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View Full Version : The Forget-Me-Nots That Killed a Dove

xforestxwaitsx
05/06/05, 02:03 PM
Forget-me-nots,
the color of those startling eyes.
The first and only things I noticed,
the reminder that I have come to despise.

Those eyes decieved me.
For in them I thought I found true love
You were the one who set it free,
the creature that killed the dove.

The dove was me,
white and pure before you came along.
The creature was you,
who killed its song.

Never forgetting those eyes,
the ones that watched me go.
Visions in which the time did fly,
and the seeds of love we sewed.

Changes came to quickly.
You never were the same.
The words that expelled and spread so thickly,
the ones that our love it stained.

Pity will be all I feel one day,
instead of this dull ache.
I left you, and there to sulk alone.
And I was unafraid.


This is definetly not one of my best works but please give me feed-back! I need to know what I'm doing wrong. :huh:
apoemtothedead
05/06/05, 04:13 PM
...and the morning dove gets caught in the telephone wire.
IAmCountryMusic
05/06/05, 04:21 PM
dove chocolate is pretty good but i cant have very much because im still on a diet
merv the perv
05/06/05, 06:43 PM
you sure do like those doves...
IAmCountryMusic
05/06/05, 07:10 PM
chocolate:D:D:D:D:D
ArTkY_
05/06/05, 08:14 PM
PEOPLE, STOP USING DOVES IN YOUR SONGS... fucking ripping off of Thursday.
IAmCountryMusic
05/06/05, 11:34 PM
mmm chocolate
apoemtothedead
05/07/05, 12:36 AM
mmm Thursday
ArTkY_
05/07/05, 12:42 AM
exactly
IAmCountryMusic
05/07/05, 01:10 AM
mmm saturday morning
punkysmurf
05/08/05, 06:05 PM
so i'll actually give you a real response...

i liked it, I especially liked the rhyme scheme. I think a bit more powerful imagry would have helped. I try to use words to paint, not to explain. Keep writing, i liked it.
alustwithguns
05/08/05, 10:41 PM
Y :animateds ou've caught my interest. I really enjoyed your poem, but your rhyming at the end got a bit tangled, and just a few more comas here and there might have broken up the flow in a good way. but all in all I think it was amazing. Keep writing
xforestxwaitsx
05/09/05, 03:24 PM
Y :animateds ou've caught my interest. I really enjoyed your poem, but your rhyming at the end got a bit tangled, and just a few more comas here and there might have broken up the flow in a good way. but all in all I think it was amazing. Keep writing

Thank you, next time I see something you've written I'll make sure to read. I'm surprised, but pleasently. I didn't think this one that good, simply because like you said, my ryhming did get tangled.

Thank you for reading it. :)
IAmCountryMusic
05/09/05, 03:27 PM
i only spam because i love:)
xforestxwaitsx
05/11/05, 01:42 PM
i only spam because i love:)

If you are going to post, please don't post crap like this. I love the fact that people are reading my stuff but post what is needed please.
-thanx
Pseudonym
05/12/05, 08:06 AM
...and the morning dove gets caught in the telephone wire.
you just love saying that don't you? Why don't you get that phrase on the front of a T-shirt or something

PEOPLE, STOP USING DOVES IN YOUR SONGS... fucking ripping off of Thursday.
yo! doves were around, long before thursday , so how 'bout we just share them, what do you say?
xforestxwaitsx
05/12/05, 01:56 PM
you just love saying that don't you? Why don't you get that phrase on the front of a T-shirt or something


yo! doves were around, long before thursday , so how 'bout we just share them, what do you say?

Thank you, I wanted to say that all along but I didn't. Usually I try to ignore the complete assholes around here. :dweeba47: Both of them count as assholes.
Pseudonym
05/12/05, 03:35 PM
Well I guees that would make sense, but thats the department i lack in. And it doesn't help that they pop up everywhere
xforestxwaitsx
05/12/05, 03:43 PM
Well I guees that would make sense, but thats the department i lack in. And it doesn't help that they pop up everywhere

no kidding. i think I must be magnet. they seem to show up wherever i go.
I see stupid people. They're everywhere and they walk around just like us.
Sorry, i was having a sixth sense moment there.
Pseudonym
05/12/05, 04:08 PM
as long as we mention doves they will be there
xforestxwaitsx
05/12/05, 04:23 PM
I guess so...i think i'm gonna have to kill myself now...reality just sunk in again, oh crap, and it was going so well.
apoemtothedead
05/12/05, 05:12 PM
i think i'm gonna have to kill myself now

sweet.

they seem to show up wherever i go

ever heard the saying build it and they will come? In this case replace 'build it' with 'write shitty poems.'
xforestxwaitsx
05/12/05, 05:16 PM
sweet.



ever heard the saying build it and they will come? In this case replace 'build it' with 'write shitty poems.'

better yet, how about i hang around and make sure that your comments come back to bite you in the ass.
Pseudonym
05/14/05, 09:13 PM
hey uhm, damn i have nothing to say, but i'm not maybe APTTD could write a poem and we could make fun of it, what do you say
oh and don't go kill yourself, then who will help me fight off the people in the relation ship, that stick doves into telephone wires???? seriously you need to think about my safety against these persons
xforestxwaitsx
05/16/05, 01:53 PM
hey uhm, damn i have nothing to say, but i'm not maybe APTTD could write a poem and we could make fun of it, what do you say
oh and don't go kill yourself, then who will help me fight off the people in the relation ship, that stick doves into telephone wires???? seriously you need to think about my safety against these persons

If he ever posts, believe me, I will rip his writing to shreds. I would enjoy nothing more than to shoot down someone else's dream. Okay, I won't kill myself, and I wouldn't leave anyone to these assholes.
ArTkY_
05/16/05, 01:57 PM
If he ever posts, believe me, I will rip his writing to shreds. I would enjoy nothing more than to shoot down someone else's dream. Okay, I won't kill myself, and I wouldn't leave anyone to these assholes.
I remember he posted in the lyrics section once, it was actually pretty good.
xforestxwaitsx
05/16/05, 02:06 PM
I remember he posted in the lyrics section once, it was actually pretty good.

Granted, it might have been good, I would still love to point out anything i could. Damn, I must be horrible person. I haven't ever seen anything he's posted, so I haven't had the chance yet. He seems to be the insecure type who likes to critisize everyone else because he feels horrible about the way he writes. I would love the last three slices of pizza at the moment. I 'm starving. My band had a gig last night and we didn't get home til three this morning. I crashed right when we got home, so food is a big thing at the moment. I just woke up and my "band family" has managed to empty out the fridge.