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lovely864md
11/30/08, 04:24 PM
It's been a while since I've written, but I really really want to get back into it so here's a rough bit I just wrote. The chorus I wrote last winter. I respect the opinions in this forum so criticism is great.

inhale/exhale

Flick the noise off of your skin
Trace the contours of my image
Watch the clock invert upon us
As I shake off all the interest

Your voice was quiet on the phone
I will breathe, on my own
By God my lungs they will explode.

My demons will drag us both down
I'm not ready to inhale on my own now.

Your voice was quiet on the phone
I will breathe, on my own
By God my lungs they will explode.

A cigarette unsmoked in lips I once kissed
A bed thrice mussed now cold in our absence
I always had problems remembering to breath
But silence is never perfect in the parting of lips.
lew_1987
12/01/08, 02:27 PM
quite = quiet?
lovely864md
12/01/08, 03:24 PM
Haha shit, yeah. I'll fix it.
a speedo model
12/01/08, 06:57 PM
I liked this, the imagery was quite good, sometimes simple but it worked. Only thing I didn't like was:
"Your voice was quiet on the phone
I will breathe, on my own
By God my lungs they will explode."

For some reason it just didn't feel as good as the first, the lines seemed a bit too familiar, I dunno. Good stuff, though. Nice to see you post something new.
more heart
12/01/08, 06:59 PM
totally a band name
a speedo model
12/01/08, 07:13 PM
Not a very good one on top of that.
TK
12/01/08, 07:20 PM
I liked the first and last stanza. The stuff in between them, I didn't think was that good.
lovely864md
12/01/08, 09:21 PM
I liked this, the imagery was quite good, sometimes simple but it worked. Only thing I didn't like was:
"Your voice was quiet on the phone
I will breathe, on my own
By God my lungs they will explode."

For some reason it just didn't feel as good as the first, the lines seemed a bit too familiar, I dunno. Good stuff, though. Nice to see you post something new.

Thank you! The bit you didn't like was sort of spliced in, maybe it doesn't really work in this context. This is sort of me just screwing around though. I do miss this forum.

totally a band name

Really? Oh well.

I liked the first and last stanza. The stuff in between them, I didn't think was that good.

Thanks. I agree that those are the best parts.
lew_1987
12/02/08, 04:04 AM
Pretty much agree with the other comments, although 'thrice mussed' seemed a bit contrived. The first bit was definitely the best.