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LostPuppy
11/15/08, 07:06 PM
How can I fix this?
"An October ruin read the thoughts of today.
The passion made men shine in layers of gray.
We rode with our scriptures dissecting the wills.
One tried the others, those strangers in mind.
Given and giving births to the sacrilege.
Never to learn of proper Western sin.
Never could good lay in such kin.
So it's embed upon us to pry.

Where can we seek pride?
Or remnants, at best, softly exclaimed in our official lullaby.
A propagandic prayer sung in the dawnings never came.
They mask in the territories not yet conquered, so they say.
Sublime whispers make fierce their theories for the age.

Is it a boom? it a bang?
Words pronounced in different tones
Share an equal equation of the known.
What truth is but an average drone.
Mothers shiver from the sour waters
That our newly decorated kin are hollow.
"Who's right mind called for this in our most fragile of time!?"
Right? Who's right?
It is the measure of distance that retired questions of crime.

Be it released
Every dollar for the deceased.
Education only lies
Profit comes in ammo lines.
Selling what you despise.
Tuition is offered by the revolution jeeps
Slaughters of breeds paying for your fees.
This burnt canyon carries fumes of sparkling D's.

In the new country esteemed.
Ramparts will gleam, given red interface.
Dictators trace their indexes at "blood thirsty" youth.
A hunger inside grew
Tapeworms had made home in the land of boar.
It is this solitude that deludes.
Trapped in makeshift altitudes.

Once we were free to love you see,
now it's the cream just to write without being seen.
My warm heart echoed from an abyss.
Hearing their sadistic cries transformed into a bliss.
This heart beats now with only a chill.
Faltered out by these scenes of a three dollar thrill.

Ovals scattered 'cross the continent, eggs dropped all 'round.
Nests were torn, the terrain made not a sound.
Culture exclaimed through it's neon rave
"Who's but not afraid? Purchase a golden faith! Seek the newer race!"
We're taken in, the national way.
It is only corruption that cares.
It is absence of such that saves.

Television'd ideas calm dire confusion.
Though wired antennas now spew a higher power's intrusion.
"Choose me in time!"
I agree with you but not your attitude.
"Make me your rhyme!"
I agree with you, but I'm afraid you'll have to lose.
"Misery calms lives!"
I've seen this played and prefer much to refuse.

Though the thought is a bell
It cannot chime in such a hell.
Utter sounds cause only utter fate.
Refuge now is an empty plate.

Yellow light fever on the interstate.
So stubborn it seems they'd never interpose.
Yet even in this cautious day, clashes concur at an adverse rate.
Dare they say it will be safe.
So ably aware that the reverse shall be proper fate.

If the narratives spoke out
I'm afraid they forgot to shout.
You're a hawk and that's fine
But remember a rapture in the clouds is still pierced by the shine
Yes, that Sun, though far
Wreaks havok as a singular star
And minced may it be our atmosphere
The heel is found too late in this fumbled retreat.
No stalemate, just death
Be subtle, not sweet.

I'm a rat who scours to find a home without billows.
There's a god and he cries in hysterics gracefully.
At our novice tribes. So young, so frail.
So patriotic, so fail.
Together they shout
A conch shattered and passed about.

One blasted speaker in a urinal room.
Pissing that it's era has come.
So ironic it seemed from where I stood.
From that public restroom I'd hear such news.

October's appearance pieced fragments of doom.
Leopard skin fathers waited to bloom.
Dices of six and odds ill-fated.
Bursted, a colonial head.
Assassin of fortune
The fortune, empire lead.

In days that pass
If grace could last
Though articles ensue
A torture is due
An offer is made
Nothing is paid
If grace were here
If we could kneel
If they just did
Well heaven forbid
The best be made
To make this day
To see it fit
Not take the hit

I see these trains
Switches gone berserk
Calculations are slain
We have done the work
And to end this year
A heightened note
At least they slid
Into a solemn choke."

I'm looking to make sense of it.

Why Bother?
11/15/08, 07:09 PM
Add "anal" to the end of every line.

LostPuppy
11/15/08, 07:11 PM
Brilliant! Thanks.

Smash Adams
11/15/08, 07:12 PM
you write well but I don't see the connection between the phrases

LostPuppy
11/15/08, 07:16 PM
That's what I was hoping to fix without skimming too much.
I just can't get a fix on how.

Scott Irvine
11/15/08, 07:31 PM
That's what I was hoping to fix without skimming too much.
I just can't get a fix on how.

If this is truly from your pen, then I'm very impressed. The average sixteen year old does not write this well.

Find the overall meaning in the poem (hopefully you know of it) and if you see any glares, fix them. You've done the hard work, the rest is easy.

A few lines stuck out as not working.

Never could good lay in such kin.

Doesn't make much sense.

This burnt canyon carries fumes of sparkling D's.

What are "D's"?

I'm sure I could find more, but those stuck out.

BTW...I read your profile...you like V.? That's one of my all-time favorite books.

LostPuppy
11/15/08, 07:38 PM
If this is truly from your pen, then I'm very impressed. The average sixteen year old does not write this well.

What are "D's"?

I'm sure I could find more, but those stuck out.

BTW...I read your profile...you like V.? That's one of my all-time favorite books.
Thank you so much.
D's are specifically diamonds. I really hate being too specific on things though.

And Pynchon's writing is my biggest inspiration. Truly amazing.
I prefer Gravity's Rainbow but V. is just a bit more sensible.

TheBaroness
11/15/08, 07:46 PM
this is very good, it's quite shocking to learn you're only 16

unfortunately, I know nothing about poetry so I can't really offer any assistance

Scott Irvine
11/15/08, 07:47 PM
Thank you so much.
D's are specifically diamonds. I really hate being too specific on things though.

And Pynchon's writing is my biggest inspiration. Truly amazing.
I prefer Gravity's Rainbow but V. just makes more sense.

I would probably say diamonds, but if you don't feel up to it then find something of equal value. "D's" doesn't really work.

Also this line:

So patriotic, so fail.
This automatically brings to mind those "FAIL" pictures, so that is not a good thing. If it brings to mind slang, then it won't fit in with the rest of your poem.

Pynchon is my current binge. I knocked off V. first with a lot of excitement, still love the book. Started Gravity's Rainbow, got exhausted and stopped reading it. I read some other books then picked up Crying of Lot 49, which I thought was only pretty good. Bought Vineland the other day, figured I'd work on it before I started Gravity's Rainbow again.

LostPuppy
11/15/08, 07:53 PM
I dug the fail thing to sum things up in a modern slang.
Like how simply "fail" just does that.

Also to add some sarcasm

Scott Irvine
11/15/08, 07:57 PM
I dug the fail thing to sum things up in a modern slang.
Like how simply "fail" just does that.

Also to add some sarcasm

Yeah, it works on that level but I think it clashes with the rest of that stanza. It's nice juxtaposed to 'patriotic', I like that commentary, but I'm not feeling it. You have the ultimate say, I'm just throwing out some opinions.

Scott Irvine
11/15/08, 07:58 PM
This too:

Your a hawk and that's fine

Typo.

LostPuppy
11/16/08, 02:38 PM
Fixed

Alright I added two more stanzas to the end. Good, better?

carcrashofahart
11/16/08, 03:38 PM
less is more.

_jonas
11/16/08, 06:30 PM
I don't know. The fluency in the second to last stanza is superb imo.
The last seems a fitting conclusion.

ArTkY_
11/16/08, 06:39 PM
Line breaks. Make your line breaks say more than they do, they don't say anything right now. And as an intelligent woman earlier stated, less is more.