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BJW7191
11/12/08, 12:56 AM
driving while it feels 20 below
streetlights pass stoplights change
i could have sworn this situation graced me before
the faces were different but the outcome the same
leaving me seasons older shivering and alone
with the exception of hallow glass and a drowned liver

and i couldnt breathe without hoping for it to be
an easy escape and an easy cop out
but then i inhale and i realise
this is gunna sting, but guess whos alive?

fishingthe_sky
11/12/08, 09:02 AM
This is a pretty murky piece. It's hard to judge what exactly is going on here. Your lines flow awkwardly from idea to idea.

You could use some punctuation. Your use of "hallow" is improper. Maybe you meant "hollow," but if not, you need to change it to "hallowed" so it's not a verb anymore. Even still, though, "hallowed glass" doesn't work here. Also, the last line is an abrupt and awkward end to the piece.