love is rigged and i'm just another sucker

[caperucita.2x]

Just a mess waiting to be cleaned up
a stain on uniform, tiled floors
janitor's on strike and the sewage keeps on running
I wish you'd pick me up one more time

but your wheels are locked on the scenic route
to freckles and untouched sheets
thanks for the penny tosses,
but i'll always get a floater
games are rigged from the start

I'll keep the loose change and
get on a bus racing towards
my last stop with no transfers
you should have let nature take it's toll on me
rather than challenge misery

it's on a high fueled by my own arsenal,
the pages of faults are love's first tries
if only disdain came first
i'd be happier alone than risk it all

i'm sick from the varied pitfalls of you
that i've created with whispers in the dark
my sins can't be bleached out of my sleeve

wishing you what's left of my last breath,
simply put- our last hello and goodbye
before you expunge my memory in your sleep
because love always fails for the unworthy.

[beau blood rush]

fuck yeh, i love this.

[lew_1987]

There were some pretty interesting ideas here, but I'd like to see it tie together to create more of a cohesive piece. I like how each stanza moved the piece on, but at points it almost seemed as if you wrote each bit days apart and then just decided to stick them together. Good try though, I'd like to read more of your work.

[fishingthe_sky]

I also agree that it's lacking some cohesion in its conceit. The second stanza suffers the worst of it, but it's not something uncorrectable. You have nice pacing, and at times there is good use of internal rhyme.

[itbeats11408]

this is reallyy good.

you should have let nature take it's toll on me
rather than challenge misery

^^thats my favorite part:)

[msdelaney]

I really, really like this. I agree on the cohesion bit, but a lot of my work tends to lack it as well, so who's to judge? Kudos.