Lament

[Alex Djaferis]

Hi. Not posted a poem/lyric here in months, maybe years. I dont remember. Anyways. Wrote this tonight and wanted to share it.


We walk our own ways, parted from each others hands.
We are blind to faith, bound instead in warning signs.
Brothers left behind; Sisters forgotten in their plight,
Oh how has it come to this…

Please accept that this is not the time
To lay low, to hold our tongues
So when you see the sky fall into your eyes
Stand and face the fire

We run around for days, separated from the ground.
We sit on regrets, paying no heed to our mistakes.
Fathers left in shame; Mothers laden with pain,
Oh why do we allow this…

Look back and lament, move forward in grace.

[ArTkY_]

If this is a poem, then fix where you break your lines, clever line breaks usually make a poem a hundred times better. I like the theme of two's you have going in each line, in the third stanza

We run around for days, separated from the ground.
We sit on regrets, paying no heed to our mistakes.
Fathers left in shame; Mothers laden with pain,

That's very nice. The ending line is good. The Oh why do we allow this…, is weak, IMO. I don't think you need that. Cut it. Same with the Oh how has it come to this… It just makes the piece seem very cliche and causes the stanzas to drag at the end.

[Alex Djaferis]

Cool, thanks Tariq.

[lew_1987]

This is the best piece I've read by you, Alex. Some really good lines in there that give strong images/ideas. Lines I didn't like:

Brothers left behind; Sisters forgotten in their plight,
Oh how has it come to this…

So when you see the sky fall into your eyes
Stand and face the fire

Fathers left in shame; Mothers laden with pain,
Oh why do we allow this…

Those seemed a little lackluster sitting with the other lines.