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View Full Version : If I Could, I Would(The Words That Define My Life)

TK
11/24/08, 02:22 PM
I tried writing something in a different style, I hope it was done okay.

If I could, I would
spend my years traveling,
all for the sake of moving,
and never being at a still.
I would not be anchored
to a single place or person.
I would
only be attached
to what I haven't done or haven't seen.
But I do not have the resources,
nor do I have the means.
So I will, I will
spend my whole life wondering,
"How things could have been"
But I will.
Move as much as I can.
But I will.
Try to see everything in between
My home and what could have been waiting for me.
But it will, it will
always feel incomplete.
Like a first seeing of a movie,
I'll know I missed out
on some small details my glasses couldn't see
or went to the restroom during a great scene
and no matter how many times
I'll see it again,
I know it won't be as great
as it could have been.

If I could, I would
write out all of your lines,
and all of your scenes.
I would write out your whole part in my life
and everything that you could ever mean.
I would make it as if,
you never were screened,
I would make it as if,
you never rehearsed a word.
I would, I would, I would.
If I had the executive powers,
instead of just a unfinished script
I'd replace you with a mediocre actor
that fits with my low budget.

If I could, I would
dissemble this whole park
that keeps attracting
more and more people
that never leave.
If I could, I would
but I do not have the heart
to tell them how great
their disappointment will be
after waiting in those endless lines
for some over hyped ride.
Sure,
this carousel spins
with different types of horses.
each with their own faces and colors.
They're all different,
But they're all still going in circles.
cris545
11/24/08, 03:24 PM
I liked some parts of this but wasn't convinced at the others. I think you need to fine tune the repetitions, especially at the beginning - the ''I will's''. Other than that, I really liked the ending/carousel part, but the rest was sort of bland for me, the whole movie/actor thing has been done many times before so you need to be careful with it.
TK
11/25/08, 03:19 PM
I liked some parts of this but wasn't convinced at the others. I think you need to fine tune the repetitions, especially at the beginning - the ''I will's''. Other than that, I really liked the ending/carousel part, but the rest was sort of bland for me, the whole movie/actor thing has been done many times before so you need to be careful with it.

That will be something I will definitely be doing. It was written was hasty, so I know some parts need to be revised. The movie/actor stanza I was worried about the beginning, not so much the end. Were you referring to the whole stanza, or just the end part? And thank you, I'm glad I ended on a positive note.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.
lew_1987
11/26/08, 01:57 AM
I liked the change of style, but I wouldn't like it as much if you wrote like this all the time.

I really loved the meaning behind the bit about the cinema (end of first section), but I think that needs re-wording very slightly. I would get rid of the second bit completely, and replace it with something else which still allows it to link to the final section. Good job on this though, there was some really good stuff in here.
UnderBlackFlag
11/29/08, 11:49 AM
I like the direction the song has, i especially liked the part about cinema and i think this is a good style for it
cris545
11/29/08, 12:16 PM
That will be something I will definitely be doing. It was written was hasty, so I know some parts need to be revised. The movie/actor stanza I was worried about the beginning, not so much the end. Were you referring to the whole stanza, or just the end part? And thank you, I'm glad I ended on a positive note.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.

I was referring to the beginning of the second stanza, it got better as you progressed, but the beginning ways you used screening and rehearsing seemed a bit too overdone to me (except for the lines ''I would write out your whole part in my life/and everything that could ever mean'').
Sorry it took me a while to respond, I was visiting a cousin in the city.