep
embedded in this simple beat

my dream of you in the snow
so delicate
so eloquent
so beautiful

my eyes are
frozen on you

close
covered perfect
warmth
the wait was worth it

i want you to be the one
reason i wish for winter to come

[cris545]

Overused imagery. Think about punctuation and how phrases stop and continue, this doesn't flow well. Keep writing though.

[lew_1987]

What she said. I liked the last two lines of the first 'verse' though.

[oldwirehands]

Okay, here's another shot at it haha.

i'll wish for winter to come
so i could keep you warm.
a promise i'll always keep,
embedded in this simple beat.
my dream of you in the snow
so delicate
so eloquent
so beautiful.

the array of sightly notes bursting
paints a picture of this i wrote:
though the sounds are merely motes,
sewn together they create my last hope.

we're close and covered perfect.
the warmth makes the wait always worth it.
its a warmth greater than the sun.
something greater than anyone.
i want you to be the one
reason i wish for winter to come.

The song itself isn't really structured traditionally at all. There is a verse, a chorus, and an interlude/second chorus. Thats the best way I could describe it haha. It really has only three parts that sorta build on each other. I posted an instrumental demo on my blog if anyone is curious.