Something I wrote, but it's nothing complete

[bootsydan]

I didn't know if it was up to me
The same wind in my hair crossed the seven seas
It went from person to person and street to street to street

We drove into town with dust on the dash
Had an hour ahead and a pocket of cash
I wound down my window and looked into the past as we rolled

Thought don't know where I am, but I'll call it home for now

When I hit the ground I just find my feet
Change the station for a different beat
Yeah, the homeless man found a brand new street today

But sometimes the goods not all that it seems
Like the sold out show with an empty seat
Like the prize winning cow thats turned into meat
Like the athiest man that fell to his knees and prayed
He said make things better for me
For me
For me

And the children were out with their fathers to please
Said "Son walk in my shoes, but don't turn out like me"
I'm just a wise old man without his wisdom teeth

And the people are travelling from a to b
Who knows where they go? Or the life that they lead?
The next station they get off means nothing to me at all

...

It's definitely not complete. But I haven't posted anything in a while, and since this is as much as I've come up with in the past forever, I thought I'd post it.

Hope the rhyming didn't kill you.

EDIT: I'm going to try and find a way for this line to make it in as well:

When the weather gets cold, we just turn on the heat

[lew_1987]

This seemed really cheap, sorry. I expected better from you, man.

[bootsydan]

This seemed really cheap, sorry. I expected better from you, man.

Thanks for reading. What do you mean by 'cheap'?

[lew_1987]

To be honest it seems like you were trying to fill an empty song with meaning. There were a couple of decent lines though.

[TK]

I agree with Lew. I'll leave a detailed comment later tonight if I can.

[bootsydan]

To be honest it seems like you were trying to fill an empty song with meaning. There were a couple of decent lines though.

You're exactly right.

I came up with a song on guitar and had a melody for it, and managed to write a handful of lines that I liked, but had no idea how to turn those lyrics into a coherent song or what the song should even be about. So I just whipped up some lines to try and make it all piece together. Clearly didn't work.

I haven't been able to write anything good in a long time. Or even write much in a long time. I feel like I have nothing to say or nothing that is worth writing about.

[bootsydan]

I agree with Lew. I'll leave a detailed comment later tonight if I can.

Cool I'd appreciate it.

[lew_1987]

You're exactly right.

I came up with a song on guitar and had a melody for it, and managed to write a handful of lines that I liked, but had no idea how to turn those lyrics into a coherent song or what the song should even be about. So I just whipped up some lines to try and make it all piece together. Clearly didn't work.

I haven't been able to write anything good in a long time. Or even write much in a long time. I feel like I have nothing to say or nothing that is worth writing about.

I know what you mean. I do the exact same thing sometimes, and it either doesn't work at all or I have to change the lyrics completely. If you've got the melody and everything, just keep trying to improve the lyrics.

[matt_rawlings]

Didn't like this at all, it just had no meat and bones to it.

[TK]

I didn't know if it was up to me
The same wind in my hair crossed the seven seas
It went from person to person and street to street to street


I don't know, I don't want to be rude, but this seemed like a joke. For as much as you criticize in other people's writings, I thought you would be able to do the same with your writing. Maybe it's just me, but I like a sense of a stanza being connected somehow, and not just random lines. The first line seemed just throw in there, and the last two, I'm sorry, but were really weak.


We drove into town with dust on the dash
Had an hour ahead and a pocket of cash
I wound down my window and looked into the past as we rolled


Unoriginal. The first two were fine, but the third line was awkward. Although like I said, this was nothing new.


Thought don't know where I am, but I'll call it home for now


Again, awkward. I think it would be better "I don't know where I am, but...". Although, like the previous stanza, it's nothing new and doesn't bring anything to it that separates it. But I can relate to this, so kudos for that.


When I hit the ground I just find my feet
Change the station for a different beat
Yeah, the homeless man found a brand new street today


Just didn't like this.


But sometimes the goods not all that it seems
Like the sold out show with an empty seat
Like the prize winning cow thats turned into meat
Like the athiest man that fell to his knees and prayed
He said make things better for me
For me
For me


First two lines were good, the third line was shit(imo), and the rest seemed unneeded.


