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nkalldayyy
11/13/08, 11:27 AM
These grays and greens are loosely seamed
and for the snow the reds have shed their mean
tilt our heads back low and lay our dead weight to rest
Your symphony fails to dull down
and since that night
I'm haunted by your listless sound
that has remained to pound in my chest
My teeth and tongue have grown weak and wasted
and have left me dehydrated
of words and of the color in my face
phrases are only empty space
from here on out
Our spines have been twisted
and these days have been shifted
but will only hold in photographs
oh how we all only live in the past
Your ears are dripping serotonin
and my hair is catching in the fan
that's spinning it's glass petals inside my hand
Tonight these posies will lay us down
over flattened grass we will sleep sound
so pale and far from light pollution
to this earth youth remains our contribution
we lay in the soil that soon our bones will enrich
as of now let us dig this ditch
bury ourselves in the ground
so they can't take the love we've found
I can see the world forever but with your eyes
darling, I need not another blue sky

xdudeirulex
11/20/08, 03:04 PM
Pretty Cool.

nkalldayyy
11/20/08, 08:33 PM
Pretty Cool.
thanks :D

cris545
11/20/08, 09:12 PM
I didn't like this. The structure is iffy, the rhymes make everything lose meaning and don't work well when used. The imagery seems pretentious and like you're trying too hard, I feel like I've read this same thing countless times. Sorry.

nkalldayyy
11/21/08, 12:33 AM
I didn't like this. The structure is iffy, the rhymes make everything lose meaning and don't work well when used. The imagery seems pretentious and like you're trying too hard, I feel like I've read this same thing countless times. Sorry.
i disagree and don't quite understand what you mean by "trying to hard", but thank you for you're input i suppose.

Ryzenfall
11/21/08, 12:42 AM
tilt our heads back low and lay our dead weight to rest

phrases are only empty space
from here on out
Our spines have been twisted
and these days have been shifted
but will only hold in photographs



I like these lines a lot.

nkalldayyy
11/21/08, 12:45 AM
I like these lines a lot.
thanks for your insight!
the last line you quoted is actually my favorite too, thanks for reading : )