Bullets from Rain

[Ryzenfall]

This one's a little older...


Here all these wooden days
Are going up in flames;
My lighting matches is no faster than it all decays.
Even cold metal hours
At a page counting towers
Will crumble to rust clinging as it devours.
Every clock is on a train
Making bullets from rain
Stealing ahead into unknown terrain
Make this stop / Hurry quickly please.
Minute hands concoct me a bi-polar disease.
I’m hearing hurricanes what happened to the breeze?
Theories are of no use.
Betwixt front and caboose.
The raucous animal boxcars are all shaking loose.
Couplers and breaks, accepting their fails!
The locomotive soars into an ocean of rails.
And I’m left in this lone car to find my own trails.
Crash
Tick
Tick
Tick…




-------
a.f.i.a.

[Ryzenfall]

...tick...

[The Personist]

Tick tick tick tick BOOM.

/The Hives


Quote me and remind me and I will give this a gander.

[Ryzenfall]

Tick tick tick tick BOOM.

/The Hives


Quote me and remind me and I will give this a gander.

Quoted.

/damnyouformakingmehookedondoing/t/h/e/s/l/a/s/h/

[fishingthe_sky]

Here all these wooden days
Are going up in flames;
My lighting matches is no faster than it all decays.
The first two lines are pretty simple and plain, though I think "wooden days" could go somewhere interesting if they weren't tied to being lit on fire. The third line doesn't make sense grammatically.

Even cold metal hours
At a page counting towers
Will crumble to rust clinging as it devours.
I'm struggling to figure out what the second line means, and I also am unsure of what the "it" here is. Very unclear segment.

Every clock is on a train
Making bullets from rain
Stealing ahead into unknown terrain
Make this stop / Hurry quickly please.
Minute hands concoct me a bi-polar disease.
I’m hearing hurricanes what happened to the breeze?
The / in the fourth line here makes it clear to me that you're really trying to yolk this three line rhyme scheme into working, and at these points it's not. This is one of the major things I find in a lot of your work: you want to work with rhyme schemes, but I find that you try to work your lines too hard into a particular pattern. They don't flow naturally, don't breathe as they should, and get lost in themselves. My suggestion would be to try writing without focusing on rhymes. If they come about naturally, that's fine, but just focus on letting the lines write themselves how they want to be written.

Theories are of no use.
Betwixt front and caboose.
Ugh, "betwixt" sounds pseudo-poetic, and coupled with "caboose" ends up sounding silly.

The raucous animal boxcars are all shaking loose.
Couplers and breaks, accepting their fails!
The locomotive soars into an ocean of rails.
And I’m left in this lone car to find my own trails.
Crash
Tick
Tick
Tick…
This last bit just doesn't work, which isn't a fault of your usage, but of the fact that these sort of conventions rarely work in general.

I'm sorry to say, but this is my least favorite thing from you. The rhyme scheme just feels contrived and gets the best of whatever else you might working here.

[Ryzenfall]

Here all these wooden days
Are going up in flames;
My lighting matches is no faster than it all decays.
The first two lines are pretty simple and plain, though I think "wooden days" could go somewhere interesting if they weren't tied to being lit on fire. The third line doesn't make sense grammatically.

Even cold metal hours
At a page counting towers
Will crumble to rust clinging as it devours.
I'm struggling to figure out what the second line means, and I also am unsure of what the "it" here is. Very unclear segment.

Every clock is on a train
Making bullets from rain
Stealing ahead into unknown terrain
Make this stop / Hurry quickly please.
Minute hands concoct me a bi-polar disease.
I’m hearing hurricanes what happened to the breeze?
The / in the fourth line here makes it clear to me that you're really trying to yolk this three line rhyme scheme into working, and at these points it's not. This is one of the major things I find in a lot of your work: you want to work with rhyme schemes, but I find that you try to work your lines too hard into a particular pattern. They don't flow naturally, don't breathe as they should, and get lost in themselves. My suggestion would be to try writing without focusing on rhymes. If they come about naturally, that's fine, but just focus on letting the lines write themselves how they want to be written.

Theories are of no use.
Betwixt front and caboose.
Ugh, "betwixt" sounds pseudo-poetic, and coupled with "caboose" ends up sounding silly.

The raucous animal boxcars are all shaking loose.
Couplers and breaks, accepting their fails!
The locomotive soars into an ocean of rails.
And I’m left in this lone car to find my own trails.
Crash
Tick
Tick
Tick…
This last bit just doesn't work, which isn't a fault of your usage, but of the fact that these sort of conventions rarely work in general.

I'm sorry to say, but this is my least favorite thing from you. The rhyme scheme just feels contrived and gets the best of whatever else you might working here.


Thanks for the feedback. I'll see if this ancient piece can be salvaged. And I've started writing mostly without rhymes as of late, so maybe you'll be able to finally read something of mine that wasn't written in a corset.