And the children were out with their fathers to please
Said "Son walk in my shoes, but don't turn out like me"
I'm just a wise old man without his wisdom teeth


Again, the first two lines were fine. I actually really liked the second one. But the last line seems completely unneeded, and the rhyme was bad.


And the people are travelling from a to b
Who knows where they go? Or the life that they lead?
The next station they get off means nothing to me at all


Okay. Wasn't bad, I liked the thought behind it. Definitely a nice way to end it though.

...

It's definitely not complete. But I haven't posted anything in a while, and since this is as much as I've come up with in the past forever, I thought I'd post it.

Hope the rhyming didn't kill you.

EDIT: I'm going to try and find a way for this line to make it in as well:

When the weather gets cold, we just turn on the heat

I hope I didn't come off as overly harsh. I think you should use your own advice, because I feel as if this was posted by someone else, you would easily be able to point out what needs to be cut and fixed and what should be kept. Though, it's always good be writing, just keep it up and I'm sure you'll get back on track.

[nkalldayyy]

i really liked your ideas and i thought that they were really creative but i think what's hurting it was the way you worded it. i feel like if you worded it differently but used the same concepts it would be a much more successful piece. i enjoyed reading it. : )

[bootsydan]

I don't know, I don't want to be rude, but this seemed like a joke. For as much as you criticize in other people's writings, I thought you would be able to do the same with your writing. Maybe it's just me, but I like a sense of a stanza being connected somehow, and not just random lines. The first line seemed just throw in there, and the last two, I'm sorry, but were really weak.

Honestly, the only reason the first line is there because every time I played the song when I had no lyrics that was always the first line I sung. It just seemed natural. But then I didn't know what to put after that - and like you say - what I came up with doesn't really tie in with anything else in the poem. I actually don't mind the last two lines - but in the context of how I wrote them they are rubbish.

Unoriginal. The first two were fine, but the third line was awkward. Although like I said, this was nothing new.

I really like the first line, not sure why. It's something I've kept trying to throw in to every new thing I write - but I just can't get it to fit. The last two lines are pure filler.

Again, awkward. I think it would be better "I don't know where I am, but...". Although, like the previous stanza, it's nothing new and doesn't bring anything to it that separates it. But I can relate to this, so kudos for that.

Just a spur of the moment line that is actually dishonest, cause I've never really felt what I said. Which is bad on my behalf.

Just didn't like this.

I came up with the 2nd two lines in a completely unrelated way, but cause I was going to post this here I just threw in a (bad) first line to try and make the next two make sense. But it just makes it bad. I still don't mind the last line - but wrong context here.

First two lines were good, the third line was shit(imo), and the rest seemed unneeded.

Again, the first line I just threw in there to try and make three completely unrelated lines I came up with make sense. I like the 2nd and 4th - but again, the context I wrote it in is just amateur.

Again, the first two lines were fine. I actually really liked the second one. But the last line seems completely unneeded, and the rhyme was bad.

This is one I actually like as a whole too. And actually i came up with the last line first. So although 'teeth' might read as a bad rhyme it really isn't (imo). Maybe if the stanzas before this were good it might help. But I particularly like the last line.

Okay. Wasn't bad, I liked the thought behind it. Definitely a nice way to end it though.

I like this one. But it lacks any sort of depth/power because the lead up to it is below average. A good lead up would help this.

...


I hope I didn't come off as overly harsh. I think you should use your own advice, because I feel as if this was posted by someone else, you would easily be able to point out what needs to be cut and fixed and what should be kept. Though, it's always good be writing, just keep it up and I'm sure you'll get back on track.

Thanks for the critique.

I knew this was bad as a whole, and there was a lot of filler. The only reason I posted this at all was cos I was just sick of just commenting on others with nothing to post for myself. And I thought that I'd at least get some encouragement for the lines in there that I liked. But not even the lines I feel are good came off well, so that was pretty stupid.

I just don't know what to write about these days.

[bootsydan]

Didn't like this at all, it just had no meat and bones to it.

Cheers Matt, you're right. Thanks for reading/commenting

i really liked your ideas and i thought that they were really creative but i think what's hurting it was the way you worded it. i feel like if you worded it differently but used the same concepts it would be a much more successful piece. i enjoyed reading it. : )

Thanks